46 Things I've (Almost) Learned As I Turn 46

Hey everyone,

Today is my birthday!

As I’ve been doing for a few years now I’m sharing a list of completely unsolicited advice. You can read my three previous birthday lists ​here​, ​here​, and ​here​.

Remember: Lists like these are preachy by nature so just take what you like and ditch the rest!

Here we go:

1. Celebrate publicly. Criticize privately

2. When you drive past someone slow on the highway pretend it’s your parents.

3. Most things that create true happiness don’t advertise: Walking, reading, drawing, singing, stretching, writing, swimming, hiking…

4. The sooner you shovel the lighter the snow.

5. If parenting feels hard, you’re doing it right.

6. Read books for all ages … at all ages.

7. To improve any day: Change into fresh socks and underwear.

8. Positional power is close to top, relationship power is close to people, personal power is close to self.

9. Traveling Tip: Meals at airport > meals on plane.

10. Nobody ever says they would be happier if they read more news.

11. Quick prescription for bad breath, itchy skin, or dandruff: Three glasses of water.

12. Sign of a good book: “Bestseller.” Sign of a great book: “Translated.”

13. Optimism is complimenting the food when you're in the hospital.

14. Practice makes progress.

15. Be grateful when your kids argue, challenge, or disagree. The alternative is worse.

16. To get rid of hiccups: Suck in a huge breath and hold it … then a half breath more … then let it out very slowly.

17. Never go to a kid’s birthday party on an empty stomach.

18. There is more fiction in non-fiction and more non-fiction in fiction.

19. When handling complaints remember LAST: Listen, Apologize, Solve, Thank.

20. Fashion Tip: Dress for the mood you want to be in.

21. Teach your kids personal bests over family bests.

22. Stretching is always a good use of your time.

23. Simple allowance idea: Give your kids their age in dollars once a week and let them split it into Give, Save, and Spend jars. (Match “Give” and pay interest on “Save.”)

24. Most extremely successful people have lives you wouldn’t want.

25. For more forest friends: Learn half a dozen bird calls.

26. Calling a busy local shop a minute before it opens is often better than calling a minute after.

27. Best gift for friends who just had a baby: A card and homemade meal on their porch.

28. Aim for one thing a day that makes you sweat.

29. On your first day at work put an X on the calendar 6 months later. On that day ask yourself if you love your job. Look forward to that day. Save the question for then.

30. When choosing a vendor aim for two out of three: Price, Quality, Time.

31. To make the vacation memorable: Do something outside your comfort zone.

32. Learn how to go to bed angry once in a while. It’ll be a lot easier to sort out in the morning.

33. To stay connected with a great friend: Set an annually recurring dinner.

34. Do not fear grief. It lives next to love.

35. Have a weird hobby. (Remember: Your learning rate is the steepest when you know the least.)

36. Stock tip from my grandfather: If you get it wrong you’ll think you’re dumb … but you’re not … and if you get it right you’ll think you’re smart … but you’re not.

37. The less the talking the better the massage.

38. Fitting in is easy. Standing out is hard.

39. When I asked a Buddhist Monk his age: “It's not how old are you. It's when were you born in this life.”

40. Anytime you see your partner in a bathing suit: Whistle.

41. When a generous impulse arises—do it right away.

42. To learn your priorities: Look at your calendar.

43. Peeves make lousy pets.

44. Travel tip: Before sleeping in a hotel lie on both sides of the bed, find the squishy side, then sleep on the other.

45. You’ve done a good job as a parent if your kids all end up different.

46. Nobody will remember you in a hundred years. Act accordingly.

I’m pretty sure I stole all of these but some specific credits: (13) Joan Wright, (22) Ron Lieber, (32) Leslie Richardson, (36) Bob Wright, (43) Seth Godin…

65 surprising truths from the world’s most consistent blogger

Hey everyone,

I love Seth Godin. He's the GOAT, right? Before I even *had* a podcast he said yes to being on my podcast and let me fly down to Hastings-On-Hudson to ​pester him for a couple hours​. (​Apple​/​Spotify​/​YT​).

​His blog​? Legendary. My friend Agostino introduced it to me in around 2007. And he hasn't missed posting a blog post since and is now up to over ​10,000​ (!?) straight. (​You can sign up right here.​) My friend ​Tim Urban​ said "Seth Godin, to me, is like—if I have a 'wise man on a hill' in my life? Seth Godin is that guy ... anything that happens in the world I wanna hear what Seth thinks about it, what he says about it." Seth's a mensch. A helper.

Recently Seth turned 65 and on that day he dropped 65 bits of wisdom on his blog under a very humble Seth-like title of "Notes to myself." I reached out to Seth and he said I could share the whole thing with you.

(PS. On the topic of birthdays—mine is in two weeks! I am working on some birthday advice now as I've done the ​past​ ​few ​​years.​)

Hope you enjoy,

Neil

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Notes to myself

Written by Seth Godin

1. The system can be changed and normal is not permanent

2. Find the smallest viable audience

3. Pick your customers, pick your future

4. Outdated maps might be worth less than no map at all

5. Reliability is a superpower

6. There are no side effects, merely effects

7. There’s usually an opportunity to be of service

8. Silence is an option, and so is leadership

9. There is no perfect moment to begin

10. Shame is a dream killer

11. Everyone who disagrees with you believes they are correct

12. Ship the ​work​

13. Treat different people differently

14. I am not stuck in traffic, I am traffic

15. Invest in slow growth

16. The problem with the race to the bottom is you might win

17. Uncomfortable facts are often the most helpful ones

18. A good deal is better than a big deal

19. When in doubt look for the fear

20. Avoid arguments, embrace conversations

21. Easy to measure doesn’t make it important

22. Find clarity about who the customer is (and isn’t)

23. Genre is a platform, not a fence

24. Lowering expectations can increase satisfaction

25. Improve project hygiene

26. Ask what the system is for

27. We might not need more time, we simply need to decide

28. Consider the cost of keeping a promise before making it

29. Earn enrollment

30. Helping someone get what they want is easier than changing what they want

31. Not all criticism is equally valid

32. Write down the things you’re sure you’ll never forget

33. Focus on the hard part

34. Quitting one thing is the only way to find the focus to do the next thing

35. Perfectionism is not related to quality

36. Your competitors are actually your allies

37. Surfing is better than golf

38. Criticize ideas, not people

39. Cannibals rarely get a good night’s sleep

40. Status roles are the unseen force in almost every system

41. Embrace necessary discomfort

42. Gratitude is a more useful fuel than anger

43. Create tension and relieve stress

44. Imposter syndrome is real, and it arrives whenever we’re doing important work

45. Solve interesting problems

46. Offer dignity

47. Ignore sunk costs

48. Don’t try to fill an unfillable hole

49. This might not work

50. Consistency is more useful than authenticity

51. People like us do things like this

52. Simple hacks rarely fix long-term problems

53. Trade short-term wins for long-term impact

54. Today’s world is unpredictable, and this is as stable as it will ever be again

55. Generous doesn’t mean free

56. Make assertions

57. Invest in skills that compound with effort

58. Culture conceals systems, and systems construct our future

59. Peeves make lousy pets

60. Reassurance is futile

61. Take responsibility, demand freedom, don’t seek authority

62. Ideas that spread, win

63. Earn trust through action

64. Become the person your future thanks you for and forgive the past for the mistakes it made

65. Attitudes are skills

John Steinbeck on Falling in Love: A 1958 Letter of Advice to His Lovesick Teenage Son

Hey everyone,

I have a little gem about love to share with you today.

Scroll down to read it or hang up here for the backstory!

I think I was assigned '​Of Mice and Men​' by ​John Steinbeck ​(1902-1968) in high school and it was good but didn't really ... hit me. Then something bizarre happened: I met two strangers on the same night (who also didn't know each other!) and both had elements of '​East of Eden​' by Steinbeck ... tattooed on their body!? (I recount the tale in my ​March 2017 book club.​) So I picked up that book and it did hit me — such a big and full and aware feeling of the world and I have recalled its emotional envelope many times since.

More recently, via bringer-of-good-things ​Maria Popova​, I stumbled across a letter that John Steinbeck wrote to his 14-year-old son Thom back in 1958. Thom had written to his dad telling him that he'd fallen desperately in love with Susan at boarding school and this is the note he got back from ol' pops. Pretty remarkable letter! For me, I felt both a higher level calling to the loves in my life and also learned quite a bit about how to write a good letter to my kids!

Hope you enjoy,

Neil

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//

New York

November 10, 1958

Dear Thom:

We had your letter this morning. I will answer it from my point of view and of course Elaine will from hers.

First — if you are in love — that’s a good thing — that’s about the best thing that can happen to anyone. Don’t let anyone make it small or light to you.

Second — There are several kinds of love. One is a selfish, mean, grasping, egotistical thing which uses love for self-importance. This is the ugly and crippling kind. The other is an outpouring of everything good in you — of kindness and consideration and respect — not only the social respect of manners but the greater respect which is recognition of another person as unique and valuable. The first kind can make you sick and small and weak but the second can release in you strength, and courage and goodness and even wisdom you didn’t know you had.

You say this is not puppy love. If you feel so deeply — of course it isn’t puppy love.

But I don’t think you were asking me what you feel. You know better than anyone. What you wanted me to help you with is what to do about it — and that I can tell you.

Glory in it for one thing and be very glad and grateful for it.

The object of love is the best and most beautiful. Try to live up to it.

If you love someone — there is no possible harm in saying so — only you must remember that some people are very shy and sometimes the saying must take that shyness into consideration.

Girls have a way of knowing or feeling what you feel, but they usually like to hear it also.

It sometimes happens that what you feel is not returned for one reason or another — but that does not make your feeling less valuable and good.

Lastly, I know your feeling because I have it and I’m glad you have it.

We will be glad to meet Susan. She will be very welcome. But Elaine will make all such arrangements because that is her province and she will be very glad to. She knows about love too and maybe she can give you more help than I can.

And don’t worry about losing. If it is right, it happens — The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away.

Love,

Fa

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Pair this letter with ​this one​ F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote to his daughter.

Or want more wisdom from Steinbeck? Check out this ​blog post ​ I wrote about his novel ​The Log From the Sea of Cortez​.

Or if you'd like more parenting wisdom? Check out my ​3 Books podcast with Ginny Yurich​ (Homeschooling mother of five and founder of 1000 Hours Outside).

20 Things I Would Tell Myself At Age 20

Hey everyone,

A couple of months ago I wrote “ 19 Things I Would Tell Myself At Age 19 ” and I’m back with the follow up. Let me know what you might add!

Neil

PS. Invite others to join us here.

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20 Things I Would Tell Myself At Age 20

Neil is standing in front of his book shelf in a blue shirt. He is holding a white note card up to the camera, and handwritten in black sharpie marker are the words “20 THINGS I WOULD TELL MYSELF AT AGE 20”

1. Get lost.

2. Try your hair a bunch of different ways.

3. Learn how to swim, cycle, and drive. (In that order.)

4. Join a book club that meets in person.

5. Go to a restaurant where you can’t read the menu.

6. When you have the time you don’t have the money and when you have the money you don’t have the time. Borrow from your future self.

7. Two baseline rules for good sex: Everyone’s glad to be there. Everyone’s free to leave.

8. Spend a few hours in a big empty parking lot early on a Sunday with someone you trust learning how to drive stick.

9. Stay somewhere overnight just you and a backpack.

10. Good helmet, good brain. Cheap helmet, cheap brain. No helmet, no brain.

11. Learn how to change a diaper.

12. Skinny dip.

13. Take a local course on something your grandparents did but you don’t. Car fixing, quilt making, bread baking?

14. Buy sheet music for your favourite song and learn how to play it on a piano.

15. Download free apps Libby for audiobooks, eBird for birdwatching, and Strava for movement.

16. Don’t take something you’ve never taken before doing something you’ve never done.

17. Classes are good gifts and good dates.

18. If you’ve had a business summer job do a fun summer job and if you’ve had a fun summer job do a business summer job.

19. Get two hours of out-of-breath cardio a week.

20. Talk to yourself the way you talk to your best friend.

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A good list helps make sense of the mess. Reflect on the ​45 Things I've (Almost) Learned As I Turn 45​, get productive with ​10 Things I (Try To) Do Every Day To Get More Done​, and add to your summer reading from ​The Top 1000 Books from the 3 Books podcast.

2000 years of fighting productivity pressures

Hey everyone,

Do you feel like your brain is experiencing a grand quickening? Is the suddenly new ability of everybody being able to type anything into chatGPT and get a perfect picture of it 5 seconds later taking over your group chats too?

I feel you. We got this. As always we can choose our speed. We just have to be more mindful and intentional about it. Walks. ​Phone calls​. Dates. ​Reading​. ​Birding​. Cooking. Buying a magazine. ​Buying a book​.

It was in this spirit that I re-stumbled across a fascinating little history of the human resistance to this grand quickening from 200 BC to today. Maybe this feeling is just ​Lindy​? Or are we experiencing something new?

Take a read and let me know,

Neil

---

Excerpt from 'In Praise of Slowness'

Written by Carl Honoré

"On the other side of the Pacific, from its headquarters in San Francisco, the ​Long Now Foundation​ is adding to the groundswell. Its members warn that we are so busy sprinting to keep up with the daily grind that we seldom lift our gaze beyond the next deadline, the next set of quarterly figures. 'Civilization is revving itself into a pathologically short attention span,' they say. To make us slow down, to open our eyes to the long view and the big picture, the Foundation is building huge, intricate clocks that tick once a year and measure time over ten millennia [​sponsored by Jeff Bezos​ and carved into a mountain he owns]. The first, a beautiful beast of bronze and steel, is already on display at the Science Museum in London, England. A second, much larger clock will eventually be carved into a limestone cliff near Great Basin National Park in eastern Nevada.

Many Long Now supporters work in the technology sector. Danny Hillis, who helped invent supercomputers, is on the board. Among the corporate donors are high-tech giants such as PeopleSoft, Autodesk and Sun Microsystems, Inc. Why are players from the fastest industry on earth backing an organization that promotes slowness? Because they, too, have realized that the cult of speed is out of hand.

Today's pro-Slow organizations belong to a tradition of resistance that started long before the industrial era. Even in the ancient world, our ancestors chafed against the tyranny of timekeeping. In 200 BC, the Roman playwright Plautus penned the following lament:

The Gods confound the man who first found out How to distinguish the hours—confound him, too Who in this place set up a sundial To cut and hack my days so wretchedly Into small pieces!

As mechanical clocks spread across Europe, protest was never far behind. In 1304, Daffyd ap Gwvilyn, a Welsh bard, fumed: 'Confusion to the black-faced clock by the side of the bank that awoke me! May its head, its tongue, its pair of ropes, its wheels moulder: likewise its weights and dullard balls, its orifices, its hammer, its ducks quacking as if anticipating day and its ever restless works.'

As timekeeping wormed its way into every corner of life, satirists poked fun at the European devotion to the clock. In ​Gulliver's Travels ​(1762), the Lilliputians decide that Gulliver consults his watch so often that it must be his god.

As industrialization gathered pace, so, too, did the backlash against clock-worship and the cult of speed. Many denounced the imposition of universal time as a form of slavery. In 1884, Charles Dudley Warner, an American editor and essayist, gave vent to the popular unease, echoing Plautus in the process: 'The chopping up of time intro rigid periods is an invasion of individual freedom and makes no allowances for differences in temperament and feeling.' Others complained that machines were making life too fast, too hectic, less humane. The Romantic movement of artists, writers and musicians that swept across Europe after 1770 was partly a reaction against the modern culture of hustle and bustle, a harking back to a lost idyllic era.

Right through the Industrial Revolution, people sought ways to challenge, restrain or escape the accelerating pace of life. In 1776, the bookbinders of Paris called a strike to limit their working day to fourteen hours. Later, in the new factories, unions campaigned for more time off. The standard refrain was: 'Eight hours for work, eight hours for sleep, eight hours for what we will.' In a gesture that underscored the link between time and power, radical unionists smashed the clocks above the factory gates."

These are just 2 out of 282 pages in the phenomenal '​In Praise of Slowness​' by Carl Honoré.

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One of the best ways to fight for your right to slowness at work? ​Cut all meeting time in half​.

Just because you slow down doesn't mean you can't ​get things done​.

Sign Up for a Dose of Inspiration:

Every other week, I send an email out with an article I’ve written, or one of my favorite speeches, essays or poems. No ads, no sponsors, no spam, and nothing for sale. Just a dose of inspiration or beauty!

19 Things I Would Tell Myself At Age 19

I'm in advice mood these days!

I've been leaving little notes around the house for my kids—quickly scrawled Sharpie phrases on cue cards—to spur debate and conversation. The last two I wrote this week were "A joke is funny. A prank is mean" and "What comes around goes around." It got me thinking: My kids are little. What would I say to *myself*, if I could, at various younger ages?

Hopefully this is the first in a new series that pairs well with my birthday posts (​43​, ​44​, ​45​!).

Feel free to share a bit of advice you'd give your younger self,

Neil

PS. I don't have any ads, Patreons, or Substacks with "upsell" or "paywall" options. It's just always been word of mouth. Invite like-minded souls to ​join us here​.

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19 Things I Would Tell Myself At Age 19

1. Pull an all-nighter.

2. Befriend a neighbor over 70.

3. Turn off the lights with a friend and listen to 'Kind of Blue.'

4. If you try making good money you usually won't make good stuff but if you try making good stuff you'll usually make good money.

5. Read widely versus narrowly. (Date that way, too.)

6. Learn to put up the Christmas lights.

7. Spend an hour a day outside. For better days, make it two.

8. Email your local politician to argue for a cause.

9. Buy a pair of Nikon Monarchs 8x42s.

10. Get lost in your hometown. If you can't, go to Montréal, Paris, or Tokyo and get lost there.

11. Go see your childhood sports idol play at least once before they retire.

12. Read 'The Fountainhead' by Ayn Rand (694p), 'Siddhartha' by Hermann Hesse (119p), and 'Beyond The Gender Binary' by Alok Vaid-Menon (64p).

13. Learn to make your mom's famous curry.

14. Go on the longest hike, bike, or swim you've ever gone on in your life. (Next year? Do it again.)

15. Before sex: Ask for boundaries and share boundaries.

16. Learn to identify: 5 trees, 5 spices, 5 flowers, 5 accents, 5 birds.

17. Stay open to mind-altering substances but try as late as possible. Best case >27, next >21, next >16.

18. Babysit a niece, nephew, or neighbor. (Bonus points if you change a diaper.)

19. Remember: You have to hit a lot of posts to score a lot of goals.

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Want some more guidance?

​This is the most surprising advice on success​ I received from a Harvard dean.

And ​Oliver Burkeman​ has ​8 secrets to a (fairly) fulfilled life​.

Sign Up for a Dose of Inspiration:

Every other week, I send an email out with an article I’ve written, or one of my favorite speeches, essays or poems. No ads, no sponsors, no spam, and nothing for sale. Just a dose of inspiration or beauty!

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On our infinite appetite for distraction...

Hey everyone,

I've been thinking a lot lately about '​Infinite Jest​' by David Foster Wallace and its central idea of us being infinitely pleased by endless entertainment. I also like Father John Misty's (much shorter!) song-version '​Total Entertainment Forever​.' In a similar vein the wise ​Mitchell Kaplan​, award-winning bookseller behind the wonderful Florida indie bookstore chain ​Books & Books​, tipped me off years ago to the book '​Amusing Ourselves To Death​' by ​Neil Postman​ (1931-2003). The title once again telegraphs the idea and I'm sharing Neil's masterfully pithy Foreword below.

May we all continue to observe and intentionally turn off our blaring screens. May we continue to read books. May we find steadiness in friendships that have lasted through the slushy slurry storms of today. May we continue to observe the entertainmentification of information for what it is while also— somehow, some way—balancing contemporary whats-happenings with longer, deeper, richer pursuits.

Please enjoy the short 336-word introduction to Neil Postman's 1985 classic '​Amusing Ourselves To Death​.'

Neil

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Amusing Ourselves To Death: Foreword

Written by Neil Postman

We were keeping our eye on 1984. When the year came and the prophecy didn’t, thoughtful Americans sang softly in praise of themselves. The roots of liberal democracy had held. Wherever else the terror had happened, we, at least, had not been visited by Orwellian nightmares.

But we had forgotten that alongside Orwell’s dark vision, there was another—slightly older, slightly less well known, equally chilling: Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World. Contrary to common belief even among the educated, Huxley and Orwell did not prophesy the same thing. Orwell warns that we will be overcome by an externally imposed oppression. But in Huxley’s vision, no Big Brother is required to deprive people of their autonomy, maturity and history. As he saw it, people will come to love their oppression, to adore the technologies that undo their capacities to think.

What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one. Orwell feared those who would deprive us of information. Huxley feared those who would give us so much that we would be reduced to passivity and egoism. Orwell feared that the truth would be concealed from us. Huxley feared the truth would be drowned in a sea of irrelevance. Orwell feared we would become a captive culture. Huxley feared we would become a trivial culture, preoccupied with some equivalent of the feelies, the orgy porgy, and the centrifugal bumblepuppy. As Huxley remarked in Brave New World Revisited, the civil libertarians and rationalists who are ever on the alert to oppose tyranny "failed to take into account man’s almost infinite appetite for distractions." In 1984, Huxley added, people are controlled by inflicting pain. In Brave New World, they are controlled by inflicting pleasure. In short, Orwell feared that what we hate will ruin us. Huxley feared that what we love will ruin us.

This book is about the possibility that Huxley, not Orwell, was right.

---

Postman hits exactly ​how I feel about the algorithm​.

How are we amusing ourselves to death today? Jonathan Haidt goes deep on the dangers of social media in our ​interview on 3 Books​.

Sign Up for a Dose of Inspiration:

Every other week, I send an email out with an article I’ve written, or one of my favorite speeches, essays or poems. No ads, no sponsors, no spam, and nothing for sale. Just a dose of inspiration or beauty!

More birthday wisdom from readers...

I started publishing a list of advice on my birthday. I did it when I turned ​43​, ​44​, and last week when I turned ​45​. The post last week went wildly viral with over 400,000 people reading it. And now, most excitingly, I'm seeing so many others writing and sharing their own lists back.

"I'm a Mum of 3 awesome kids and call Sydney, Australia home," Ness Quayle wrote to me last week. "When I was 9, I tragically lost my father. He was 42 years young. A few days ago, I turned 42 and my daughter, Ella, is 9. The significance of these ages has stirred a number of emotions in me for a number of months. What if I were to pass away? What would my kids remember of their Mother or me as a woman?"

I relate to this feeling. Not fear exactly but—the human desire to etch ourselves into the stone a little bit? To feel like carving coherence in the blur of inchoate motion. Ness continues: "Writing this list was cathartic, as I desire to share with my kids my ideas, thoughts, and values. To preserve my voice in some small way, just in case, so they can refer to it at any time throughout their life. I highly recommend everyone giving this a red hot go!"

So do I! And now, without further ado, here are wonderful lists of birthday advice from Ness, Meredith, Christine, Michelle, and Sera.

Neil

P.S. Do you have a list of advice inside you? Please reply and share it with me or, as Ness says, give it a red hot go!

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42 Things I've (Almost) Learned As I Turn 42

Written by Ness Quayle

1. You’re never fully dressed without a smile or eyeliner.

2. Don’t water a garden you don’t want to grow.

3. Marmalade and vegemite on toast. It’s salty, sweet deliciousness.

4. Pay attention to what you pay attention to.

5. “Talk less, smile more” (Hamilton) when dealing with narcissists.

6. Ask for help from your mates and spiritual guides, they’ll always step up.

7. Call over text. It means a lot.

8. Keep going.

9. Prioritising my nervous system response has changed my dating life.

10. Sleepovers with besties are magic.

11. Farting in front of my kids is hilarious.

2. Build muscle. It won’t make you bulky.

13. Laughter, sunlight, and 2 minute dance breaks are medicine for the soul.

14. Take photos and then put away the phone.

15. Always bring food to school pickups.

16. Slowing down each inhale and exhale immediately changes your state.

17. Start with the end in mind but don’t be too attached to the outcome. (It’s who you become on the journey that matters.)

18. Talk to strangers; they’re genuinely very receptive and kind.

19. Inner child work is essential work.

20. Experiences over things. Actions over words.

21. Never leave home without a water bottle.

22. There’s no such thing as one-way liberation.

23. Friends can help heal a heart they didn’t break.

24. Per aspera ad astra…Through adversity to the stars ✨

25. Always commit to a Fancy Dress party. The joy of dressing up is contagious.

26. Record your kids voices, laughter, and opinions. It’s glorious looking back.

27. Afternoon naps and spicy margaritas are heaven-sent.

28. Slowing down gets you there faster, and in better shape.

29. Genuine curiosity is so damn attractive.

30. Cut multiple keys to your front door and remember where you’ve hidden them.

31. Use the line “by the end of this chat, I hope there’s greater understanding between us” before starting a difficult conversation.

32. I firmly identify as Ness. Not Vanessa.

33. Attend live events. A collective, shared human experience is so powerful.

34. Playing handball regularly with my kids has been game-changing for our relationship.

35. Travel solo.

36. If you can’t find time to meditate for 5 minutes, you need 10.

37. Demonstrate to your kids what relaxation and a wholehearted apology looks like.

38. One day, this will all make sense.

39. Watching ​Graham Norton on YouTube​ always improves my mood. 40. You are not your thoughts. You are the observer of your thoughts. 41. Sunrise is the best part of the day.

42. “Keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.” (Max Ehrmann)

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3o Things I’ve (Almost) Learned As I Turn 30

Written by Sera Ertan

1. Dream bigger than what you think is possible.

2. Have that slice of cake and glass of wine.

3. Always find a reason to celebrate life.

4. If you think you can pull it off, wear it.

5. Explore dating outside of your type.

6. To stretch time and add years to your life, go somewhere you have never been.

7. Let strangers become friends and genuinely listen to their stories, you will be surprised by how much anyone can teach you.

8. Sun and sea might be enough to cure your depression.

9. If you are unhappy, move, you are not a tree.

10. Everything has a solution when you allow yourself to think outside the box.

11. Express your emotions, life is too short not to tell people to fuck off.

12. Stop caring about what others will think about you, nobody is thinking about you.

13. Let your intuition guide you, or you will resent the life you live.

14. Do not overcomplicate life.

15. There is always more to learn, be open to new knowledge and accept the fact that you know very little.

16. Experiment and choose the diet that works best for your body, don’t let vegans (or anyone extreme for that matter), convince you otherwise.

17. Weight all opinions, but make your own decision.

18. Take the risk, and watch life support you.

19. Do more of what brings you peace.

20. Create your own workout regimen and stick to it.

21. Don’t get bogged down by the past and the future, stay in touch with the present moment.

22. Focus only on your very next step.

23. Learn a new skill every year.

24. Remember that you are free to recreate yourself and become a completely new person any moment you want.

25.Be fully yourself around people and let whoever wants to leave leave.

26. Call your mom and dad more often.

27. Where you are is where you are meant to be.

28.You set your own limits.

29. Stay curious and embrace change.

30. Enjoy the ride.

---

60 Life Lessons Learned In 60 Years

Written by Michelle Oram

1. Don’t put a wool sweater in the washing machine if you ever want to wear it again.

2. You can take a 2-week trip with just a carry-on.

3. Drying laundry outdoors saves money, makes your clothes last longer—and they will smell oh so good!

4. Homemade soup is the best comfort food.

5. Don’t postpone happiness. Enjoy today because tomorrow isn’t guaranteed.

6. Avoid depending on other people to make you happy. True happiness comes from within.

7. Find things to love about yourself. If you’re not happy with yourself, you’re not ready for a relationship.

8. Being a mom is hard sometimes, but it’s so worth it.

9. When your kids grow up and leave home, you’ve done your job of raising them to be independent adults.

10. Our family stories matter so we need to share them.

11. True friendships stand the test of time and distance.

12. If there’s something you want to do, just do it. That way you’ll never have to ask, “What if?”

13. The real learning starts after you leave school.

14. There’s always something new to learn, and you’re never too old to learn it.

15. Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t do anything. Tune out the naysayers.

16. Do your homework and form your own opinions.

17. Be satisfied with progress instead of seeking perfection.

18. Choose your own success criteria rather than measuring your success by the standards or actions of others.

19. Don’t buy more house than you need. In fact, don’t buy more of anything than you need.

20. Always set some money aside for emergenceis because rainy days will come.

21. Get into the habit of saving early in life and save as much as you can.

22. Pay off debt as quickly as possible.

23. Health will always be more important than money.

24. Trust your instincts when if comes to your health. If something doesn’t feel right, look into it.

25. How you feel matters more than how you look.

26. You don’t need to be an athlete, or even have athletic ability, to live an active lifestyle. There’s a lesson I wish I’d learned before high school gym class.

27. Exercise gives you energy.

28. Getting outdoors every day boosts your mood and increases creativity. And it makes winter bearable.

29. Material possessions aren’t the key to happiness. You can be happy with very little.

30. Quality over quantity in all things.

31. Take time to appreciate the simple, everyday pleasures.

32. Appreciate what you already own rather than yearning for the next thing.

33. Don’t get sucked into FOMO. There will always be someone with bigger, better, or more things than you have.

34. A handwritten note will make your day…or someone else’s.

35. You don’t really need the latest and greatest of anything.

36. Schedule downtime in your calendar.

37. Your age doesn’t define you.

41. Be grateful for the privilege of growing older.

42. Choosing to age gracefully is liberating.

43. Laughter really is the best medicine.

44. It doesn’t matter what other people think of you.

45. Don’t get sucked into negativity.

46. Kindness costs nothing.

47. Be authentic.

48. Music makes everything better.

49. Strong faith makes life’s troubles easier.

50. You can count on your faith community in difficult times.

51. Volunteer. You’ll get back more than you give.

52. Giving to others feels good.

53. The people you work with and the relationships you form matter as much as the work you do.

54. It’s okay to change direction and choose a different career path.

55. Your career is just one aspect of your life. Keep it in perspective.

56. Fully disconnect during your vacation time. No matter your role, work will survive without you.

57. Retirement is a beginning, not an end.

58. Make time to do things that make you happy.

59. If something matters enough to you, you’ll find time for it.

60. Finally, the years will fly by. I don’t quite believe I’m turning 60 and often wonder where the years have gone. In my head I’m still 18. That’s why it’s important to enjoy every day and not take life for granted.

---

46 Things I’ve (Almost) Learned As I Turn 46

Written by Christine Da Silva

1. My happiness is my responsibility.

2. Take care of your health before it becomes your mental illness.

3. No response is a powerful response.

4. Sometimes things don’t get easier, you just get stronger.

5. Always listen to your intuition, even if it scares you.

6. Teachers don’t know everything. Mine told me spelling was important and that I’d never carry a calculator in my pocket.

7. Expect nothing and you will never be disappointed.

8. Being a mom is only a small part of who I am.

9. Actions need to match effort.

10. Some people come into your life when you need them, they don’t always need to stay.

11. I am, always have been and always will be enough.

12. My deepest wounds did not come from my enemies.

13. You are never too old.

14. It is never too late.

15. Peanut butter cups taste way better frozen.

16. Real queens fix each others’ crowns.

17. When you see something, you like in someone tell them.

18. I don’t have time is a bullshit excuse.

19. A Stop Doing list is just as important as a To Do list.

20. Music is so much better at full blast with the windows down.

21. My alone time is for your safety.

22. I survived all the days I thought I wouldn’t.

23. Pictures will become more important, get in them.

24. Some people don’t deserve an explanation.

25. No one is making it out of here alive.

26. I would rather have your time then your money.

27. “No” is a complete sentence.

28. Just one more page/chapter is the biggest lie I tell myself most often.

29. Your opinion of me is none of my business.

30. The glass isn’t half full or half empty, its refillable.

31. If they want to they will.

32. Always choose happiness over history.

33. I am not my thoughts; I am the watcher of them.

34. Lessons repeat themselves until you learn them.

35. There is always light after darkness.

36. My children have taught me more than anyone else.

37. The universe will whisper to you until she needs to scream to get your attention.

38. The secret to happiness is to always have a vacation booked.

39. My boundaries only bother those who don’t respect me.

40. Theres always 3 sides to every story, your side, their side, and the truth…or the screenshots.

41. Somethings are not worth the jail time.

42. Getting older is better than the alternative.

43. What you allow will continue.

44. I am forever learning.

45. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

46. Eat the damn cake!

---

48 Things I Learned As I Turned 48

Written by Meredith Foxx

1. You’re never fully dressed without lipstick (or for that matter blush).

2. Sleep is underrated.

3. It’s okay to say NO.

4. Teach yourself to stop ruminating.

5. The “wait 24 hours before sending an email” works.

6. No need to photograph everything.

7. You can break a bad habit (i.e. diet coke)

8. Better to be overdressed than underdressed.

9. Know your city officials.

10. Know your neighbors.

11. Don’t be afraid to ask people questions about themselves.

12. Listen to songs that remind you of your past & good times you have had. (Neil Diamond-

High School).

13. It’s okay to be a tourist in a new city- explore.

14. Accept compliments & criticism.

15. Have a actual key to your house.

16. Learn Brevity.

17. Get up and move/walk during a workday (preferably outside).

18. Stop overbuying groceries- wasteful.

19. Try clothes on before you buy them.

20. All couples should have to put a piece of furniture together- you learn a lot.

21. Reading is true joy.

22. Recognizing others for their accomplishments is underrated.

23. Stop using the word “just”.

24. If you don’t like the book- stop reading it.

25. Handwritten thank you notes & sympathy cards are meaningful- take the time.

26. Stop wishing time away.

27. If you don’t want to go- don’t go.

28. If you don’t like the product, throw it out (skin, hair, makeup). It’s a sunk cost.

29. Priorities change-that is okay.

30. Not all stress is bad.

31. Have a will.

32. Just like sending an email-wait 24 hours before purchasing everything in your “online”

cart.

33. Throw away clothes that are worn.

34. Hungry and being temperature hot is a bad combination.

35. Petting your dogs (or pets) always will make you happy.

36. Don’t be afraid of preventative health screenings-get them done.

37. Rewatch your favorite movies as a kid (For me: Sound of Music & The Wizard of Oz)

38. Don’t wait to use stuff- use it.

39. You don’t have to clean your plate.

40. Always pack a toothbrush, toothpaste, tissues, spare undergarments and socks in your

carry on.

41. Keep traditions and make new ones.

42. Learn when to be quiet.

43. Don’t let your low fuel light come on in the car.

44. Get a car wash.

45. Be humble.

46. Be kind.

47. Be patient.

48. Be forgiving

And for 45-48- of others and yourself.

---

Read more of my birthday advice...

​45 Things I've (Almost) Learned As I Turn 45​

​44 Things I've (Almost) Learned As I Turn 44​

​43 Things I've (Almost) Learned As I Turn 43​

...And then write your own and share with me!

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45 Things I've (Almost) Learned As I Turn 45

Hey everyone,

Today is my birthday! And with it comes my usual dose of completely unrequested advice. As always, take what works, ditch what doesn't! And if you'd like to read the first two editions of this series here is my "​43 Things I've (Almost) Learned As I Turn 43​" and "​44 Things I've (Almost) Learned As I Turn 44​."

Let me know which ones you like, didn't like, or any suggestions for next year!

Neil

---

45 Things I've (Almost) Learned As I Turn 45

1. Slice the bagels before you freeze them.

2. Every time you’re talking about someone pretend they’re standing right behind you.

3. If you don’t love the pants at the store you’ll hate them at home.

4. Before you move in together: travel.

5. Motivation does not cause action. Action causes motivation.

6. If you’re talking on the phone and you’re on the toilet—flush later.

7. Airport Rule: Farther the walk cleaner the bathrooms.

8. What costs nothing but is exceedingly rare and valuable? Eye contact.

9. Money does buy happiness if you buy 1 of 3 S’s: Social (going out with friends), Sweat (joining a team), Skill (taking a class).

10. Wait a day before replying to an email that makes you angry. (You can always tell them to go to hell tomorrow.)

11. Never take something you've never taken before doing something you've never done.

12. Best and bestseller are not the same thing.

13. Relationship Tip: Find someone who laughs at your jokes and someone whose jokes you laugh at.

14. Many people wish they had one more kid. Few people wish they had one less kid.

5. “No” is a complete sentence.

16. “I failed med school” is fact, “I failed my parents” is story, “I’m addicted to booze” is fact, “I’ve ruined my life” is story, “I’m going bald” is fact, “I’ll never get married” is story. For better self-talk peel stories off facts.

17. In an era of endless choice the value of curation skyrockets.

18. Before renovating: Mentally double the price and double the time. Then, if you’d still do it, do it.

19. Fat doesn’t make you fat. Sugar makes you fat.

20. When investing with friends assume it's gone.

21. At holiday meals: Let the family member with the youngest child choose the dinner time.

22. Pay attention to what you pay attention to.

23. Public speaking tip: If you want praise, ask the audience. If you want feedback, ask the AV guy.

24. Good line during fights: “The story I’m telling myself is…”

25. Online everyone is beautiful and it’s ugly. Offline everyone is ugly and it’s beautiful.

26. Ladder-climbing tip: “What interests my boss fascinates me.”

27. Social media wants us to spend money we don’t have on things we don’t need to create perceptions that don’t last from people we don’t know.

28. To get more foot massages: Give more foot massages.

29. A team is not a group of people who work together. A team is a group of people who trust each other.

30. Excess in moderation.

31. Go outside when stressed: Trees release chemicals called phytoncides which reduce adrenaline and cortisol.

32. There is no such thing as too much cream cheese.

33. The less you complain the more fun you have. The more you complain the less fun you have.

34. Fashion tip: If you think you can pull it off you can pull it off.

35. The best way to learn is by screwing up.

36. You will stop worrying what other people think about you when you realize how seldom they do.

37. To improve a bad day: Help someone.

38. Put the weights back when you’re done.

39. Firefighter tip: Never rent an apartment above a restaurant.

40. Intrinsic motivation outperforms extrinsic motivation. To see if it’s there ask: “Would I do this for free?”

41. Good gift for a friend in the hospital: A nice bar of soap.

42. Popular often follows cool. Cool rarely follows popular.

43. Never leave home hungry.

44. There is no reward in pessimism.

45. Life is too short not to take a nap when you feel like it.

---

I’m pretty sure I stole all of these but some specific credits: Thomas Murphy (10), André Perold (13), Christine D’Silva (15), Brené Brown (24), Charles E. Wilson (26), Simon Sinek (29), Gary Johnston (35), David Foster Wallace (36), my mother-in-law (41), my grandfather (43), my dad (44). Bad paraphrases all mine, of course.

---

Read more of my birthday advice:

44 Things I've (Almost) Learned As I Turn 44

43 Things I've (Almost) Learned As I Turn 43

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A few short thoughts on death...

Hey everyone,

Leslie’s grandmother Donna died recently. To quote the obituary she was a "dog whisperer, enthusiastic nature lover, savvy Scrabble player, intrepid traveler, Blue Jays fan, organizer of special occasions, chocolate chip cookie-maker, generous gift-giver, reader, and lover of maple syrup, chocolate, butter tarts, and all things sweet."

We had the burial — out in the cold, on a rainy day, over a hole in the ground in St. Catharines, Ontario. Her three living children all spoke and all the grandchildren (and grandchildren-in-law, like me) said a few words and threw a rose onto the urn holding her ashes.

I’ve been thinking a lot about death. I do that! It was the closing riff of my ​TED Talk​ and the basis of my ​TED Listen​. More recently: Is death … ​avoidable​? Or is it, to quote Saul Bellow, more like “the dark backing that a mirror needs if we are to see anything”?

First I’ll share a note I wrote to myself just after Donna died. In that sort of stunning silent phase. Then I’ll share two short poems read by her children (Leslie’s dad and aunt) at the burial. And, finally, let’s close with a quote on death from philosopher Bertrand Russell.

So, first up, my little note on how Donna died…

How Donna Died

Fast. That’s the first word that comes to mind. It happened quick. Like three months. Halloween she’s dressed as a ghost sitting beside me on the porch handing out candy. At 9pm, long after the streets had quieted, she said “I’m off to Jenny’s!” Leslie’s younger sister lived twenty minutes west — the exact opposite direction of her place. “Grandma,” Leslie said. “Don’t you want to head home? I’m sure Jenny would understand.” “Oh, don’t be silly! I’m a night owl!” We got a text the next morning with a picture of her squeezing our tiny niece dressed up as a pumpkin. She lost her license the next week. Hit the gas instead of the brakes in her parking garage. They said she had to get a health check. Health check said she had dementia. “Dementia?”, she scoffed. “Since when have I had dementia?” We never thought she had dementia. She forgot stuff. Who didn’t? Her boyfriend lost his license the next week. Suddenly we were talking carpools to drive grandma to her boyfriend’s place for the weekend. Then came the move. Her place finally sold and the new apartment was right downtown. We could walk from our house. “Scrabble every week,” we agreed. Week later that procedure finally came up that was scheduled months ago. For her bladder. But after the procedure she was in more pain — not less. Then they did another procedure to fix the first one. Then she was really cold for a few days. Then she couldn’t get out of bed. Then she got pale. Then Karen flew up. Then the cousins came. And then she died. Fast.

I miss you, Donna.

Next up, a poem read by Donna’s youngest daughter Karen (Leslie’s aunt) which Donna had cut out and taped to her fridge:

The Peace of Wild Things by Wendell Berry

When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

It stuns me every time. Next up, a poem read by Donna’s son Mark (Leslie’s dad).

Immortality (Do Not Stand By My Grave and Weep) by Clare Harner

Do not stand
By my grave, and weep.
I am not there,
I do not sleep—
I am the thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond glints in snow
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle, autumn rain.
As you awake with morning’s hush,
I am the swift, up-flinging rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight,
I am the day transcending night.
Do not stand
By my grave, and cry—
I am not there,
I did not die.

Not the kind of poem you can really read, or listen to, at someone's burial without crying. But I guess that's part of the point: a kind of philosophical adjustment, versus a physical adjustment, from the dead to the living. Somewhat related to both poems is this quote I found from Bertrand Russell in his essay “​How To Grow Old​.”

“The best way to overcome [the fear of death]—so at least it seems to me—is to make your interests gradually wider and more impersonal, until bit by bit the walls of the ego recede, and your life becomes increasingly merged in the universal life. An individual human existence should be like a river: small at first, narrowly contained within its banks, and rushing passionately past rocks and over waterfalls. Gradually the river grows wider, the banks recede, the waters flow more quietly, and in the end, without any visible break, they become merged in the sea, and painlessly lose their individual being. The person who, in old age, can see life in this way, will not suffer from the fear of death, since the things he or she cares for will continue. And if, with the decay of vitality, weariness increases, the thought of rest will not be unwelcome. I should wish to die while still at work, knowing that others will carry on what I can no longer do and content in the thought that what was possible has been done.”

So that’s it. Like I said: a few short thoughts on death. If you have a poem, reflection, or piece of art/writing that you use to contemplate death, please just reply and let me know.

Thanks,

Neil

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Letter to his 11-year-old daughter in camp by F. Scott Fitzgerald

Hey everyone,

​I give my kids advice​. Some good. Some contradicting. Some are gems from others — polished my way. Many are, I'm sure, horribly wrong. Some definitely worrisome.

I guess that's what we all get from our parents at the end of the day. A role model! A north star! A person doing a lot of stuff ‘I'm trying to learn.’ It was in that spirit I came across this fascinating 90-year-old letter that ​F. Scott Fitzgerald​ ('The Great Gatsby', 'Tender Is The Night') sent his 11-year-old daughter Frances when she was away at camp.

I love the tone of the letter — an almost adult-level of knowing-understanding combined with the conciliatory twang of an elder wanting the best for their dearest. But maybe from an elder who also happens to know that most advice is flimsy? F. Scott Fitzgerald died when Frances, his only child, was just 19. He was 44. (Maybe hitting 44 is what's compelling me to try the same?)

I hope you enjoy this Letter To His 11-Year-Old Daughter in Camp by F. Scott Fitzerald.

Neil

PS. If you're curious about the Shakespeare Sonnet he references, I posted it ​here for you​!

---

F. Scott Fitzgerald to His 11-Year-Old Daughter in Camp

AUGUST 8, 1933
LA PAIX RODGERS' FORGE
TOWSON, MARYLAND

DEAR PIE:

I feel very strongly about you doing duty. Would you give me a little more documentation about your reading in French? I am glad you are happy—but I never believe much in happiness. I never believe in misery either. Those are things you see on the stage or the screen or the printed page, they never really happen to you in life.

All I believe in in life is the rewards for virtue (according to your talents) and the punishments for not fulfilling your duties, which are doubly costly. If there is such a volume in the camp library, will you ask Mrs. Tyson to let you look up a sonnet of Shakespeare's in which the line occurs Lilies that fester smell far worse than weeds....

I think of you, and always pleasantly, but I am going to take the White Cat out and beat his bottom hard, six times for every time you are impertinent. Do you react to that?...

Half-wit, I will conclude. Things to worry about:

Worry about courage
Worry about cleanliness
Worry about efficiency
Worry about horsemanship...
Things not to worry about:
Don't worry about popular opinion
Don't worry about dolls
Don't worry about the past
Don't worry about the future
Don't worry about growing up
Don't worry about anybody getting ahead of you
Don't worry about triumph
Don't worry about failure unless it comes through your own fault
Don't worry about mosquitoes
Don't worry about flies
Don't worry about insects in general
Don't worry about parents
Don't worry about boys
Don't worry about disappointments
Don't worry about pleasures
Don't worry about satisfactions
Things to think about:
What am I really aiming at?
How good am I really in comparison to my contemporaries in regard to:
(a) Scholarship
(b) Do I really understand about people and am I able to get along with them?
(c) Am I trying to make my body a useful instrument or am I neglecting it?

With dearest love,

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7 quotes on the power of reading from Charlie Munger

Hey everyone,
​
Charlie Munger died last Tuesday at age 99. If you don't know him, I recommend this New York Times obituary or (to go deeper) the book Poor Charlie's Almanack which was one of my top books of 2020. I was texting my friend Shane the day his death was announced and he told me had a meeting scheduled with Charlie. That day! They were going to discuss Charlie coming on Shane's podcast. He got a cancellation from Charlie's assistant a few hours before the news. But think about that: At age 99 the man was ... still working. I love that. You know my views on retirement​ which I expand on heavily in The Happiness Equation.​
​
One quote I love which I got from this 2005 "Never Retire" NYT Op-Ed by Bill Safire is: "When you're through changing, you're through." Maybe that's the real pearl of wisdom. Not to keep gunning till you die but to simply always strive to change — to grow — to learn. Curiosity! Staying connected! Being tapped in! I hope when I'm 99 I have a meeting scheduled with some plucky Canadian podcaster 50 years younger than me. Why? Because I know I'll learn something from that. And I hope that after the call I pick up a book.
​
Charlie Munger's wisdom is captured in many places — including this great repository Shane created on his blog — but today I want to just share a few of my favorite quotes about reading. He was a reading evangelist! And I love him for it. Because sometimes, when I'm on, you know, the tenth hour of writing up my monthly book club or twenty hours into prepping to interview somebody about their formative books I stop and think "Wait, does anybody even read anymore? Who's reading books? Why am I focusing all my time and energy on something potentially shrinking when I should really be learning how to use The Tik Tok?"
​
Ah, but then I read quotes like these and remember. Wisdom, learning, growing, changing — really living, that's what I'm after. I think that's something we share. And I know I have found nothing offering more compressed wisdom nor a wider range of experienced emotions than reading books.
​
Thank you, Charlie. Rest in peace. And may we all enjoy a lifetime of reading. A few of my favorite "Charlie on reading" quotes below!
​
Neil

---

​1. “In my whole life, I have known no wise people (over a broad subject matter area) who didn’t read all the time – none, zero.”
​
2. “As long as I have a book in my hand, I don’t feel like I’m wasting time.”
​
3. “We read a lot. I don’t know anyone who’s wise who doesn’t read a lot. But that’s not enough: You have to have a temperament to grab ideas and do sensible things. Most people don’t grab the right ideas or don’t know what to do with them.”
​
4. “Warren (Buffett) and I do more reading and thinking and less doing than most people in business. We do that because we like that kind of a life. But we’ve turned that quirk into a positive outcome for ourselves. We both insist on a lot of time being available almost every day to just sit and think. That is very uncommon in American business. We read and think.”
​
5. "Develop into a lifelong self-learner through voracious reading; cultivate curiosity and strive to become a little wiser every day.”
​
6. "It's been my experience in life if you just keep thinking and reading you don't have to work."
​
7. “If it’s wisdom you are after, you are going to spend a lot of time sitting on your ass and reading.”

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7 books to calm your mind before bed (instead of watching the news!)

Hey everyone,
​
Time for my Black Friday door-crashing special! Just kidding. I'm not doing that. I just want to talk about reading books. Why? Well, do you fall into late-night doomscrolling rabbit holes like I do? Makes sense! Billions of dollars of research have fine-tuned the hijacking machine that pulls us forever deeper into news and social media funnels. Especially when we're tired and unable to mentally pull away. I've started locking my phone in a Kitchen Safe every night -- I bought the Mini version from this website (no affiliation and not an ad!) -- and then head up to read.
​
Here are 7 books to help calm your mind before bed,
​
Neil

---

​Little House in the Big Woods by Laura Ingalls Wilder. Let's start with some children's literature! Hypnotic autobiographical description of growing up in rural Wisconsin in the late 1800s. From shooting panthers to smoking meat in hollow tree trunks to playing catch with pig bladders. There is no plot. There is no crisis. There’s just 238 pages in 18-point font of vivid memories weaved into a captivating tableau that makes you feel like you’re living another life. And one that's far, far away from this one. Masterful escapism and the first book in the famous “Little House” series. Originally written in 1937 and still perfect today.
​
​

​How To Calm Your Mind: Finding Presence and Productivity in Anxious Times by Chris Bailey. Little more head on but a great book Chris wrote post-burnout and post-anxiety attack as a simple guide to calming his / your mind. So how do we calm your mind? Get off phones, get outside, lower dopamine, increase analog -- and Chris leads us there with a great dose of left-brain-scratching research and a, yes, calm tone that makes this a perfect read for right now. Great offering for the overwhelmed.
​
​

​When You Are Engulfed In Flames by David Sedaris. Really anything by David Sedaris could go here. A long time ago my friend Shiv told me she read a Sedaris essay every night before bed. Something sounded off about that. But then I tried it. And she’s right! There’s something so soothing about his slow, peaceful pace. The rhythm feels like hanging with a friend. And the laughs wash away stress, too. Here’s “It’s Catching” by Sedaris in The New Yorker if you want a sample from this collection. I still love Naked and Me Talk Pretty One Day, too.
​
​

​Gilead by Marilynne Robinson. Set in a small Iowa town named (yes) Gilead in the 1950s the book is a letter from a septuagenarian pastor to his first and only child, a young boy, with everything he wishes he’d be around to tell him when he got older. Sound tearjerking already? Just wait. There are layers beyond layers here and yet they’re all baked into a pastry that somehow feels light. I already feel like I need to read it again. Winner of the National Book Critics Circle Award and the Pulitzer Prize.
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​Ikigai: The Japanese Secret to a Long and Happy Life by Héctor García and Francesc Miralles. I wrote a lot about ikigai in The Happiness Equation which is perhaps why Hector Garcia mailed me a copy of this book when it first came out. It has gone on to become a massive international bestseller. And for good reason: The book triangulates and expands elements of Dan Buettner’s famous Blue Zones studies and TED Talk into a well-researched, wide-ranging, well-organized handbook with everything from sharing Okinawan antioxidant-rich food to lessons on practicing qigong. Helps us pull away from the stress of today.
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​The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and The Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman. A wonderful collection of excerpts from the Stoic greats -- Marcus Aurelius, Epictetus, Seneca, and their pals -- with a contemporary expansion from Ryan. Nothing beats getting out of the moment like reading something over 1000 years old. (That's one of my seven ideas for sleeping better.) This is Ryan Holiday's bestselling book for good reason.
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​Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu. James Frey told me he finds solace in the Tao Te Ching -- one of his three most formative books. A lot of little poems or words of wisdom resonated with me from that book so I looked for a copy. What’s the biggest problem finding a “book” written over 2500 years ago? Picking a translation. The used bookstore near my house had about a dozen. I kept opening and looking for one where I could make sense of what I was reading and finally settled on a translation by David Hinton. You can find some good options to pick from here. Wonderful to read a few pages before bed. Sometimes they rattle around my brain, sometimes I feel like I’m lost in a zen koan, and sometimes I feel like I pull something beautiful from them. Here’s a sample: “7. There’s a reason heaven and earth go on enduring forever / their life isn’t their own / so their life goes on forever. / Hence, in putting himself last / the sage puts himself first, / and in giving himself up / he preserves himself. / If you aren’t free of yourself / how will you ever become yourself?”
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We live in overwhelming times! I hope one of these books helps you pull yourself back from the overwhelm. As always, just reply and let me know which ones you resonated with or any others you recommend. Hang in there, everybody.

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How to Tell Yourself a Different Story with Seth Godin

Hey everyone,

A few moons ago I began testing a new short-and-sweet style release on my 3 Books podcast feed. I’m thinking of the entire show as one big book! And, as you know, every full moon I drop a new Chapter. The goal is 333 Chapters total for 1000 formative books all the way up to 2040.

Well, now I’m trying out Pages. A Page is a 333-second (or less) excerpt from a Chapter dropped at 3:33am between Chapters. Bite-sized! Meant to drop a little morsel of wisdom — or a book recommendation or an interesting viewpoint — into your feed. For short commutes, little walks, or just a podcast palette cleanser between longer listens.

Today I’m pasting the transcript of the most popular Page so far: Page 31 from Seth Godin called “How to Tell Yourself a Different Story.” You can download all Pages by subscribing to the show on Apple or Spotify. 100% free and 100% ad-free — as always.

Have a great week,

Neil

 

Page 31: How to Tell Yourself a Different Story with Seth Godin

Page 31 here | Full chat with Seth here

Seth: I think almost all help is self-help. If you were drowning, it's really unlikely that someone will pick you up and take you out of the water. It is way more likely that someone will throw you a life buoy. Or, reach out with a long stick. Or, try to help you swim to shore. But if you don't want to do it, you're probably not going to get saved. And that, what we seek to do when we want to do better, when we want to feel better, or when we want to make a better difference, is help ourselves, is commit to moving forward. And that's all a self-help book does, if it's doing a good job, is open the door for you to fix yourself. The author can't fix you. The diet book can't make you skinny. A book on goal setting can't make you successful. What it can do is open the door.

And so, if you say, 'I don't like self-help books, they're always trying to do this and this and this.' You might be saying, 'Well actually I don't want to help myself get out of this spot I'm in because I'm comfortable being unhappy. I'm comfortable being stuck.' And that the problem with reading a book like this is that it might work. And if it works, then I'll have to change. And if I change, that might be uncomfortable.

My story is that I was unsuccessful and unhappy. I had a narrative in my head that things weren't working and every time something didn't work I would go 'Ah, there it goes again!' But the door was open and I said, you know what, your problem is not the outside world. Your problem is the story you're telling yourself about the outside world, and that story is a choice. And if you're not happy with the story, tell yourself another story. Period. That simple. And most people will hear what I just said and not change anything. Because I'd been telling myself a story that made me unhappy. And if I wasn't happy with that story I should tell myself a different story. The outside world wasn't the problem. I mean I won the birthday lottery. I grew up with great parents, upper-middle class, with privilege, going to a famous college, and I was healthy. So every story I was telling myself was this made-up story that I didn't have to tell myself. I could've told myself a different story. And that choice is at the heart of almost every self-help book. And it's at the heart of what a non-fiction author has the chance to do. Now notice, when you read a book, the voice is your voice -- not true when you listen to an audiobook. Your voice, in your head, saying something that you didn't believe until you read it. And maybe, just maybe, the author can use the tension and the leverage and the moment to create a little bit of magic that gets you to open the door you could've opened all along. All of us could tell ourselves a better story.

Neil: What happened after that? You said everything changed?

Seth: My life completely changed. I stopped whining. I stopped looking for reasons to whine. Shortly thereafter I applied for an on-campus job and became co-founder of the largest student run business in the country. We started a travel agency and a ticket bureau and a concert agency and a coffee shop and a laundry service and a birthday cake service, every week or two we started a new business and -- so many things happened because I chose to tell myself a different story. Shortly after that I met the woman who became my wife, which was a great decision on my part, and so all of those factors happened, not because the outside world got better, but because I chose to tell myself a different story.

Neil: That is so beautiful.

 

Listen to all Pages on Apple or Spotify. Full chat with Seth here.

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The Nature of the Fun by David Foster Wallace

Hey everyone,

'The Nature of the Fun' by David Foster Wallace (DFW) is one of my favorite essays.

It's purportedly about writing fiction—and wrestling through the fears and emotions around the process—but I think it applies to a lot more. Like how to find, and especially re-find, the fun at the heart of whatever challenging thing you're doing. Especially after you've had some success. Beware market winds or they may blow you senseless!

This essay originally appeared in 'Fiction Writer' in 1998 and is available today as part of the absolutely phenomenal DFW essay collection 'Both Flesh and Not' (Library, Goodreads, Amazon). The copyright is held by the David Foster Wallace Literary Trust. (DFW very sadly died by suicide in 2008.) I have bought 'Both Flesh and Not' (Library, Goodreads, Amazon) as a gift for people many times and highly recommend it. This essay is worth owning in print and the title track on Roger Federer is likely the best essay on tennis ever written. Many, many gems in there.

On a personal note I talked about 'The Nature of the Fun' back in Chapter 1 of 3 Books as it was a big part of my inspiration to start the podcast. I reread it often and use it as a helpful artistic centering force.

I hope you like it too,

Neil

 

The Nature of the Fun

Written by David Foster Wallace | (Library, Goodreads, Amazon)
 

The best metaphor I know of for being a fiction writer is in Don DeLillo's Mao II, where he describes a book-in-progress as a kind of hideously damaged infant that follows the writer around, forever crawling after the writer (i.e., dragging itself across the floor of restaurants where the writer's trying to eat, appearing at the foot of the bed first thing in the morning, etc.), hideously defective, hydrocephalic and noseless and flipper-armed and incontinent and retarded and dribbling cerebrospinal fluid out of its mouth as it mewls and blurbles and cries out to the writer, wanting love, wanting the very thing its hideousness guarantees it'll get: the writer's complete attention.

     The damaged-infant trope is perfect because it captures the mix of repulsion and love the fiction writer feels for something he's working on. The fiction always comes out so horrifically defective, so hideous a betrayal of all your hopes for it—a cruel and repellent caricature of the perfection of its conception—yes, understand: grotesque because imperfect. And yet it's yours, the infant is, it's you, and you love it and dandle it and wipe the cerebrospinal fluid off its slack chin with the cuff of the only clean shirt you have left because you haven't done laundry in like three weeks because finally this one chapter or character seems like it's finally trembling on the edge of coming together and working and you're terrified to spend any time on anything other than working on it because if you look away for a second you'll lose it, dooming the whole infant to continued hideousness. And but so you love the damaged infant and pity it and care for it; but also you hate it—hate it—because it's deformed, repellent, because something grotesque has happened to it in the parturition from head to page; hate it because its deformity is your deformity (since if you were a better fiction writer your infant would of course look like one of those babies in catalogue ads for infantwear, perfect and pink and cerebrospinally continent) and its every hideous incontinent breath is a devastating indictment of you, on all levels... and so you want it dead, even as you dote and love and wipe it and dandle it and sometimes even apply CPR when it seems like its own grotesqueness has blocked its breath and it might die altogether.

     The whole thing's all very messed up and sad, but simultaneously it's also tender and moving and noble and cool—it's a genuine relationship, of a sort—and even at the height of its hideousness the damaged infant somehow touches and awakens what you suspect are some of the very best parts of you: maternal parts, dark ones. You love your infant very much. And you want others to love it, too, when the time finally comes for the damaged infant to go out and face the world.

     So you're in a bit of a dicey position: you love the infant and want others to love it, but that means you hope others won't see it correctly. You want to sort of fool people: you want them to see as perfect what you in your heart know is a betrayal of all perfection.

     Or else you don't want to fool these people; what you want is you want them to see and love a lovely, miraculous, perfect, ad-ready infant and to be right, correct, in what they see and feel. You want to be terribly wrong: you want the damaged infant's hideousness to turn out to have been nothing but your own weird delusion or hallucination. But that'd mean you were crazy: you have seen, been stalked by, and recoiled from hideous deformities that in fact (others persuade you) aren't there at all. Meaning you're at least a couple fries short of a Happy Meal, surely. But worse: it'd also mean you see and despise hideousness in a thing you made (and love), in your spawn, in in certain ways you. And this last, best hope—this'd represent something way worse than just very bad parenting; it'd be a terrible kind of self-assault, almost self-torture. But that's still what you most want: to be completely, insanely, suicidally wrong. 

     But it's still all a lot of fun. Don't get me wrong. As to the nature of that fun, I keep remembering this strange little story I heard in Sunday school when I was about the size of a fire hydrant. It takes place in China or Korea or someplace like that. It seems there was this old farmer outside a village in the hill country who worked his farm with only his son and his beloved horse. One day the horse, who was not only beloved but vital to the labor-intensive work on the farm, picked the lock on his corral or whatever and ran off into the hills. All the old farmer's friends came around to exclaim what bad luck this was. The farmer only shrugged and said, "Good luck, bad luck, who knows?" A couple days later the beloved horse returned from the hills in the company of a whole priceless herd of wild horses, and the farmer's friends all come around to congratulate him on what good luck the horse's escape turned out to be. "Good luck, bad luck, who knows?" is all the farmer says in reply, shrugging. The farmer now strikes me as a bit Yiddish-sounding for an old Chinese farmer, but this is how I remember it. But so the farmer and his son set about breaking the wild horses, and one of the horses bucks the son off his back with such wild force that the son breaks his leg. And here come the friends to commiserate with the farmer and curse the bad luck that had ever brought these accursed wild horses onto his farm. The old farmer just shrugs and says, "Good luck, bad luck, who knows?" A few days later the Imperial Sino-Korean Army or something like that comes marching through the village, conscripting every able-bodied male between like ten and sixty for cannon-fodder for some hideously bloody conflict that's apparently brewing, but when they see the son's broken leg, they let him off on some sort of feudal 4-F, and instead of getting shanghaied the son stays on the farm with the old farmer. Good luck? Bad luck?

     This is the sort of parabolic straw you cling to as you struggle with the issue of fun, as a writer. In the beginning, when you first start out trying to write fiction, the whole endeavor's about fun. You don't expect anybody else to read it. You're writing almost wholly to get yourself off. To enable your own fantasies and deviant logics and to escape or transform parts of yourself you don't like. And it works—and it's terrific fun. Then, if you have good luck and people seem to like what you do, and you actually get to get paid for it, and get to see your stuff professionally typeset and bound and blurbed and reviewed and even (once) being read on the AM subway by a pretty girl you don't even know, it seems to make it even more fun. For a while. Then things start to get complicated and confusing, not to mention scary. Now you feel like you're writing for other people, or at least you hope so. You're no longer writing just to get yourself off, which—since any kind of masturbation is lonely and hollow—is probably good. But what replaces the onanistic motive? You've found you very much enjoy having your writing liked by people, and you find you're extremely keen to have people like the new stuff you're doing. The motive of pure personal fun starts to get supplanted by the motive of being liked, of having pretty people you don't know like you and admire you and think you're a good writer. Onanism gives way to attempted seduction, as a motive. Now, attempted seduction is hard work, and its fun is offset by a terrible fear of rejection. Whatever "ego" means, your ego has now gotten into the game. Or maybe "vanity" is a better word. Because you notice that a good deal of your writing has now become basically showing off, trying to get people to think you're good. This is understandable. You have a great deal of yourself on the line, now, writing—your vanity is at stake. You discover a tricky thing about fiction writing: a certain amount of vanity is necessary to be able to do it at all, but any vanity above that certain amount is lethal. At this point 90+ percent of the stuff you're writing is motivated and informed by an overwhelming need to be liked. This results in shitty fiction. And the shitty work must get fed to the wastebasket, less because of any sort of artistic integrity than simply because shitty work will make you disliked. At this point in the evolution of writerly fun, the very thing that's always motivated you to write is now also what's motivating you to feed your writing to the wastebasket. This is a paradox and a kind of double bind, and it can keep you stuck inside yourself for months or even years, during which you wail and gnash and rue your bad luck and wonder bitterly where all the fun of the thing could have gone.

     The smart thing to say, I think, is that the way out of this bind is to work your way somehow back to your original motivation: fun. And, if you can find your way back to the fun, you will find that the hideously unfortunate double bind of the late vain period turns out really to have been good luck for you. Because the fun you work back to has been transfigured by the unpleasantness of vanity and fear, an unpleasantness you're now so anxious to avoid that the fun you rediscover is a way fuller and more large-hearted kind of fun. It has something to do with Work as Play. Or with the discovery that disciplined fun is more fun than impulsive or hedonistic fun. Or with figuring out that not all paradoxes have to be paralyzing. Under fun's new administration, writing fiction becomes a way to go deep inside yourself and illuminate precisely the stuff you don't want to see or let anyone else see, and this stuff usually turns out (paradoxically) to be precisely the stuff all writers and readers share and respond to, feel. Fiction becomes a weird way to countenance yourself and to tell the truth instead of being a way to escape yourself or present yourself in a way you figure you will be maximally likable. This process is complicated and confusing and scary, and also hard work, but it turns out to be the best fun there is.

     The fact that you can now sustain the fun of writing only by confronting the very same unfun parts of yourself you'd first used writing to avoid or disguise is another paradox, but this one isn't any kind of bind at all. What it is is a gift, a kind of miracle, and compared to it the reward of strangers' affection is as dust, lint. 

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44 Things I've (Almost) Learned As I Turn 44

Hey everyone,

Today is my birthday!

Last year I shared a list of birthday advice. Now it's time for this years! Two in a row makes it a tradition, I think. For the list just scroll down!

Btw some background if you're still reading the top part: I've been wisdom-collecting for years. In my 20s I took hundreds of flights and always made it my goal to ask the person I was sitting beside for a piece of life advice before getting off the plane. (It helps that my 20s were before airplane internet and giant headphone cocoons.) I'm sure a lot of these come from those chats. And then, after last year's list, I made a little file on my phone called "44" and have been planting, snipping, and pruning it all year -- treating this list like some kind of little plant I'm ready to finally put on my porch.

And remember: Lists like these are preachy by nature! Take what you like and chuck the rest in the bin.

Here we go:

1. The best sunblock is the one you use.

2. If you don't know if it goes in the dryer, it doesn't. 

3. Let your kids catch you reading books. Don't let them watch you scrolling social media.

4. 3 E's of a great speech: Entertain, Educate, Empower.

5. Dating tip: You meet interesting people in interesting places.

6. Add a silent mental "...yet" to any sentence you catch yourself starting with "I can't", "I'm not", or "I don't." "I can't speak Hindi ...yet", "I'm not a runner ...yet", "I don't eat oysters ...yet."

7. Mood follows action.

8. Time you spend with your kids when they're young correlates with time they spend with you when you're old.

9. Stock tip: Buy the haystack, not the needle.

10. Never buy a couch before taking a nap on it.

11. Remember the 'End Of History Illusion': We all know our pasts were bumpy -- yet never expect our futures to be.

12. Ideas are the easy part. Doing it is the hard part.

13. No cell phones in the bedroom. If you need waking up, buy an alarm clock. If you get emergency calls, get a landline.

14. There's nothing wrong with ending a sentence with of.

15. Easy way to entertain toddlers: Lie face down in the middle of the floor.

16. Grapefruits that look best often taste worst and grapefruits that look worst often taste best.

17. Wrap floss around middle fingers not pointer fingers.

18. Most people read zero books last year. 2 pages of fiction a day helps build back the habit. 'Foster', 'Animal Farm', 'A Christmas Carol', 'The Little Prince', and 'The Old Man and The Sea' are all <100 pages.

19. You can't make new old friends.

20. Addiction is when something that takes you from normal to good starts taking you from bad to normal.

21. Beware the 5 greatest regrets of the dying: i) I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself ii) I wish I hadn't worked so hard iii) I wish I had the courage to express my feelings, iv) I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends, and v) I wish I had let myself be happier

22. Don't post your kids faces online. They might sue you.

23. Divorce is not a death sentence.

24. Strapping things to your body to measure things in your body makes you less connected to your body.

25. Between jobs remember: The longer you hold your breath underwater the more interesting place you come up.

26. On making decisions: Low time, low importance? Automate. High time, low importance? Regulate. Low time, high importance? Effectuate. (Just do it!) High time, high importance? Debate.

27. If you don't deal with your shit, your shit deals with you.

28. When sending meeting options in multiple time zones put their time zone first.

29. Stitches vs Bandaids Test: Aim to say yes to kids trying things that cause bandaids and no to things that cause stitches.

30. You don't have to finish the book.

31. Ikigai: A reason to get out of bed in the morning. Write one down on a folded index card and leave it on your bedside table.

32. To pay more attention in video meetings: Hide Self View.

33. Blender breakfast I've used for 15 years: water, cinnamon, turmeric, protein, frozen banana, frozen greens, powdered greens, nut milk, nut butter, yogurt, avocado.

34. Guaranteed way to get good: Do it for free for ten years.

35. You don't rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems.

36. Funeral Rule: If you're not sure if you should go, go.

37. The Lindy Effect: Longer something's been popular, longer it'll stay popular. Helpful for finding books, restaurants, ideas.

38. Cut the cord between guilt and pleasure.

39. Social Media Paradox: More you're posting about it less you're doing it.

40. There is a relationship between how much you buy local and how nice the flowers are in your park.

41. Changing your mind is a sign of strength not weakness.

42. There is a tiny arrow on your gas gauge that tells you which way to park your car at the pumps.

43. Quickest happiness hack? Lower expectations.

44. You only earned what you spent and enjoyed.

 -

I'm sure I stole all of these but some specific credits: Rich Roll (7), Daniel Gilbert, Jordi Quoidbach, and Timothy Wilson (11), Paul Graham (20), Bronnie Ware (21), Sarah Silverman (27), Joey Coleman (29), James Clear (35), and my dad (44). Bad paraphrases all mine, of course. Click here to read last year's list.

Read more of my birthday advice:

45 Things I’ve (Almost) Learned As I Turn 45

43 Things I've (Almost) Learned As I Turn 43

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"The right to the future tense" by Shoshana Zuboff

Hey everyone,

In my May 2023 Book Club, I said 'The Age of Surveillance Capitalism' by Shoshana Zuboff is the best book I've read this year. A rip-the-mask-off-the-tech-giants journalistic tour de force that squeezed my mind and my heart. I honestly think about the book several times a week -- even months later.

One of the more profound insights it left me with is this idea of who owns "the right to the future tense." Right now? We do! We get to decide what we do next, right? But... for how long? Algorithms nudge our behavior into binary actions that chip away agency. A map tells us which way to drive ... then slips a donut ad in at the red light. A prompt from the pharmacy tells us the next tube of cream has been delivered to our mailbox ... before we've even checked to see if the rash is still there. Does this nudging add up to convenience alone? When will it -- or when did it -- tip further into behavior ... cajoling. Behavior ... determining?

Who owns the future tense? Today I'm sharing a short excerpt from Chapter 11 of 'The Age of Surveillance Capitalism' introducing this idea. These are 8 of the first 12 paragraphs of that chapter that run across four of the 525 pages of the book. I hope this might nudge you into buying the book. (You can do so right here!) But, of course, that is still (for now) your decision...

Neil

Chapter Eleven

The Right To The Future Tense

An Excerpt from ‘The Age of Surveillance Capitalism’

Written by Shoshana Zuboff 

I. I Will to Will

I wake early. The day begins before I open my eyes. My mind is in motion. Words and sentences have streamed through my dreams, solving problems on yesterday's pages. The first work of the day is to retrieve those words that lay open a puzzle. Only then am I ready to awaken my senses. I try to discern each birdcall in the symphony outside our windows: the phoebe, redwing, blue jay, mockingbird, woodpecker, finch, starling, and chickadee. Soaring above all their songs are the cries of geese over the lake. I splash warm water on my face, drink cool water to coax my body into alertness, and commune with our dog in the still-silent house. I make coffee and bring it into my study, where I settle into my desk chair, call up my screen, and begin. I think. I write these words, and I imagine you reading them. I do this every day of every week—as I have for several years—and it is likely that I will continue to do so for one or two years to come. 
     I watch the seasons from the windows above my desk: first green, then red and gold, then white, and then back to green again. When friends come to visit, they peek into my study. There are books and papers stacked on every surface and most of the floor. I know they feel overwhelmed at this sight, and sometimes I sense that they silently pity me for my obligation to this work and how it circumscribes my days. I do not think that they realize how free I am. In fact, I have never felt more free. How is this possible?
     I made a promise to complete this work. This promise is my flag planted in the future tense. It represents my commitment to construct a future that cannot come into being should I abandon my promise. This future will not exist without my capacity first to imagine its facts and then to will them into being. I am an inchworm moving with determination and purpose across the distance between now and later. Each tiny increment of territory that I traverse is annexed to the known world, as my effort transforms uncertainty into fact. Should I renege on my promise, the world would not collapse. My publisher would survive the abrogation of our contract. You would find many other books to read. I would move on to other projects.
     My promise, though, is an anchor that girds me against the vagaries of my moods and temptations. It is the product of my will to will and a compass that steers my course toward a desired future that is not yet real. Events may originate in energy sources outside my will and abruptly alter my course in ways that I can neither predict nor control. Indeed, they have already done so. Despite this certain knowledge of uncertainty, I have no doubt that I am free. I can promise to create a future, and I can keep my promise. If the book that I have imagined is to exist in the future, it must be because I will to will it so. I live in an expansive landscape that already includes a future that only I can imagine and intend. In my world, this book I write already exists. In fulfilling my promise, I make it manifest. This act of will is my claim to the future tense.
     To make a promise is to predict the future; to fulfill a promise through the exercise of will turns that prediction into fact. Our hearts pump our blood, our kidneys filter that blood, and our wills create the future in the patient discovery of each new sentence or step. This is how we claim our right to speak in the first person as the author of our futures. The philosopher Hannah Arendt devoted an entire volume to an examination of will as the "organ for the future" in the same way that memory is our mental organ for the past. The power of will lies in its unique ability to deal with things, "visibles and invisibles, that have never existed at all. Just as the past always presents itself to the mind in the guise of certainty, the future's main characteristic is its basic uncertainty, no matter how high a degree of probability prediction may attain." When we refer to the past, we see only objects, but the view to the future brings "projects," things that are yet to be. With freedom of will we undertake action that is entirely contingent on our determination to see our project through. These are acts that we could have "left undone" but for our commitment. "A will that is not free," Arendt concludes, "is a contradiction in terms."
     Will is the organ with which we summon our futures into existence. Arendt's metaphor of will as the "mental organ of our future" suggests that it is something built into us: organic, intrinsic, inalienable. Moral philosophers have called this "free will" because it is the human counterpoint to the fear of uncertainty that suffocates original action. Arendt describes promises as "islands of predictability" and "guideposts of reliability" in an "ocean of uncertainty." They are, she argues, the only alternative to a different kind of "mastery" that relies on "domination of one's self and rule over others."
     . . .
     Why should an experience as elemental as this claim on the future tense be cast as a human right? The short answer is that it is only necessary now because it is imperiled. Searle argues that such elemental "features of human life" rights are crystallized as formal human rights only at that moment in history when they come under systematic threat. So, for example, the ability to speak is elemental. The concept of "freedom of speech" as a formal right emerged only when society evolved to a degree of political complexity that the freedom to speak came under threat. The philosopher observes that speech is not more elemental to human life than breathing or being able to move one's body. No one has declared a "right to breathe" or a "right to bodily movement" because these elemental rights have not come under attack and therefore do not require formal protection. What counts as a basic right, Searle argues, is both "historically contingent" and "pragmatic."
     I suggest that we now face the moment in history when the elemental right to the future tense is endangered by a panvasive digital architecture of behavior modification owned and operated by surveillance capital, necessitated by its economic imperatives, and driven by its laws of motion, all for the sake of its guaranteed outcomes. 

10 things I (try to) do every day to get more done

Do you feel like it’s getting harder to get stuff done?

It’s not just you. The distraction machine is cranked to 10. Endless apps and feeds and algorithms fight for our attention. They’re good at getting it, too! No wonder Reed Hastings, founder of Netflix, says their greatest competitor of all is sleep.

I find myself revisiting simple practices to help make sure I actually get anything done.

Here are ten habits I (try to) do to get more done each day:

1. Wake up and look at my ikigai

An ikigai is the ‘reason you get out of bed in the morning.’

Leslie and I take simple blank index cards, fold them in half, and set them up like tent cards on our bedside table.

I think of the ikigai I write on the card as “my morning message to myself” and find it helps provide a quick north star to my day.

I change what I write on the cards. Sometimes I’ll get lofty and purposeful (“Helping people live happy lives”), sometimes I’ll get focused (“Finish writing the next book”), and sometimes I’ll just use the card as a way to neutralize anxiety (“You have enough.”)

I write more about ikigais in The Happiness Equation and, if you want to go deeper, I recommend Héctor Garcia’s book Ikigai.
 
2. Two-Minute Mornings

I spend half a second staring at my ikigai card. Now what?

The next thing I do is grab my Two-Minute Mornings journal (or just any other index card is fine) and write my response to three prompts:

• I will let go of…

• I am grateful for…

• I will focus on…

Research titled “Don’t look back in anger!” by Brassen, Gamer, Peters, Gluth, and Bluch in Science shows that minimizing regrets as we age creates greater contentment and happiness. I think there’s a big reason why confession and repentance show up across major world religions. Writing down and letting go of something feels like wiping a wet shammy across the blackboard of our minds. (I will let go of…)

Research by Emmons and McCullough shows if you write down five gratitudes a week you’re measurably happier over a ten-week period. The more specific the better! Don’t write “my dog” ten days in a row. Try “When the rescue puppy we got during the pandemic finally stopped peeing on my husband’s pillow,” etc. (I am grateful for…)

Finally, all kinds of small aggravating things hang out in my brain when I sleep. I'm not talking dreams. I mean the middle of the night "Oh yeah, I need to do that" things. Take the van in for the oil change! Ask the pharmacist about that rash! Overnight brain burbles need to be processed so the last prompt helps me aim to get one done. I'm carving a “will do” from my endless “could do" and "should do” lists. (I will focus on…)

Two-minute mornings help prime your brain for positivity.

3. Lift something heavy  

Every day I lift heavy weights I seem to buy myself the rest of the day without feeling stress. It’s like a magic pill. I don’t like lifting weights! I hate lifting weights! But it’s worth it for that stress-free feeling for the next 24 hours.

Workouts such as Push/Pull/Legs or 5x5 are great -- and, honestly, just Google Image-searching them plus "workout" works for me -- but if you need a cajoling of some kind I suggest using Trainiac. I started in the pandemic and I got a real human coach (hi Geoff!) who sets my routines, using the equipment I have or will have (i.e., at a hotel gym), and then sends me notes, prompts, messages, and videos to keep me going. I don’t know how to do an exercise? I send him a video, he critiques my form. I have a question? He responds the next day.

To be clear: I’m not being sponsored by this app — I have no ads on any of my stuff and I accept zero payments or credits, etc, etc — but I’ve just been using it since the pandemic and enjoy it. I did personal training (like in person, at a gym) years ago but found it time and cost prohibitive.

I personally set my goal for four workouts a week and then if I “fail” and only get three in I still feel good. What about no workout days? I throw my kids in the air for a few minutes. I’m winded after! And we both feel great.

4. Walk 5km a day

Guess what the average human walking speed is?

5km/hour.

So just moving one phone meeting to a “walk and talk” helps get that 5km of walking in. I personally find that I’m actually more focused on the phone call when I’m walking because I’m not surrounded by the endless distractions of screens. Plus, it’s good for your health, good for community connection (you actually talk to your neighbors!), and walking tends to stoke your creativity, too. And, side benefit, it brings out your inner birder.

For more on walking I recommend “Walking” by Henry David Thoreau (free out of copyright full version) or “Why I Do All This Walking” by Nassim Taleb (Scribd link, with full essay in The Black Swan.)

5. Schedule one UNTOUCHABLE day a week

Okay, this isn’t a daily habit but a weekly one. I’m sneaking it in anyway because it’s so powerful.

A New Yorker feature by Alexandra Schwartz calls our focus on productivity and hustle “improving ourselves to death.” She writes, “It’s no longer enough to imagine our way to a better state of body or mind. We must now chart our progress, count our steps, log our sleep rhythms, tweak our diets, record our negative thoughts — then analyze the data, recalibrate, and repeat.”

What’s one solution? Untouchable Days. These are days where I am literally unreachable, by anyone, in any way — all day. My productivity is about 10 times higher on these days.

I know on the surface this idea sounds completely impractical and I mostly get scoffing and head shakes when I start talking about it. But, I also get more emails from people successfully using this concept across a vast array of ages and careers. If it sounds too hard, there’s nothing wrong with starting with an Untouchable Lunch. Leave your phone at your desk and get outside for an hour where nobody can reach you.

I go deeper on this concept in this viral HBR article and in my book on resilience.

6. Read 20 (or even 2!) pages of fiction a day

The Annual Review of Psychology published a report that says books are medicine.

Books create empathy, intimacy, compassion, and understanding. Why? Our brain’s mirror neurons fire when we read about experiences we haven’t lived — when we’re another gender, in another country, in another time … our minds think we’re there.

It’s like that Game of Thrones quote: “A reader lives a thousand lives before he dies … the man who never reads lives only one.”

Now, the troubling stat is that the American Time Use Survey says that 57% of Americans read zero books last year. Zero! Meanwhile, we’re spending over 5 hours a day on our phones.

But Science magazine published a formative study in 2013 which showed that reading literary fiction improved test results measuring social perception and empathy. So if we can channel a few minutes of phone time each day to reading fiction, we’ll have a natural way to zoom out of our problems and feel more connected to the wider world.
Everything feels easier after that.

7. “Wear one suit.”

It’s a principle.

I wear a blue suit jacket, white dress shirt, dark blue jeans, Nike running shoes, and my yellow watch … to every single speech and media interview I do. So I never think about what to wear for any of them. I just buy multiples of the same running shoes, shirts, socks, etc.

Same thing with my breakfast. “Drink one shake.” I’ve been drinking the same shake for fifteen years. Water, turmeric, cinnamon, half a frozen banana, powdered greens, frozen greens, protein, nut butter, nut milk, yogurt, and avocado. Sure, maybe I change the protein flavor once in a while, but the point is that I can make it on auto-pilot.

What can you systemize to free up more brain space for everything else?

8. Write a “3 things” cue card

Every night before I go up to bed I write an index card with tomorrow’s day up top — THURSDAY — and a (maximum) 3-item checklist below. Beside each item, I draw a square box to be checked off. 

Why? Well, a laundry list of 20 things feels overwhelming and oppressive. (That can go on a weekly or monthly checklist.) But the nighttime forced prioritization helps me go to bed knowing I have my track set for the next day. And by making it only 3 I’ve done some of the hard work of simply choosing what not to do.

Also, one principle within the last? “Write first.” What I mean is that writing takes more of my energy than anything else I do, so if the day includes writing I’ll put that first. (You may have heard a similar principle for going to the gym: “Squat first.” Just start with the hardest thing.)

9. Lock the phone up around sunset

University of Bologna professors published a report in Sloan Management Review which showed that anxiety spikes when students don’t have their cellphones for even a single day.

Everyone talks about intermittent fasting … with food. We should be talking about intermittent fasting … with phones.

When I interviewed Johann Hari (author of Stolen Focus) he told me he drops his phone in a K-Safe every night. That’s a big square plastic box with a timer on the outside. Set the timer to 3 hours? It doesn’t open for 3 hours.

Now: Why do I say “around sunset”? Well, because I’m trying (trying!) to get my body more in line with natural light. When the sun dips down I want my brain to dip down, too. Dimmer lights. Candles at dinner. Fewer screens. More books.

Easing my body and mind into a darker, deeper sleep.

Also, if you don’t have a K-Safe or timed lockbox you can try my strategy of asking your partner to “Please hide my phone until tomorrow and don’t tell me where it is even if I ask.”

10. Have a “wind down” routine.

Research from Australia shows that exposing our brains to bright screens before bed reduces melatonin production — the sleep hormone.

So screens mess up our sleep. Great! Now what do we do? Well, we’ve already talked about reading. But what I mean here is you need a nighttime ritual. Maybe it’s playing Rose Rose Thorn Bud with your boyfriend. Maybe it’s flossing and brushing your teeth with your wife. Maybe it’s reading books to your kids. Maybe it’s tidying up your dresser and setting out your clothes for the next morning. Maybe it’s having a warm shower and shaving. 

We need to plug our phones in the basement. (I recommend the furnace room — the darker and cobwebbier, the better!) And have a nighttime ritual that allows us the mental space to widen, reflect, and process the day in a slow and peaceful way.

Okay!

That’s it!

A long list, sure. And a lofty one! But, as always, as with anything I’m suggesting or trying myself, the goal is never to be perfect — it’s just to be a little better than before.

I hope even one or two of these resonate with you. And if you have something you suggest adding to my list — just drop me a line and let me know.

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