A gift guide to my books

Hey everyone,

Anyone else been mainlining ​Phil Spector's Christmas​?

I have it in a cracked jewel case on CD and it's been splitting time in our van lately with some ​Blue Jays talk radio​ and the very occasional moment of ​absolute, perfect silence​.

For those interested in which of my books I recommend here's a quick gift guide.

My books and journals focus on happiness, gratitude, resilience, habits, and community, and they've sold over two million copies and been on bestseller lists for over 200 weeks. Don't take my word! There are over 35,000 reviews on ​Amazon​ and ​GoodReads​.

Here they are from newest to oldest with a Perfect for under each one...

Neil

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A Gift Guide to Neil Pasricha's Books

1. ​CANADA IS AWESOME​ (2025, KDP)

My home country has been big news this year since Trump said he was gonna annex us, after he said he would annex Greenland, before he said he would annex Panama. It felt like a good time to expand my little 5000-word 2017 ​'Canada Is Awesome' audiobook​ into a fresh 10,000 word essay. I posted it online for free (​HTML​, ​PDF​, ​Audiobook​, ​YT​) and decided to ​Amazon self-publish​ it into stocking stuffers, sold at cost. It's a small book! 78 pages. Takes maybe an hour to read. Paperback is on Prime for $7.99 USD/$8.67 CAD but I do recommend the full-colour hardcover if you can swing it for $19.99 USD or $28.04 CAD. Full ​book details here​ and you can buy it on ​Amazon.ca​, ​Amazon.com​, or your ​local Amazon​. (Books are at cost so if you'd like ​your local indie​ to carry it—just ask them!). Hardcover pics below, just click to zoom in.

Perfect for: Canadians, Canadian friends, Canadian neighbours, Canadian allies, & anybody who loves ​poutine​...

2. ​TWO-MINUTE EVENINGS​ (2024, Chronicle)

The best gratitude game ever is Rose, Rose, Thorn, Bud. Simple! Short. Easy. At least a few days a week we play it with the kids around the kitchen table, sometimes Leslie and I play while brushing our teeth or before turning off the light. And when I'm traveling I do the practice solo in this journal. What is it? Simple. What was your Rose of the day? A highlight, gratitude, just one good thing that happened. "It was pizza day.", "I climbed the baseball fence to got the tennis ball.", "I got permission to take the Grade 8's to a play." Then: What's your second Rose? What's one more good thing that happened? "Max can come to my birthday.", "I got to interview someone whose books I've loved for a long time.", “I had time between kid drop off and getting to work to stop and get a warm tea.”, “Neil filled the car with gas for me.” Then a Thorn! What's one thing that didn't go well? A chance to vent, receive empathy. "I had 10 things to do today and I only did 1.", "I didn't make the volleyball team.", "I got into a fight with my dad." Share anything. No judgment. And no telling people what to do. Just listen! Finally, a Bud! What's one thing you're looking forward to? Great place to end because research shows looking forward to anything ... makes you happier. ​"Anticipation for future confers great benefits to human well-being and mental health."​ Leslie and I made 'Two Minute Evenings' to put this gratitude game into physical being—which helps us practice it. Like I said, I've got one in my suitcase and we have one at our bedside table, too. Buy it from ​Chronicle​, ​Indigo​, ​Amazon.ca​, ​Amazon.com​ or your ​local Amazon​. (Or if you're buying 25+ copies ​get a bulk discount here​.)

Perfect for: anyone who gets into bed still thinking about their to-do list, people who want a calm nighttime ritual but don’t have time for a long routine, and anyone who loves ending the day with a pen and paper instead of a screen...

3. ​OUR BOOK OF AWESOME​ (2022, Simon & Schuster)

This book is a celebration of this community. I started putting it together in 2020 exactly ten years after 'The Book of Awesome'—the first one!—came out. This is the fourth and final one. Hundreds of new awesome things, 80% are written by me, 20% written by the community, with 100s of more comments, letters, and one-offs stitched in for a "back of the bus bumping through town" type of cacophony. The book speeds up and then finishes in a triumphant awesome climax. Buy it on ​Amazon​, ​B&N​, ​Bookshop​, ​Indigo​, or, if you're buying 25+ copies for a team or group, ​get a bulk discount here​.

Perfect for: elementary school teachers, managers who want to open or close team meetings by flipping to a gratitude, bathroom readers, and, of course, hardcore fans of 'The Book of Awesome' who want the newest one....

Here are a few sample pages:

4. ​THE RESILIENCE EQUATION​: How to Navigate Change, Wrestle With Failure, and Live an Intentional Life (2019, Simon & Schuster)

I wish this book was called 'The Resilience Equation' so that's what I'm calling it! I realize the cover still says 'You Are Awesome', but what are you going to do? Full disclosure: I did ask the good folks at Simon & Schuster if we could change it and they politely said ... no. I get it! That would be confusing. But it's confusing already because this is not at all a book of awesome things and despite what Amazon says this is not at all "book 4 of 4 in the AWESOME series." Let me set the record straight: This is my book on resilience. How to develop resilience as a skill—as a muscle. The book is 9 longform chapters combining research, memoir, self-talk, and habits like "Add A Dot-Dot-Dot", "Tell Yourself A Different Story", and "Untouchable Days." It's the book I wrote after 'The Happiness Equation' and has a similar 9-step guidebook structure. It's my favourite book I've written and the one I'm proudest of. Buy it on ​Amazon​, ​B&N​, ​Bookshop​, ​Indigo​, or ​Walmart​. (Or if you're buying 25+ copies ​get a bulk discount here​.)

Perfect for: anyone going through personal change or a recent flop or just having a rough go, corporate folks looking for a new shape or direction in their careers, people who read 'The Happiness Equation' and want "the follow up"...

5. ​TWO-MINUTE MORNINGS​ (2017, Chronicle Books)

This is the most popular journal I've ever written and every single page is just 3 simple science-backed prompts:

I will let go of...

I am grateful for...

I will focus on...

I wrote ​this Harvard Business Review article​ about the journal's origin and then HBR made it into ​this YouTube video ​with a hilarious graphic of me where my beard is gigantic and I got into a car accident? LOL.

Anyway, the journal has sold a lot because it works. It's a quick and easy therapeutic morning intervention to prime the brain to look for the positive throughout the day. What's the benefit? A positive mindset results in 31% higher productivity, 37% higher sales, 3x more creativity, 48% closer relationships, stronger marriages, and even a longer lifespan. I say: Move the phone off your bedside table or (better yet) out of the bedroom completely and when you first open your eyes—when you're in that precious liminal state migrating from your subconscious to your conscious—start your day by centering and grounding yourself before jumping into the onslaught. Click here to buy on ​Chronicle​, ​Amazon.ca​, ​Amazon.com​ or your ​local Amazon​. (Or if you're buying 25+ copies ​get a bulk discount here​.)

Perfect for: anyone looking to mentally reset in 2025, people who want to begin a journaling practice but feel too busy, anyone who's always wanted to have a book with one of those ribbony-bookmark things hanging out of it...

Here are a few sample pages:

6. ​THE HAPPINESS EQUATION​ (2016, Penguin)

Leslie told me she was pregnant on the flight home from our honeymoon and I spent the majority of the next nine months writing a 300-page letter to my unborn son on how to live a happy life. Inside are big, practical ideas like be happy first (not after you hit the goal), do it for you (not for them), and ​never retire​ from what you love, plus tools to help with everything from making decisions to managing time and expectations. It’s part love letter, part playbook for building a life that actually feels good on the inside, not just impressive on the outside. Click here to buy on ​Indigo​, ​B&N​ or ​Amazon​. (Or if you're buying 25+ copies ​get a bulk discount here​.)

Perfect for: leaders and aspiring leaders of teams, college students dealing with anxiety or overwhelm, anyone working a corporate job as I was working a very corporate job when I wrote it...

7. ​AWESOME IS EVERYWHERE​ (2015, Penguin)

This is my picture book which is stated for ages 2-5 but really offers anyone a simple three-minute introduction to guided meditation. You start by looking at the earth from outer space and then 'tap' to keep zooming in ... until you're eventually staring at grains of sand, flipping the book over your head to dip under water, and zooming back out of again. I was inspired by my own children's love of books like 'Press Here'. Comes in a big (expensive) vivid picture-book format with a mirror in the back and a (cheaper) board-book format. You can watch the trailer ​here​. Click here to buy on ​Indigo​, ​B&N​ or​ Amazon​. (Or if you're buying 25+ copies ​get a bulk discount here​.)

Perfect for: new babies or grandbabies, elementary school teachers (Leslie wrote ​a teacher's guide!​), anybody looking for a simple introduction to gratitude and guided meditation...

8. ​THE BOOK OF (HOLIDAY) AWESOME​ (2011, Penguin)

Funny story: I'd say one in ten people tell me this is their favorite of my books. It was in print for five years and was on bestseller lists every week in December for each of those five years. But the other 11 months? Moth balls. The publisher said they couldn't keep a book in print that only sells one month a year so they remaindered it. Now this book floats through the universe like some kind of ivory-billed woodpecker. Click here to buy on ​Indigo​ or ​Amazon​.

Perfect for: holiday superfans, hosts and hostesses, families who love reading a page or two aloud together, teachers or coworkers you want to thank with something small but meaningful, and anyone who secretly loves the season…

9. ​THE BOOK OF (EVEN MORE) AWESOME​ (2011, Penguin)

This is the “you finished the first one and wanted another” book. The is the second 400-page pile of everyday delights. Pulling a weed and getting all the roots with it. When your windshield wipers match the beat of the song you're listening to. When the person you're meeting is even later than you are. Get it from your ​local indie​, ​Amazon​, ​B&N​, ​Bookshop​, or ​Indigo​. (Or if you're buying 25+ copies ​get a bulk discount here​.)

Perfect for: people who want a pile of awesome things around, hosts and coworkers impossible to shop for, teens who are “not really readers"...

10. ​THE BOOK OF AWESOME​ (2010, Penguin)

This is my first book: A 400-page collection of hundreds of awesome things. Old, dangerous playground equipment. Fixing electronics by smacking them. Peeling an orange in one shot. All expanded into 1-3 page essays. Backstory: In my late 20s I lost my marriage and best friend in quick succession and started a daily blog to try to focus on the positive over at ​1000 Awesome Things​. This book is basically the blog ... printed out and stapled together. With a bunch of new ones, too. Get it from ​Amazon​, ​Bookshop​, ​Indigo​, ​B&N​ or ​Walmart​. (Or if you're buying 25+ copies ​get a bulk discount here​.)

Perfect for: busy parents who only have a minute here or there, anybody looking to end the day with a daily affirmation before bed, and teachers looking to create their own book of awesome with their students...

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If you'd like other suggestions on gifts check out my ​monthly book club​ (books are the best gift!) or my older ​unconventional gift guide​.

Why we let sports break our hearts

Hey everyone,

The Blue Jays were two outs away from winning their first World Series in 32 years on Saturday night.

I was 14 when the last one happened and I stood there, in the upper deck, now age 46, my face painted blue and white, screaming myself hoarse after every strike, hoping I wouldn't have to wait 32 more...

But it was not to be.

The Dodgers tied it up and despite loading the bases in the bottom of the ninth there was a combined minuscule base running gaffe (​"If IKF ran through!"​), a potentially-inconclusive video replay (​"Was the foot down?"​), a wild ​outfielder-clanging catch at the wall​ and ... a couple innings later it was gone.

I sat in that stadium ... frozen ... for an hour. I was so far away I couldn't hear anything happening on the field but I could see it. In mute. Confetti. Broadcaster scrums. Dodgers' kids running around and doing cartwheels. I've been in a mild depression since. I have been scrolling till the wee hours — watching ​this​ and ​this​ and ​this​ and ​this​ and ​this​ and ​this​ and a hundred others — and felt the echoing waves of all the emotions I felt through my childhood ... that 162-beat strum in the background with Tom and ​Jerry​ every summer.

I even got to the point where I printed out the only-a-couple-week-old on-the-field team photo and supersized it into four slides in Powerpoint and then printed and pasted it up on my kitchen wall.

That's how I want to remember it.

I want to feel the pains and the cracks and the tears and the squeezes but when I look back I hope I remember the good times.

And whether it's baseball or football or hockey or whatever we do it to ourselves, letting sports into our hearts, where we know we could get hurt, where we know we most likely will, and yet we do it again and again and again.

Why? So many reasons. There is a social form of Durkheim's 'collective effervescence' we likely feel—that vital communal glue Barbara Ehrenreich so eloquently wrote about in '​Dancing In The Streets​' (​6/2023​). I felt that. I mean, the mood in Toronto was just unbelievable for a month straight ... kids playing baseball in all the parks ... shouting 'Go Jays!' to everyone, everywhere, on the streets ... the buses and trains all flashing 'Go Jays!' ... the mood in the country ... with our shared joy and our shared pain. (​Cathal Kelly painted a portrait of it well...​)

This was a special team. A uniquely tight team. And we felt part of that tightness. Just ​listen to Ernie Clement in the aftermath​. ("I thought I was done with the tears but ... I just love these guys so much.") Or, if you're still feeling it days later like I am, listen to this "Deep Left Field" podcast with a heart-twisting collection of interviews put together by ​Mike Wilner​—here it is on ​Apple​ or ​Spotify​.

Ten years ago exactly I had finally let my heart open back up to the Blue Jays when, maybe inevitably, it got broken again. At the time I wrote this article for Macleans, our largest national magazine, and I called it ​"Love isn't about expectation: An ode to the 2015 Toronto Blue Jays."​

I still agree with that.

Love is layered, it is nuanced, it is big, it is whole. Baseball blooms when the weather warms and hibernates when it gets cold. And in that shared spirit of love I want to share another baseball essay with you today. 48 years ago 'The Green Fields of The Mind' appeared in the Yale Alumni Magazine and years later it was published in book of essays titled '​A Great and Glorious Game: Baseball Writings of A. Bartlett Giamatti​'.

Another wonderful emotional reflection of the sport ... of sports. If you get bogged down by the play by play in the middle just skip to the end for the emotional close.

Fellow Jays fans let's remember hearts can't break if we haven't fallen deeply in love. What a team, what a year, what a swirl of memories. Love is the masterpiece emotion. It's what we're playing for here.

It's the big one.

Thank you for the shared love for this team.

And thank you for the shared love in this special community.

I'll try very hard not to break your heart and I know you'll try hard not to break mine ... but if that eventually happens for either of us then we'll know the love was real.

Have a great week everyone ... and, yes indeed, go Jays,

Neil

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"The Green Fields of the Mind"

Written by A. Bartlett Giamatti | Source

It breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart. The game begins in the spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall alone. You count on it, rely on it to buffer the passage of time, to keep the memory of sunshine and high skies alive, and then just when the days are all twilight, when you need it most, it stops. Today, October 2, a Sunday of rain and broken branches and leaf-clogged drains and slick streets, it stopped, and summer was gone.

Somehow, the summer seemed to slip by faster this time. Maybe it wasn't this summer, but all the summers that, in this my fortieth summer, slipped by so fast. There comes a time when every summer will have something of autumn about it. Whatever the reason, it seemed to me that I was investing more and more in baseball, making the game do more of the work that keeps time fat and slow and lazy. I was counting on the game's deep patterns, three strikes, three outs, three times three innings, and its deepest impulse, to go out and back, to leave and to return home, to set the order of the day and to organize the daylight. I wrote a few things this last summer, this summer that did not last, nothing grand but some things, and yet that work was just camouflage. The real activity was done with the radio--not the all-seeing, all-falsifying television--and was the playing of the game in the only place it will last, the enclosed green field of the mind. There, in that warm, bright place, what the old poet called Mutability does not so quickly come.

But out here, on Sunday, October 2, where it rains all day, Dame Mutability never loses. She was in the crowd at Fenway yesterday, a gray day full of bluster and contradiction, when the Red Sox came up in the last of the ninth trailing Baltimore 8-5, while the Yankees, rain-delayed against Detroit, only needing to win one or have Boston lose one to win it all, sat in New York washing down cold cuts with beer and watching the Boston game. Boston had won two, the Yankees had lost two, and suddenly it seemed as if the whole season might go to the last day, or beyond, except here was Boston losing 8-5, while New York sat in its family room and put its feet up. Lynn, both ankles hurting now as they had in July, hits a single down the right-field line. The crowd stirs. It is on its feet. Hobson, third baseman, former Bear Bryant quarterback, strong, quiet, over 100 RBIs, goes for three breaking balls and is out. The goddess smiles and encourages her agent, a canny journeyman named Nelson Briles.

Now comes a pinch hitter, Bernie Carbo, onetime Rookie of the Year, erratic, quick, a shade too handsome, so laid-back he is always, in his soul, stretched out in the tall grass, one arm under his head, watching the clouds and laughing; now he looks over some low stuff unworthy of him and then, uncoiling, sends one out, straight on a rising line, over the center-field wall, no cheap Fenway shot, but all of it, the physics as elegant as the arc the ball describes.

New England is on its feet, roaring. The summer will not pass. Roaring, they recall the evening, late and cold, in 1975, the sixth game of the World Series, perhaps the greatest baseball game played in the last fifty years, when Carbo, loose and easy, had uncoiled to tie the game that Fisk would win. It is 8-7, one out, and school will never start, rain will never come, sun will warm the back of your neck forever. Now Bailey, picked up from the National League recently, big arms, heavy gut, experienced, new to the league and the club; he fouls off two and then, checking, tentative, a big man off balance, he pops a soft liner to the first baseman. It is suddenly darker and later, and the announcer doing the game coast to coast, a New Yorker who works for a New York television station, sounds relieved. His little world, well-lit, hot-combed, split-second-timed, had no capacity to absorb this much gritty, grainy, contrary reality.

Cox swings a bat, stretches his long arms, bends his back, the rookie from Pawtucket who broke in two weeks earlier with a record six straight hits, the kid drafted ahead of Fred Lynn, rangy, smooth, cool. The count runs two and two, Briles is cagey, nothing too good, and Cox swings, the ball beginning toward the mound and then, in a jaunty, wayward dance, skipping past Briles, feinting to the right, skimming the last of the grass, finding the dirt, moving now like some small, purposeful marine creature negotiating the green deep, easily avoiding the jagged rock of second base, traveling steady and straight now out into the dark, silent recesses of center field.

The aisles are jammed, the place is on its feet, the wrappers, the programs, the Coke cups and peanut shells, the doctrines of an afternoon; the anxieties, the things that have to be done tomorrow, the regrets about yesterday, the accumulation of a summer: all forgotten, while hope, the anchor, bites and takes hold where a moment before it seemed we would be swept out with the tide. Rice is up. Rice whom Aaron had said was the only one he'd seen with the ability to break his records. Rice the best clutch hitter on the club, with the best slugging percentage in the league. Rice, so quick and strong he once checked his swing halfway through and snapped the bat in two. Rice the Hammer of God sent to scourge the Yankees, the sound was overwhelming, fathers pounded their sons on the back, cars pulled off the road, households froze, New England exulted in its blessedness, and roared its thanks for all good things, for Rice and for a summer stretching halfway through October. Briles threw, Rice swung, and it was over. One pitch, a fly to center, and it stopped. Summer died in New England and like rain sliding off a roof, the crowd slipped out of Fenway, quickly, with only a steady murmur of concern for the drive ahead remaining of the roar. Mutability had turned the seasons and translated hope to memory once again. And, once again, she had used baseball, our best invention to stay change, to bring change on.

That is why it breaks my heart, that game--not because in New York they could win because Boston lost; in that, there is a rough justice, and a reminder to the Yankees of how slight and fragile are the circumstances that exalt one group of human beings over another. It breaks my heart because it was meant to, because it was meant to foster in me again the illusion that there was something abiding, some pattern and some impulse that could come together to make a reality that would resist the corrosion; and because, after it had fostered again that most hungered-for illusion, the game was meant to stop, and betray precisely what it promised.

Of course, there are those who learn after the first few times. They grow out of sports. And there are others who were born with the wisdom to know that nothing lasts. These are the truly tough among us, the ones who can live without illusion, or without even the hope of illusion. I am not that grown-up or up-to-date. I am a simpler creature, tied to more primitive patterns and cycles. I need to think something lasts forever, and it might as well be that state of being that is a game; it might as well be that, in a green field, in the sun.

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46 Things I've (Almost) Learned As I Turn 46

Hey everyone,

Today is my birthday!

As I’ve been doing for a few years now I’m sharing a list of completely unsolicited advice. You can read my three previous birthday lists ​here​, ​here​, and ​here​.

Remember: Lists like these are preachy by nature so just take what you like and ditch the rest!

Here we go:

1. Celebrate publicly. Criticize privately

2. When you drive past someone slow on the highway pretend it’s your parents.

3. Most things that create true happiness don’t advertise: Walking, reading, drawing, singing, stretching, writing, swimming, hiking…

4. The sooner you shovel the lighter the snow.

5. If parenting feels hard, you’re doing it right.

6. Read books for all ages … at all ages.

7. To improve any day: Change into fresh socks and underwear.

8. Positional power is close to top, relationship power is close to people, personal power is close to self.

9. Traveling Tip: Meals at airport > meals on plane.

10. Nobody ever says they would be happier if they read more news.

11. Quick prescription for bad breath, itchy skin, or dandruff: Three glasses of water.

12. Sign of a good book: “Bestseller.” Sign of a great book: “Translated.”

13. Optimism is complimenting the food when you're in the hospital.

14. Practice makes progress.

15. Be grateful when your kids argue, challenge, or disagree. The alternative is worse.

16. To get rid of hiccups: Suck in a huge breath and hold it … then a half breath more … then let it out very slowly.

17. Never go to a kid’s birthday party on an empty stomach.

18. There is more fiction in non-fiction and more non-fiction in fiction.

19. When handling complaints remember LAST: Listen, Apologize, Solve, Thank.

20. Fashion Tip: Dress for the mood you want to be in.

21. Teach your kids personal bests over family bests.

22. Stretching is always a good use of your time.

23. Simple allowance idea: Give your kids their age in dollars once a week and let them split it into Give, Save, and Spend jars. (Match Give and pay interest on Save.)

24. Most extremely successful people have lives you wouldn’t want.

25. For more forest friends: Learn half a dozen bird calls.

26. Calling a busy local shop a minute before it opens is often better than calling a minute after.

27. Best gift for friends who just had a baby: A card and homemade meal on their porch.

28. Aim for one thing a day that makes you sweat.

29. On your first day at work put an X on the calendar 6 months later. On that day ask yourself if you love your job. Look forward to that day. Save the question for then.

30. When choosing a vendor aim for two out of three: Price, Quality, Time.

31. To make the vacation memorable: Do something outside your comfort zone.

32. Learn how to go to bed angry once in a while. It’ll be a lot easier to sort out in the morning.

33. To stay connected with a great friend: Set an annually recurring dinner.

34. Do not fear grief. It lives next to love.

35. Have a weird hobby. (Remember: Your learning rate is the steepest when you know the least.)

36. Stock tip from my grandfather: If you get it wrong you’ll think you’re dumb … but you’re not … and if you get it right you’ll think you’re smart … but you’re not.

37. The less the talking the better the massage.

38. Fitting in is easy. Standing out is hard.

39. When I asked a Buddhist Monk his age: “It's not how old are you. It's when were you born in this life.”

40. Anytime you see your partner in a bathing suit: Whistle.

41. When a generous impulse arises—do it right away.

42. To learn your priorities: Look at your calendar.

43. Peeves make lousy pets.

44. Travel tip: Before sleeping in a hotel lie on both sides of the bed, find the squishy side, then sleep on the other.

45. You’ve done a good job as a parent if your kids all end up different.

46. Nobody will remember you in a hundred years. Act accordingly.

I’m pretty sure I stole all of these but some specific credits: (13) Joan Wright, (22) Ron Lieber, (32) Leslie Richardson, (36) Bob Wright, (43) Seth Godin…

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Read more of my birthday advice:

45 Things I've (Almost) Learned As I Turn 45

44 Things I've (Almost) Learned As I Turn 44

43 Things I've (Almost) Learned As I Turn 43

Sign Up for a Dose of Inspiration:

Every other week, I send an email out with an article I’ve written, or one of my favorite speeches, essays or poems. No ads, no sponsors, no spam, and nothing for sale. Just a dose of inspiration or beauty!

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65 surprising truths from the world’s most consistent blogger

Hey everyone,

I love Seth Godin. He's the GOAT, right? Before I even *had* a podcast he said yes to being on my podcast and let me fly down to Hastings-On-Hudson to ​pester him for a couple hours​. (​Apple​/​Spotify​/​YT​).

​His blog​? Legendary. My friend Agostino introduced it to me in around 2007. And he hasn't missed posting a blog post since and is now up to over ​10,000​ (!?) straight. (​You can sign up right here.​) My friend ​Tim Urban​ said "Seth Godin, to me, is like—if I have a 'wise man on a hill' in my life? Seth Godin is that guy ... anything that happens in the world I wanna hear what Seth thinks about it, what he says about it." Seth's a mensch. A helper.

Recently Seth turned 65 and on that day he dropped 65 bits of wisdom on his blog under a very humble Seth-like title of "Notes to myself." I reached out to Seth and he said I could share the whole thing with you.

(PS. On the topic of birthdays—mine is in two weeks! I am working on some birthday advice now as I've done the ​past​ ​few ​​years.​)

Hope you enjoy,

Neil

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Notes to myself

Written by Seth Godin

1. The system can be changed and normal is not permanent

2. Find the smallest viable audience

3. Pick your customers, pick your future

4. Outdated maps might be worth less than no map at all

5. Reliability is a superpower

6. There are no side effects, merely effects

7. There’s usually an opportunity to be of service

8. Silence is an option, and so is leadership

9. There is no perfect moment to begin

10. Shame is a dream killer

11. Everyone who disagrees with you believes they are correct

12. Ship the ​work​

13. Treat different people differently

14. I am not stuck in traffic, I am traffic

15. Invest in slow growth

16. The problem with the race to the bottom is you might win

17. Uncomfortable facts are often the most helpful ones

18. A good deal is better than a big deal

19. When in doubt look for the fear

20. Avoid arguments, embrace conversations

21. Easy to measure doesn’t make it important

22. Find clarity about who the customer is (and isn’t)

23. Genre is a platform, not a fence

24. Lowering expectations can increase satisfaction

25. Improve project hygiene

26. Ask what the system is for

27. We might not need more time, we simply need to decide

28. Consider the cost of keeping a promise before making it

29. Earn enrollment

30. Helping someone get what they want is easier than changing what they want

31. Not all criticism is equally valid

32. Write down the things you’re sure you’ll never forget

33. Focus on the hard part

34. Quitting one thing is the only way to find the focus to do the next thing

35. Perfectionism is not related to quality

36. Your competitors are actually your allies

37. Surfing is better than golf

38. Criticize ideas, not people

39. Cannibals rarely get a good night’s sleep

40. Status roles are the unseen force in almost every system

41. Embrace necessary discomfort

42. Gratitude is a more useful fuel than anger

43. Create tension and relieve stress

44. Imposter syndrome is real, and it arrives whenever we’re doing important work

45. Solve interesting problems

46. Offer dignity

47. Ignore sunk costs

48. Don’t try to fill an unfillable hole

49. This might not work

50. Consistency is more useful than authenticity

51. People like us do things like this

52. Simple hacks rarely fix long-term problems

53. Trade short-term wins for long-term impact

54. Today’s world is unpredictable, and this is as stable as it will ever be again

55. Generous doesn’t mean free

56. Make assertions

57. Invest in skills that compound with effort

58. Culture conceals systems, and systems construct our future

59. Peeves make lousy pets

60. Reassurance is futile

61. Take responsibility, demand freedom, don’t seek authority

62. Ideas that spread, win

63. Earn trust through action

64. Become the person your future thanks you for and forgive the past for the mistakes it made

65. Attitudes are skills

---

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John Steinbeck on Falling in Love: A 1958 Letter of Advice to His Lovesick Teenage Son

Hey everyone,

I have a little gem about love to share with you today.

Scroll down to read it or hang up here for the backstory!

I think I was assigned '​Of Mice and Men​' by ​John Steinbeck ​(1902-1968) in high school and it was good but didn't really ... hit me. Then something bizarre happened: I met two strangers on the same night (who also didn't know each other!) and both had elements of '​East of Eden​' by Steinbeck ... tattooed on their body!? (I recount the tale in my ​March 2017 book club.​) So I picked up that book and it did hit me — such a big and full and aware feeling of the world and I have recalled its emotional envelope many times since.

More recently, via bringer-of-good-things ​Maria Popova​, I stumbled across a letter that John Steinbeck wrote to his 14-year-old son Thom back in 1958. Thom had written to his dad telling him that he'd fallen desperately in love with Susan at boarding school and this is the note he got back from ol' pops. Pretty remarkable letter! For me, I felt both a higher level calling to the loves in my life and also learned quite a bit about how to write a good letter to my kids!

Hope you enjoy,

Neil

---

//

New York

November 10, 1958

Dear Thom:

We had your letter this morning. I will answer it from my point of view and of course Elaine will from hers.

First — if you are in love — that’s a good thing — that’s about the best thing that can happen to anyone. Don’t let anyone make it small or light to you.

Second — There are several kinds of love. One is a selfish, mean, grasping, egotistical thing which uses love for self-importance. This is the ugly and crippling kind. The other is an outpouring of everything good in you — of kindness and consideration and respect — not only the social respect of manners but the greater respect which is recognition of another person as unique and valuable. The first kind can make you sick and small and weak but the second can release in you strength, and courage and goodness and even wisdom you didn’t know you had.

You say this is not puppy love. If you feel so deeply — of course it isn’t puppy love.

But I don’t think you were asking me what you feel. You know better than anyone. What you wanted me to help you with is what to do about it — and that I can tell you.

Glory in it for one thing and be very glad and grateful for it.

The object of love is the best and most beautiful. Try to live up to it.

If you love someone — there is no possible harm in saying so — only you must remember that some people are very shy and sometimes the saying must take that shyness into consideration.

Girls have a way of knowing or feeling what you feel, but they usually like to hear it also.

It sometimes happens that what you feel is not returned for one reason or another — but that does not make your feeling less valuable and good.

Lastly, I know your feeling because I have it and I’m glad you have it.

We will be glad to meet Susan. She will be very welcome. But Elaine will make all such arrangements because that is her province and she will be very glad to. She knows about love too and maybe she can give you more help than I can.

And don’t worry about losing. If it is right, it happens — The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away.

Love,

Fa

---

Pair this letter with ​this one​ F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote to his daughter.

Or want more wisdom from Steinbeck? Check out this ​blog post ​ I wrote about his novel ​The Log From the Sea of Cortez​.

Or if you'd like more parenting wisdom? Check out my ​3 Books podcast with Ginny Yurich​ (Homeschooling mother of five and founder of 1000 Hours Outside).

20 Things I Would Tell Myself At Age 20

Hey everyone,

A couple of months ago I wrote “ 19 Things I Would Tell Myself At Age 19 ” and I’m back with the follow up. Let me know what you might add!

Neil

PS. Invite others to join us here.

---

20 Things I Would Tell Myself At Age 20

Neil is standing in front of his book shelf in a blue shirt. He is holding a white note card up to the camera, and handwritten in black sharpie marker are the words “20 THINGS I WOULD TELL MYSELF AT AGE 20”

1. Get lost.

2. Try your hair a bunch of different ways.

3. Learn how to swim, cycle, and drive. (In that order.)

4. Join a book club that meets in person.

5. Go to a restaurant where you can’t read the menu.

6. When you have the time you don’t have the money and when you have the money you don’t have the time. Borrow from your future self.

7. Two baseline rules for good sex: Everyone’s glad to be there. Everyone’s free to leave.

8. Spend a few hours in a big empty parking lot early on a Sunday with someone you trust learning how to drive stick.

9. Stay somewhere overnight just you and a backpack.

10. Good helmet, good brain. Cheap helmet, cheap brain. No helmet, no brain.

11. Learn how to change a diaper.

12. Skinny dip.

13. Take a local course on something your grandparents did but you don’t. Car fixing, quilt making, bread baking?

14. Buy sheet music for your favourite song and learn how to play it on a piano.

15. Download free apps Libby for audiobooks, eBird for birdwatching, and Strava for movement.

16. Don’t take something you’ve never taken before doing something you’ve never done.

17. Classes are good gifts and good dates.

18. If you’ve had a business summer job do a fun summer job and if you’ve had a fun summer job do a business summer job.

19. Get two hours of out-of-breath cardio a week.

20. Talk to yourself the way you talk to your best friend.

---

A good list helps make sense of the mess. Reflect on the ​45 Things I've (Almost) Learned As I Turn 45​, get productive with ​10 Things I (Try To) Do Every Day To Get More Done​, and add to your summer reading from ​The Top 1000 Books from the 3 Books podcast.

2000 years of fighting productivity pressures

Hey everyone,

Do you feel like your brain is experiencing a grand quickening? Is the suddenly new ability of everybody being able to type anything into chatGPT and get a perfect picture of it 5 seconds later taking over your group chats too?

I feel you. We got this. As always we can choose our speed. We just have to be more mindful and intentional about it. Walks. ​Phone calls​. Dates. ​Reading​. ​Birding​. Cooking. Buying a magazine. ​Buying a book​.

It was in this spirit that I re-stumbled across a fascinating little history of the human resistance to this grand quickening from 200 BC to today. Maybe this feeling is just ​Lindy​? Or are we experiencing something new?

Take a read and let me know,

Neil

---

Excerpt from 'In Praise of Slowness'

Written by Carl Honoré

"On the other side of the Pacific, from its headquarters in San Francisco, the ​Long Now Foundation​ is adding to the groundswell. Its members warn that we are so busy sprinting to keep up with the daily grind that we seldom lift our gaze beyond the next deadline, the next set of quarterly figures. 'Civilization is revving itself into a pathologically short attention span,' they say. To make us slow down, to open our eyes to the long view and the big picture, the Foundation is building huge, intricate clocks that tick once a year and measure time over ten millennia [​sponsored by Jeff Bezos​ and carved into a mountain he owns]. The first, a beautiful beast of bronze and steel, is already on display at the Science Museum in London, England. A second, much larger clock will eventually be carved into a limestone cliff near Great Basin National Park in eastern Nevada.

Many Long Now supporters work in the technology sector. Danny Hillis, who helped invent supercomputers, is on the board. Among the corporate donors are high-tech giants such as PeopleSoft, Autodesk and Sun Microsystems, Inc. Why are players from the fastest industry on earth backing an organization that promotes slowness? Because they, too, have realized that the cult of speed is out of hand.

Today's pro-Slow organizations belong to a tradition of resistance that started long before the industrial era. Even in the ancient world, our ancestors chafed against the tyranny of timekeeping. In 200 BC, the Roman playwright Plautus penned the following lament:

The Gods confound the man who first found out How to distinguish the hours—confound him, too Who in this place set up a sundial To cut and hack my days so wretchedly Into small pieces!

As mechanical clocks spread across Europe, protest was never far behind. In 1304, Daffyd ap Gwvilyn, a Welsh bard, fumed: 'Confusion to the black-faced clock by the side of the bank that awoke me! May its head, its tongue, its pair of ropes, its wheels moulder: likewise its weights and dullard balls, its orifices, its hammer, its ducks quacking as if anticipating day and its ever restless works.'

As timekeeping wormed its way into every corner of life, satirists poked fun at the European devotion to the clock. In ​Gulliver's Travels ​(1762), the Lilliputians decide that Gulliver consults his watch so often that it must be his god.

As industrialization gathered pace, so, too, did the backlash against clock-worship and the cult of speed. Many denounced the imposition of universal time as a form of slavery. In 1884, Charles Dudley Warner, an American editor and essayist, gave vent to the popular unease, echoing Plautus in the process: 'The chopping up of time intro rigid periods is an invasion of individual freedom and makes no allowances for differences in temperament and feeling.' Others complained that machines were making life too fast, too hectic, less humane. The Romantic movement of artists, writers and musicians that swept across Europe after 1770 was partly a reaction against the modern culture of hustle and bustle, a harking back to a lost idyllic era.

Right through the Industrial Revolution, people sought ways to challenge, restrain or escape the accelerating pace of life. In 1776, the bookbinders of Paris called a strike to limit their working day to fourteen hours. Later, in the new factories, unions campaigned for more time off. The standard refrain was: 'Eight hours for work, eight hours for sleep, eight hours for what we will.' In a gesture that underscored the link between time and power, radical unionists smashed the clocks above the factory gates."

These are just 2 out of 282 pages in the phenomenal '​In Praise of Slowness​' by Carl Honoré.

---

One of the best ways to fight for your right to slowness at work? ​Cut all meeting time in half​.

Just because you slow down doesn't mean you can't ​get things done​.

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19 Things I Would Tell Myself At Age 19

I'm in advice mood these days!

I've been leaving little notes around the house for my kids—quickly scrawled Sharpie phrases on cue cards—to spur debate and conversation. The last two I wrote this week were "A joke is funny. A prank is mean" and "What comes around goes around." It got me thinking: My kids are little. What would I say to *myself*, if I could, at various younger ages?

Hopefully this is the first in a new series that pairs well with my birthday posts (​43​, ​44​, ​45​!).

Feel free to share a bit of advice you'd give your younger self,

Neil

PS. I don't have any ads, Patreons, or Substacks with "upsell" or "paywall" options. It's just always been word of mouth. Invite like-minded souls to ​join us here​.

---

19 Things I Would Tell Myself At Age 19

1. Pull an all-nighter.

2. Befriend a neighbor over 70.

3. Turn off the lights with a friend and listen to 'Kind of Blue.'

4. If you try making good money you usually won't make good stuff but if you try making good stuff you'll usually make good money.

5. Read widely versus narrowly. (Date that way, too.)

6. Learn to put up the Christmas lights.

7. Spend an hour a day outside. For better days, make it two.

8. Email your local politician to argue for a cause.

9. Buy a pair of Nikon Monarchs 8x42s.

10. Get lost in your hometown. If you can't, go to Montréal, Paris, or Tokyo and get lost there.

11. Go see your childhood sports idol play at least once before they retire.

12. Read 'The Fountainhead' by Ayn Rand (694p), 'Siddhartha' by Hermann Hesse (119p), and 'Beyond The Gender Binary' by Alok Vaid-Menon (64p).

13. Learn to make your mom's famous curry.

14. Go on the longest hike, bike, or swim you've ever gone on in your life. (Next year? Do it again.)

15. Before sex: Ask for boundaries and share boundaries.

16. Learn to identify: 5 trees, 5 spices, 5 flowers, 5 accents, 5 birds.

17. Stay open to mind-altering substances but try as late as possible. Best case >27, next >21, next >16.

18. Babysit a niece, nephew, or neighbor. (Bonus points if you change a diaper.)

19. Remember: You have to hit a lot of posts to score a lot of goals.

---

Want some more guidance?

​This is the most surprising advice on success​ I received from a Harvard dean.

And ​Oliver Burkeman​ has ​8 secrets to a (fairly) fulfilled life​.

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On our infinite appetite for distraction...

Hey everyone,

I've been thinking a lot lately about '​Infinite Jest​' by David Foster Wallace and its central idea of us being infinitely pleased by endless entertainment. I also like Father John Misty's (much shorter!) song-version '​Total Entertainment Forever​.' In a similar vein the wise ​Mitchell Kaplan​, award-winning bookseller behind the wonderful Florida indie bookstore chain ​Books & Books​, tipped me off years ago to the book '​Amusing Ourselves To Death​' by ​Neil Postman​ (1931-2003). The title once again telegraphs the idea and I'm sharing Neil's masterfully pithy Foreword below.

May we all continue to observe and intentionally turn off our blaring screens. May we continue to read books. May we find steadiness in friendships that have lasted through the slushy slurry storms of today. May we continue to observe the entertainmentification of information for what it is while also— somehow, some way—balancing contemporary whats-happenings with longer, deeper, richer pursuits.

Please enjoy the short 336-word introduction to Neil Postman's 1985 classic '​Amusing Ourselves To Death​.'

Neil

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Amusing Ourselves To Death: Foreword

Written by Neil Postman

We were keeping our eye on 1984. When the year came and the prophecy didn’t, thoughtful Americans sang softly in praise of themselves. The roots of liberal democracy had held. Wherever else the terror had happened, we, at least, had not been visited by Orwellian nightmares.

But we had forgotten that alongside Orwell’s dark vision, there was another—slightly older, slightly less well known, equally chilling: Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World. Contrary to common belief even among the educated, Huxley and Orwell did not prophesy the same thing. Orwell warns that we will be overcome by an externally imposed oppression. But in Huxley’s vision, no Big Brother is required to deprive people of their autonomy, maturity and history. As he saw it, people will come to love their oppression, to adore the technologies that undo their capacities to think.

What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one. Orwell feared those who would deprive us of information. Huxley feared those who would give us so much that we would be reduced to passivity and egoism. Orwell feared that the truth would be concealed from us. Huxley feared the truth would be drowned in a sea of irrelevance. Orwell feared we would become a captive culture. Huxley feared we would become a trivial culture, preoccupied with some equivalent of the feelies, the orgy porgy, and the centrifugal bumblepuppy. As Huxley remarked in Brave New World Revisited, the civil libertarians and rationalists who are ever on the alert to oppose tyranny "failed to take into account man’s almost infinite appetite for distractions." In 1984, Huxley added, people are controlled by inflicting pain. In Brave New World, they are controlled by inflicting pleasure. In short, Orwell feared that what we hate will ruin us. Huxley feared that what we love will ruin us.

This book is about the possibility that Huxley, not Orwell, was right.

---

Postman hits exactly ​how I feel about the algorithm​.

How are we amusing ourselves to death today? Jonathan Haidt goes deep on the dangers of social media in our ​interview on 3 Books​.

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Forget New Year's resolutions. Do this instead.

Happy New Year!

I hope you had a great 2024 and I'm looking forward to spending time together in 2025.

I know it's January 1st but I admit I'm not much of a New Year's resolution person. They don’t work for me! "Oh, the calendar flipped! Time to start yoga, lose 15 pounds, and stop drinking."

Yeah, right. Too big, too unrealistic! And it's not just me. ​According to the University of Scranton​ only 19% of people actually maintain their New Year’s resolutions and ​US News reports​ that 80% of all resolutions are dropped by February.

So what’s a better way to grow?

Well, it’s not about years. I say it's about months.

And it’s not about massive leaps. To me it's about little improvements. About constantly steering your ship the right direction.

I think a better way to grow is with a monthly dashboard.

What’s a dashboard?

You stare at one every time you start your car. The dashboard flashes signals to make sure your seatbelt is on, your high-beams are off, and you’re going the right speed.

Does the dashboard put your seatbelt on? Hit the brakes for you? No, of course not. You do that. The dashboard just provides real-time feedback to help you course correct along the way.

For the past few years I've written out a monthly dashboard. It’s got four focus areas on 12 things I measure with a green, yellow, or red circle each month. Green means I’m good! Yellow means I’m close. Red means I’m way off.

Part of what’s great about a dashboard is that it allows me to map out all the goals I have bouncing around in my head. ​A study by Gail Matthews​, psychology professor at Dominican University, found that people who write down their goals and dreams on a regular basis are 42% more likely to achieve them. The manifesting effect!

The goal isn't to be perfectly green each month.

It's just to see which areas of my life need focus and then course correct along the way.

And my dashboard isn’t fancy! I write it in marker on a piece of blank paper or in my notebook.

Here’s what my dashboard looked like last month:

The middle is my ikigai. I wrote "Help people live happy lives." An ikigai is your purpose, your high level goal, the reason you get out of bed in the morning. (I talk more about ikigais ​here​ and in Chapter 4 of '​The Happiness Equation​.')

And then outside the ikigai: The top two boxes are what I do. The bottom two are how I do it.

I like the mental image of the bottom boxes actually supporting the top boxes.

So what do I do?

Strong Core

For me the core of my work is writing. So the first two things I measure are publishing one new article (on somewhere like ​CNBC​ or ​HBR​) and writing one chapter of a new book. Writing, writing, writing! And a big way I get ideas into the world is through ​keynote speeches​. That's the 4 speech goal I have each month. Doesn't always happen but last month I was green on all three.

Fastest learning

Next! Learning. What's the fuel for your core? My goals are to stay curious by reading 8 books a month, conducting 2 deep-dive interviews a month, and having 1 new experience a month. I publish my ​Monthly Book Club​ to keep the pressure on the reading. And the interviews? That's why I designed my podcast the way I have—I get to go deep preparing and publishing interviews with people like ​Brené Brown​, ​Jonathan Franzen​, and ​David Sedaris​. And one new experience? Well, that's subjective of course, but it could be anything from putting all my books into the Dewey Decimal system, taking my son to his first Flaming Lips concert, or even just trying a type of cuisine I've never tried. Open ended! And lots of months I miss here. But the goal is to push myself to stay curious and expand.

Best family

This is the box missing from the corporate charts hanging at the office. Your best self starts at home. (I've written about the importance of ​family contracts​ before, too.) For me it means being away from home less than 4 nights a month, having 4 deep airplane-mode Family Days each month, and going on one Family Adventure together. Last month I was traveling a couple weekends which earned me a yellow and red on the dashboard.

Best self

We know how airlines say to put the oxygen mask over your mouth before putting it over your kid's. That would be hard for any parent! But the airlines know something we don’t: we're no good to anyone if we don't take care of ourselves. Best Self means taking care of you. I use an app called ​Trainiac​ to track my workouts, and my goal is to do 4 workouts a week and have 4 longer cardio sessions a week. 16 a month! You can see by all the red circles I didn’t do a great job last month! I hit my workouts (thank you, hotel gyms) but my cardio and Neil's Nights Out (NNOs, discussed in the ​family contract​) took a hit.

So that’s it!

That’s my monthly dashboard.

There are a few things I love about the system.

First, it’s for me, by me. It’s not a hard-and-fast contract. It’s a system of course correction that lets me identify trends and make adjustments to my life. If I miss my cardio three months in a row, it’s time to think: do I need to sign up for hockey? What should I do to get this on track? Or should I just swap this wholesale for something else? Maybe it's time to fold back in meditation, volunteering, or music lessons. But if it’s red just one month, I know it was just a little bump, and I can aim to improve it as I go.

In our fast-paced, frenetic world months are the perfect time where you can roughly scratch out how you’re doing on a dashboard, take a minute to zoom out, and make course corrections along the way.

And as always let's remember:

The goal is not to be perfect here.

It's just to be a little better than before.

Here's to a great 2025!

---

A great way to motivate this kind of monthly action is through ​moonshot goals​.

If you're stuck figuring out what to focus on, think about ​the 3 S's of success​.

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More birthday wisdom from readers...

I started publishing a list of advice on my birthday. I did it when I turned ​43​, ​44​, and last week when I turned ​45​. The post last week went wildly viral with over 400,000 people reading it. And now, most excitingly, I'm seeing so many others writing and sharing their own lists back.

"I'm a Mum of 3 awesome kids and call Sydney, Australia home," Ness Quayle wrote to me last week. "When I was 9, I tragically lost my father. He was 42 years young. A few days ago, I turned 42 and my daughter, Ella, is 9. The significance of these ages has stirred a number of emotions in me for a number of months. What if I were to pass away? What would my kids remember of their Mother or me as a woman?"

I relate to this feeling. Not fear exactly but—the human desire to etch ourselves into the stone a little bit? To feel like carving coherence in the blur of inchoate motion. Ness continues: "Writing this list was cathartic, as I desire to share with my kids my ideas, thoughts, and values. To preserve my voice in some small way, just in case, so they can refer to it at any time throughout their life. I highly recommend everyone giving this a red hot go!"

So do I! And now, without further ado, here are wonderful lists of birthday advice from Ness, Meredith, Christine, Michelle, and Sera.

Neil

P.S. Do you have a list of advice inside you? Please reply and share it with me or, as Ness says, give it a red hot go!

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42 Things I've (Almost) Learned As I Turn 42

Written by Ness Quayle

1. You’re never fully dressed without a smile or eyeliner.

2. Don’t water a garden you don’t want to grow.

3. Marmalade and vegemite on toast. It’s salty, sweet deliciousness.

4. Pay attention to what you pay attention to.

5. “Talk less, smile more” (Hamilton) when dealing with narcissists.

6. Ask for help from your mates and spiritual guides, they’ll always step up.

7. Call over text. It means a lot.

8. Keep going.

9. Prioritising my nervous system response has changed my dating life.

10. Sleepovers with besties are magic.

11. Farting in front of my kids is hilarious.

2. Build muscle. It won’t make you bulky.

13. Laughter, sunlight, and 2 minute dance breaks are medicine for the soul.

14. Take photos and then put away the phone.

15. Always bring food to school pickups.

16. Slowing down each inhale and exhale immediately changes your state.

17. Start with the end in mind but don’t be too attached to the outcome. (It’s who you become on the journey that matters.)

18. Talk to strangers; they’re genuinely very receptive and kind.

19. Inner child work is essential work.

20. Experiences over things. Actions over words.

21. Never leave home without a water bottle.

22. There’s no such thing as one-way liberation.

23. Friends can help heal a heart they didn’t break.

24. Per aspera ad astra…Through adversity to the stars ✨

25. Always commit to a Fancy Dress party. The joy of dressing up is contagious.

26. Record your kids voices, laughter, and opinions. It’s glorious looking back.

27. Afternoon naps and spicy margaritas are heaven-sent.

28. Slowing down gets you there faster, and in better shape.

29. Genuine curiosity is so damn attractive.

30. Cut multiple keys to your front door and remember where you’ve hidden them.

31. Use the line “by the end of this chat, I hope there’s greater understanding between us” before starting a difficult conversation.

32. I firmly identify as Ness. Not Vanessa.

33. Attend live events. A collective, shared human experience is so powerful.

34. Playing handball regularly with my kids has been game-changing for our relationship.

35. Travel solo.

36. If you can’t find time to meditate for 5 minutes, you need 10.

37. Demonstrate to your kids what relaxation and a wholehearted apology looks like.

38. One day, this will all make sense.

39. Watching ​Graham Norton on YouTube​ always improves my mood. 40. You are not your thoughts. You are the observer of your thoughts. 41. Sunrise is the best part of the day.

42. “Keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.” (Max Ehrmann)

---

3o Things I’ve (Almost) Learned As I Turn 30

Written by Sera Ertan

1. Dream bigger than what you think is possible.

2. Have that slice of cake and glass of wine.

3. Always find a reason to celebrate life.

4. If you think you can pull it off, wear it.

5. Explore dating outside of your type.

6. To stretch time and add years to your life, go somewhere you have never been.

7. Let strangers become friends and genuinely listen to their stories, you will be surprised by how much anyone can teach you.

8. Sun and sea might be enough to cure your depression.

9. If you are unhappy, move, you are not a tree.

10. Everything has a solution when you allow yourself to think outside the box.

11. Express your emotions, life is too short not to tell people to fuck off.

12. Stop caring about what others will think about you, nobody is thinking about you.

13. Let your intuition guide you, or you will resent the life you live.

14. Do not overcomplicate life.

15. There is always more to learn, be open to new knowledge and accept the fact that you know very little.

16. Experiment and choose the diet that works best for your body, don’t let vegans (or anyone extreme for that matter), convince you otherwise.

17. Weight all opinions, but make your own decision.

18. Take the risk, and watch life support you.

19. Do more of what brings you peace.

20. Create your own workout regimen and stick to it.

21. Don’t get bogged down by the past and the future, stay in touch with the present moment.

22. Focus only on your very next step.

23. Learn a new skill every year.

24. Remember that you are free to recreate yourself and become a completely new person any moment you want.

25.Be fully yourself around people and let whoever wants to leave leave.

26. Call your mom and dad more often.

27. Where you are is where you are meant to be.

28.You set your own limits.

29. Stay curious and embrace change.

30. Enjoy the ride.

---

60 Life Lessons Learned In 60 Years

Written by Michelle Oram

1. Don’t put a wool sweater in the washing machine if you ever want to wear it again.

2. You can take a 2-week trip with just a carry-on.

3. Drying laundry outdoors saves money, makes your clothes last longer—and they will smell oh so good!

4. Homemade soup is the best comfort food.

5. Don’t postpone happiness. Enjoy today because tomorrow isn’t guaranteed.

6. Avoid depending on other people to make you happy. True happiness comes from within.

7. Find things to love about yourself. If you’re not happy with yourself, you’re not ready for a relationship.

8. Being a mom is hard sometimes, but it’s so worth it.

9. When your kids grow up and leave home, you’ve done your job of raising them to be independent adults.

10. Our family stories matter so we need to share them.

11. True friendships stand the test of time and distance.

12. If there’s something you want to do, just do it. That way you’ll never have to ask, “What if?”

13. The real learning starts after you leave school.

14. There’s always something new to learn, and you’re never too old to learn it.

15. Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t do anything. Tune out the naysayers.

16. Do your homework and form your own opinions.

17. Be satisfied with progress instead of seeking perfection.

18. Choose your own success criteria rather than measuring your success by the standards or actions of others.

19. Don’t buy more house than you need. In fact, don’t buy more of anything than you need.

20. Always set some money aside for emergenceis because rainy days will come.

21. Get into the habit of saving early in life and save as much as you can.

22. Pay off debt as quickly as possible.

23. Health will always be more important than money.

24. Trust your instincts when if comes to your health. If something doesn’t feel right, look into it.

25. How you feel matters more than how you look.

26. You don’t need to be an athlete, or even have athletic ability, to live an active lifestyle. There’s a lesson I wish I’d learned before high school gym class.

27. Exercise gives you energy.

28. Getting outdoors every day boosts your mood and increases creativity. And it makes winter bearable.

29. Material possessions aren’t the key to happiness. You can be happy with very little.

30. Quality over quantity in all things.

31. Take time to appreciate the simple, everyday pleasures.

32. Appreciate what you already own rather than yearning for the next thing.

33. Don’t get sucked into FOMO. There will always be someone with bigger, better, or more things than you have.

34. A handwritten note will make your day…or someone else’s.

35. You don’t really need the latest and greatest of anything.

36. Schedule downtime in your calendar.

37. Your age doesn’t define you.

41. Be grateful for the privilege of growing older.

42. Choosing to age gracefully is liberating.

43. Laughter really is the best medicine.

44. It doesn’t matter what other people think of you.

45. Don’t get sucked into negativity.

46. Kindness costs nothing.

47. Be authentic.

48. Music makes everything better.

49. Strong faith makes life’s troubles easier.

50. You can count on your faith community in difficult times.

51. Volunteer. You’ll get back more than you give.

52. Giving to others feels good.

53. The people you work with and the relationships you form matter as much as the work you do.

54. It’s okay to change direction and choose a different career path.

55. Your career is just one aspect of your life. Keep it in perspective.

56. Fully disconnect during your vacation time. No matter your role, work will survive without you.

57. Retirement is a beginning, not an end.

58. Make time to do things that make you happy.

59. If something matters enough to you, you’ll find time for it.

60. Finally, the years will fly by. I don’t quite believe I’m turning 60 and often wonder where the years have gone. In my head I’m still 18. That’s why it’s important to enjoy every day and not take life for granted.

---

46 Things I’ve (Almost) Learned As I Turn 46

Written by Christine Da Silva

1. My happiness is my responsibility.

2. Take care of your health before it becomes your mental illness.

3. No response is a powerful response.

4. Sometimes things don’t get easier, you just get stronger.

5. Always listen to your intuition, even if it scares you.

6. Teachers don’t know everything. Mine told me spelling was important and that I’d never carry a calculator in my pocket.

7. Expect nothing and you will never be disappointed.

8. Being a mom is only a small part of who I am.

9. Actions need to match effort.

10. Some people come into your life when you need them, they don’t always need to stay.

11. I am, always have been and always will be enough.

12. My deepest wounds did not come from my enemies.

13. You are never too old.

14. It is never too late.

15. Peanut butter cups taste way better frozen.

16. Real queens fix each others’ crowns.

17. When you see something, you like in someone tell them.

18. I don’t have time is a bullshit excuse.

19. A Stop Doing list is just as important as a To Do list.

20. Music is so much better at full blast with the windows down.

21. My alone time is for your safety.

22. I survived all the days I thought I wouldn’t.

23. Pictures will become more important, get in them.

24. Some people don’t deserve an explanation.

25. No one is making it out of here alive.

26. I would rather have your time then your money.

27. “No” is a complete sentence.

28. Just one more page/chapter is the biggest lie I tell myself most often.

29. Your opinion of me is none of my business.

30. The glass isn’t half full or half empty, its refillable.

31. If they want to they will.

32. Always choose happiness over history.

33. I am not my thoughts; I am the watcher of them.

34. Lessons repeat themselves until you learn them.

35. There is always light after darkness.

36. My children have taught me more than anyone else.

37. The universe will whisper to you until she needs to scream to get your attention.

38. The secret to happiness is to always have a vacation booked.

39. My boundaries only bother those who don’t respect me.

40. Theres always 3 sides to every story, your side, their side, and the truth…or the screenshots.

41. Somethings are not worth the jail time.

42. Getting older is better than the alternative.

43. What you allow will continue.

44. I am forever learning.

45. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

46. Eat the damn cake!

---

48 Things I Learned As I Turned 48

Written by Meredith Foxx

1. You’re never fully dressed without lipstick (or for that matter blush).

2. Sleep is underrated.

3. It’s okay to say NO.

4. Teach yourself to stop ruminating.

5. The “wait 24 hours before sending an email” works.

6. No need to photograph everything.

7. You can break a bad habit (i.e. diet coke)

8. Better to be overdressed than underdressed.

9. Know your city officials.

10. Know your neighbors.

11. Don’t be afraid to ask people questions about themselves.

12. Listen to songs that remind you of your past & good times you have had. (Neil Diamond-

High School).

13. It’s okay to be a tourist in a new city- explore.

14. Accept compliments & criticism.

15. Have a actual key to your house.

16. Learn Brevity.

17. Get up and move/walk during a workday (preferably outside).

18. Stop overbuying groceries- wasteful.

19. Try clothes on before you buy them.

20. All couples should have to put a piece of furniture together- you learn a lot.

21. Reading is true joy.

22. Recognizing others for their accomplishments is underrated.

23. Stop using the word “just”.

24. If you don’t like the book- stop reading it.

25. Handwritten thank you notes & sympathy cards are meaningful- take the time.

26. Stop wishing time away.

27. If you don’t want to go- don’t go.

28. If you don’t like the product, throw it out (skin, hair, makeup). It’s a sunk cost.

29. Priorities change-that is okay.

30. Not all stress is bad.

31. Have a will.

32. Just like sending an email-wait 24 hours before purchasing everything in your “online”

cart.

33. Throw away clothes that are worn.

34. Hungry and being temperature hot is a bad combination.

35. Petting your dogs (or pets) always will make you happy.

36. Don’t be afraid of preventative health screenings-get them done.

37. Rewatch your favorite movies as a kid (For me: Sound of Music & The Wizard of Oz)

38. Don’t wait to use stuff- use it.

39. You don’t have to clean your plate.

40. Always pack a toothbrush, toothpaste, tissues, spare undergarments and socks in your

carry on.

41. Keep traditions and make new ones.

42. Learn when to be quiet.

43. Don’t let your low fuel light come on in the car.

44. Get a car wash.

45. Be humble.

46. Be kind.

47. Be patient.

48. Be forgiving

And for 45-48- of others and yourself.

---

Read more of my birthday advice...

​45 Things I've (Almost) Learned As I Turn 45​

​44 Things I've (Almost) Learned As I Turn 44​

​43 Things I've (Almost) Learned As I Turn 43​

...And then write your own and share with me!

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45 Things I've (Almost) Learned As I Turn 45

Hey everyone,

Today is my birthday! And with it comes my usual dose of completely unrequested advice. As always, take what works, ditch what doesn't! And if you'd like to read the first two editions of this series here is my "​43 Things I've (Almost) Learned As I Turn 43​" and "​44 Things I've (Almost) Learned As I Turn 44​."

Let me know which ones you like, didn't like, or any suggestions for next year!

Neil

---

45 Things I've (Almost) Learned As I Turn 45

1. Slice the bagels before you freeze them.

2. Every time you’re talking about someone pretend they’re standing right behind you.

3. If you don’t love the pants at the store you’ll hate them at home.

4. Before you move in together: travel.

5. Motivation does not cause action. Action causes motivation.

6. If you’re talking on the phone and you’re on the toilet—flush later.

7. Airport Rule: Farther the walk cleaner the bathrooms.

8. What costs nothing but is exceedingly rare and valuable? Eye contact.

9. Money does buy happiness if you buy 1 of 3 S’s: Social (going out with friends), Sweat (joining a team), Skill (taking a class).

10. Wait a day before replying to an email that makes you angry. (You can always tell them to go to hell tomorrow.)

11. Never take something you've never taken before doing something you've never done.

12. Best and bestseller are not the same thing.

13. Relationship Tip: Find someone who laughs at your jokes and someone whose jokes you laugh at.

14. Many people wish they had one more kid. Few people wish they had one less kid.

5. “No” is a complete sentence.

16. “I failed med school” is fact, “I failed my parents” is story, “I’m addicted to booze” is fact, “I’ve ruined my life” is story, “I’m going bald” is fact, “I’ll never get married” is story. For better self-talk peel stories off facts.

17. In an era of endless choice the value of curation skyrockets.

18. Before renovating: Mentally double the price and double the time. Then, if you’d still do it, do it.

19. Fat doesn’t make you fat. Sugar makes you fat.

20. When investing with friends assume it's gone.

21. At holiday meals: Let the family member with the youngest child choose the dinner time.

22. Pay attention to what you pay attention to.

23. Public speaking tip: If you want praise, ask the audience. If you want feedback, ask the AV guy.

24. Good line during fights: “The story I’m telling myself is…”

25. Online everyone is beautiful and it’s ugly. Offline everyone is ugly and it’s beautiful.

26. Ladder-climbing tip: “What interests my boss fascinates me.”

27. Social media wants us to spend money we don’t have on things we don’t need to create perceptions that don’t last from people we don’t know.

28. To get more foot massages: Give more foot massages.

29. A team is not a group of people who work together. A team is a group of people who trust each other.

30. Excess in moderation.

31. Go outside when stressed: Trees release chemicals called phytoncides which reduce adrenaline and cortisol.

32. There is no such thing as too much cream cheese.

33. The less you complain the more fun you have. The more you complain the less fun you have.

34. Fashion tip: If you think you can pull it off you can pull it off.

35. The best way to learn is by screwing up.

36. You will stop worrying what other people think about you when you realize how seldom they do.

37. To improve a bad day: Help someone.

38. Put the weights back when you’re done.

39. Firefighter tip: Never rent an apartment above a restaurant.

40. Intrinsic motivation outperforms extrinsic motivation. To see if it’s there ask: “Would I do this for free?”

41. Good gift for a friend in the hospital: A nice bar of soap.

42. Popular often follows cool. Cool rarely follows popular.

43. Never leave home hungry.

44. There is no reward in pessimism.

45. Life is too short not to take a nap when you feel like it.

---

I’m pretty sure I stole all of these but some specific credits: Thomas Murphy (10), André Perold (13), Christine D’Silva (15), Brené Brown (24), Charles E. Wilson (26), Simon Sinek (29), Gary Johnston (35), David Foster Wallace (36), my mother-in-law (41), my grandfather (43), my dad (44). Bad paraphrases all mine, of course.

---

Read more of my birthday advice:

44 Things I've (Almost) Learned As I Turn 44

43 Things I've (Almost) Learned As I Turn 43

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A few short thoughts on death...

Hey everyone,

Leslie’s grandmother Donna died recently. To quote the obituary she was a "dog whisperer, enthusiastic nature lover, savvy Scrabble player, intrepid traveler, Blue Jays fan, organizer of special occasions, chocolate chip cookie-maker, generous gift-giver, reader, and lover of maple syrup, chocolate, butter tarts, and all things sweet."

We had the burial — out in the cold, on a rainy day, over a hole in the ground in St. Catharines, Ontario. Her three living children all spoke and all the grandchildren (and grandchildren-in-law, like me) said a few words and threw a rose onto the urn holding her ashes.

I’ve been thinking a lot about death. I do that! It was the closing riff of my ​TED Talk​ and the basis of my ​TED Listen​. More recently: Is death … ​avoidable​? Or is it, to quote Saul Bellow, more like “the dark backing that a mirror needs if we are to see anything”?

First I’ll share a note I wrote to myself just after Donna died. In that sort of stunning silent phase. Then I’ll share two short poems read by her children (Leslie’s dad and aunt) at the burial. And, finally, let’s close with a quote on death from philosopher Bertrand Russell.

So, first up, my little note on how Donna died…

How Donna Died

Fast. That’s the first word that comes to mind. It happened quick. Like three months. Halloween she’s dressed as a ghost sitting beside me on the porch handing out candy. At 9pm, long after the streets had quieted, she said “I’m off to Jenny’s!” Leslie’s younger sister lived twenty minutes west — the exact opposite direction of her place. “Grandma,” Leslie said. “Don’t you want to head home? I’m sure Jenny would understand.” “Oh, don’t be silly! I’m a night owl!” We got a text the next morning with a picture of her squeezing our tiny niece dressed up as a pumpkin. She lost her license the next week. Hit the gas instead of the brakes in her parking garage. They said she had to get a health check. Health check said she had dementia. “Dementia?”, she scoffed. “Since when have I had dementia?” We never thought she had dementia. She forgot stuff. Who didn’t? Her boyfriend lost his license the next week. Suddenly we were talking carpools to drive grandma to her boyfriend’s place for the weekend. Then came the move. Her place finally sold and the new apartment was right downtown. We could walk from our house. “Scrabble every week,” we agreed. Week later that procedure finally came up that was scheduled months ago. For her bladder. But after the procedure she was in more pain — not less. Then they did another procedure to fix the first one. Then she was really cold for a few days. Then she couldn’t get out of bed. Then she got pale. Then Karen flew up. Then the cousins came. And then she died. Fast.

I miss you, Donna.

Next up, a poem read by Donna’s youngest daughter Karen (Leslie’s aunt) which Donna had cut out and taped to her fridge:

The Peace of Wild Things by Wendell Berry

When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

It stuns me every time. Next up, a poem read by Donna’s son Mark (Leslie’s dad).

Immortality (Do Not Stand By My Grave and Weep) by Clare Harner

Do not stand
By my grave, and weep.
I am not there,
I do not sleep—
I am the thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond glints in snow
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle, autumn rain.
As you awake with morning’s hush,
I am the swift, up-flinging rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight,
I am the day transcending night.
Do not stand
By my grave, and cry—
I am not there,
I did not die.

Not the kind of poem you can really read, or listen to, at someone's burial without crying. But I guess that's part of the point: a kind of philosophical adjustment, versus a physical adjustment, from the dead to the living. Somewhat related to both poems is this quote I found from Bertrand Russell in his essay “​How To Grow Old​.”

“The best way to overcome [the fear of death]—so at least it seems to me—is to make your interests gradually wider and more impersonal, until bit by bit the walls of the ego recede, and your life becomes increasingly merged in the universal life. An individual human existence should be like a river: small at first, narrowly contained within its banks, and rushing passionately past rocks and over waterfalls. Gradually the river grows wider, the banks recede, the waters flow more quietly, and in the end, without any visible break, they become merged in the sea, and painlessly lose their individual being. The person who, in old age, can see life in this way, will not suffer from the fear of death, since the things he or she cares for will continue. And if, with the decay of vitality, weariness increases, the thought of rest will not be unwelcome. I should wish to die while still at work, knowing that others will carry on what I can no longer do and content in the thought that what was possible has been done.”

So that’s it. Like I said: a few short thoughts on death. If you have a poem, reflection, or piece of art/writing that you use to contemplate death, please just reply and let me know.

Thanks,

Neil

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Letter to his 11-year-old daughter in camp by F. Scott Fitzgerald

Hey everyone,

​I give my kids advice​. Some good. Some contradicting. Some are gems from others — polished my way. Many are, I'm sure, horribly wrong. Some definitely worrisome.

I guess that's what we all get from our parents at the end of the day. A role model! A north star! A person doing a lot of stuff ‘I'm trying to learn.’ It was in that spirit I came across this fascinating 90-year-old letter that ​F. Scott Fitzgerald​ ('The Great Gatsby', 'Tender Is The Night') sent his 11-year-old daughter Frances when she was away at camp.

I love the tone of the letter — an almost adult-level of knowing-understanding combined with the conciliatory twang of an elder wanting the best for their dearest. But maybe from an elder who also happens to know that most advice is flimsy? F. Scott Fitzgerald died when Frances, his only child, was just 19. He was 44. (Maybe hitting 44 is what's compelling me to try the same?)

I hope you enjoy this Letter To His 11-Year-Old Daughter in Camp by F. Scott Fitzerald.

Neil

PS. If you're curious about the Shakespeare Sonnet he references, I posted it ​here for you​!

---

F. Scott Fitzgerald to His 11-Year-Old Daughter in Camp

AUGUST 8, 1933
LA PAIX RODGERS' FORGE
TOWSON, MARYLAND

DEAR PIE:

I feel very strongly about you doing duty. Would you give me a little more documentation about your reading in French? I am glad you are happy—but I never believe much in happiness. I never believe in misery either. Those are things you see on the stage or the screen or the printed page, they never really happen to you in life.

All I believe in in life is the rewards for virtue (according to your talents) and the punishments for not fulfilling your duties, which are doubly costly. If there is such a volume in the camp library, will you ask Mrs. Tyson to let you look up a sonnet of Shakespeare's in which the line occurs Lilies that fester smell far worse than weeds....

I think of you, and always pleasantly, but I am going to take the White Cat out and beat his bottom hard, six times for every time you are impertinent. Do you react to that?...

Half-wit, I will conclude. Things to worry about:

Worry about courage
Worry about cleanliness
Worry about efficiency
Worry about horsemanship...
Things not to worry about:
Don't worry about popular opinion
Don't worry about dolls
Don't worry about the past
Don't worry about the future
Don't worry about growing up
Don't worry about anybody getting ahead of you
Don't worry about triumph
Don't worry about failure unless it comes through your own fault
Don't worry about mosquitoes
Don't worry about flies
Don't worry about insects in general
Don't worry about parents
Don't worry about boys
Don't worry about disappointments
Don't worry about pleasures
Don't worry about satisfactions
Things to think about:
What am I really aiming at?
How good am I really in comparison to my contemporaries in regard to:
(a) Scholarship
(b) Do I really understand about people and am I able to get along with them?
(c) Am I trying to make my body a useful instrument or am I neglecting it?

With dearest love,

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7 quotes on the power of reading from Charlie Munger

Hey everyone,
​
Charlie Munger died last Tuesday at age 99. If you don't know him, I recommend this New York Times obituary or (to go deeper) the book Poor Charlie's Almanack which was one of my top books of 2020. I was texting my friend Shane the day his death was announced and he told me had a meeting scheduled with Charlie. That day! They were going to discuss Charlie coming on Shane's podcast. He got a cancellation from Charlie's assistant a few hours before the news. But think about that: At age 99 the man was ... still working. I love that. You know my views on retirement​ which I expand on heavily in The Happiness Equation.​
​
One quote I love which I got from this 2005 "Never Retire" NYT Op-Ed by Bill Safire is: "When you're through changing, you're through." Maybe that's the real pearl of wisdom. Not to keep gunning till you die but to simply always strive to change — to grow — to learn. Curiosity! Staying connected! Being tapped in! I hope when I'm 99 I have a meeting scheduled with some plucky Canadian podcaster 50 years younger than me. Why? Because I know I'll learn something from that. And I hope that after the call I pick up a book.
​
Charlie Munger's wisdom is captured in many places — including this great repository Shane created on his blog — but today I want to just share a few of my favorite quotes about reading. He was a reading evangelist! And I love him for it. Because sometimes, when I'm on, you know, the tenth hour of writing up my monthly book club or twenty hours into prepping to interview somebody about their formative books I stop and think "Wait, does anybody even read anymore? Who's reading books? Why am I focusing all my time and energy on something potentially shrinking when I should really be learning how to use The Tik Tok?"
​
Ah, but then I read quotes like these and remember. Wisdom, learning, growing, changing — really living, that's what I'm after. I think that's something we share. And I know I have found nothing offering more compressed wisdom nor a wider range of experienced emotions than reading books.
​
Thank you, Charlie. Rest in peace. And may we all enjoy a lifetime of reading. A few of my favorite "Charlie on reading" quotes below!
​
Neil

---

​1. “In my whole life, I have known no wise people (over a broad subject matter area) who didn’t read all the time – none, zero.”
​
2. “As long as I have a book in my hand, I don’t feel like I’m wasting time.”
​
3. “We read a lot. I don’t know anyone who’s wise who doesn’t read a lot. But that’s not enough: You have to have a temperament to grab ideas and do sensible things. Most people don’t grab the right ideas or don’t know what to do with them.”
​
4. “Warren (Buffett) and I do more reading and thinking and less doing than most people in business. We do that because we like that kind of a life. But we’ve turned that quirk into a positive outcome for ourselves. We both insist on a lot of time being available almost every day to just sit and think. That is very uncommon in American business. We read and think.”
​
5. "Develop into a lifelong self-learner through voracious reading; cultivate curiosity and strive to become a little wiser every day.”
​
6. "It's been my experience in life if you just keep thinking and reading you don't have to work."
​
7. “If it’s wisdom you are after, you are going to spend a lot of time sitting on your ass and reading.”

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7 books to calm your mind before bed (instead of watching the news!)

Hey everyone,
​
Time for my Black Friday door-crashing special! Just kidding. I'm not doing that. I just want to talk about reading books. Why? Well, do you fall into late-night doomscrolling rabbit holes like I do? Makes sense! Billions of dollars of research have fine-tuned the hijacking machine that pulls us forever deeper into news and social media funnels. Especially when we're tired and unable to mentally pull away. I've started locking my phone in a Kitchen Safe every night -- I bought the Mini version from this website (no affiliation and not an ad!) -- and then head up to read.
​
Here are 7 books to help calm your mind before bed,
​
Neil

---

​Little House in the Big Woods by Laura Ingalls Wilder. Let's start with some children's literature! Hypnotic autobiographical description of growing up in rural Wisconsin in the late 1800s. From shooting panthers to smoking meat in hollow tree trunks to playing catch with pig bladders. There is no plot. There is no crisis. There’s just 238 pages in 18-point font of vivid memories weaved into a captivating tableau that makes you feel like you’re living another life. And one that's far, far away from this one. Masterful escapism and the first book in the famous “Little House” series. Originally written in 1937 and still perfect today.
​
​

​How To Calm Your Mind: Finding Presence and Productivity in Anxious Times by Chris Bailey. Little more head on but a great book Chris wrote post-burnout and post-anxiety attack as a simple guide to calming his / your mind. So how do we calm your mind? Get off phones, get outside, lower dopamine, increase analog -- and Chris leads us there with a great dose of left-brain-scratching research and a, yes, calm tone that makes this a perfect read for right now. Great offering for the overwhelmed.
​
​

​When You Are Engulfed In Flames by David Sedaris. Really anything by David Sedaris could go here. A long time ago my friend Shiv told me she read a Sedaris essay every night before bed. Something sounded off about that. But then I tried it. And she’s right! There’s something so soothing about his slow, peaceful pace. The rhythm feels like hanging with a friend. And the laughs wash away stress, too. Here’s “It’s Catching” by Sedaris in The New Yorker if you want a sample from this collection. I still love Naked and Me Talk Pretty One Day, too.
​
​

​Gilead by Marilynne Robinson. Set in a small Iowa town named (yes) Gilead in the 1950s the book is a letter from a septuagenarian pastor to his first and only child, a young boy, with everything he wishes he’d be around to tell him when he got older. Sound tearjerking already? Just wait. There are layers beyond layers here and yet they’re all baked into a pastry that somehow feels light. I already feel like I need to read it again. Winner of the National Book Critics Circle Award and the Pulitzer Prize.
​
​

​Ikigai: The Japanese Secret to a Long and Happy Life by Héctor García and Francesc Miralles. I wrote a lot about ikigai in The Happiness Equation which is perhaps why Hector Garcia mailed me a copy of this book when it first came out. It has gone on to become a massive international bestseller. And for good reason: The book triangulates and expands elements of Dan Buettner’s famous Blue Zones studies and TED Talk into a well-researched, wide-ranging, well-organized handbook with everything from sharing Okinawan antioxidant-rich food to lessons on practicing qigong. Helps us pull away from the stress of today.
​
​

​The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and The Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman. A wonderful collection of excerpts from the Stoic greats -- Marcus Aurelius, Epictetus, Seneca, and their pals -- with a contemporary expansion from Ryan. Nothing beats getting out of the moment like reading something over 1000 years old. (That's one of my seven ideas for sleeping better.) This is Ryan Holiday's bestselling book for good reason.
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​Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu. James Frey told me he finds solace in the Tao Te Ching -- one of his three most formative books. A lot of little poems or words of wisdom resonated with me from that book so I looked for a copy. What’s the biggest problem finding a “book” written over 2500 years ago? Picking a translation. The used bookstore near my house had about a dozen. I kept opening and looking for one where I could make sense of what I was reading and finally settled on a translation by David Hinton. You can find some good options to pick from here. Wonderful to read a few pages before bed. Sometimes they rattle around my brain, sometimes I feel like I’m lost in a zen koan, and sometimes I feel like I pull something beautiful from them. Here’s a sample: “7. There’s a reason heaven and earth go on enduring forever / their life isn’t their own / so their life goes on forever. / Hence, in putting himself last / the sage puts himself first, / and in giving himself up / he preserves himself. / If you aren’t free of yourself / how will you ever become yourself?”
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We live in overwhelming times! I hope one of these books helps you pull yourself back from the overwhelm. As always, just reply and let me know which ones you resonated with or any others you recommend. Hang in there, everybody.

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How to Tell Yourself a Different Story with Seth Godin

Hey everyone,

A few moons ago I began testing a new short-and-sweet style release on my 3 Books podcast feed. I’m thinking of the entire show as one big book! And, as you know, every full moon I drop a new Chapter. The goal is 333 Chapters total for 1000 formative books all the way up to 2040.

Well, now I’m trying out Pages. A Page is a 333-second (or less) excerpt from a Chapter dropped at 3:33am between Chapters. Bite-sized! Meant to drop a little morsel of wisdom — or a book recommendation or an interesting viewpoint — into your feed. For short commutes, little walks, or just a podcast palette cleanser between longer listens.

Today I’m pasting the transcript of the most popular Page so far: Page 31 from Seth Godin called “How to Tell Yourself a Different Story.” You can download all Pages by subscribing to the show on Apple or Spotify. 100% free and 100% ad-free — as always.

Have a great week,

Neil

 

Page 31: How to Tell Yourself a Different Story with Seth Godin

Page 31 here | Full chat with Seth here

Seth: I think almost all help is self-help. If you were drowning, it's really unlikely that someone will pick you up and take you out of the water. It is way more likely that someone will throw you a life buoy. Or, reach out with a long stick. Or, try to help you swim to shore. But if you don't want to do it, you're probably not going to get saved. And that, what we seek to do when we want to do better, when we want to feel better, or when we want to make a better difference, is help ourselves, is commit to moving forward. And that's all a self-help book does, if it's doing a good job, is open the door for you to fix yourself. The author can't fix you. The diet book can't make you skinny. A book on goal setting can't make you successful. What it can do is open the door.

And so, if you say, 'I don't like self-help books, they're always trying to do this and this and this.' You might be saying, 'Well actually I don't want to help myself get out of this spot I'm in because I'm comfortable being unhappy. I'm comfortable being stuck.' And that the problem with reading a book like this is that it might work. And if it works, then I'll have to change. And if I change, that might be uncomfortable.

My story is that I was unsuccessful and unhappy. I had a narrative in my head that things weren't working and every time something didn't work I would go 'Ah, there it goes again!' But the door was open and I said, you know what, your problem is not the outside world. Your problem is the story you're telling yourself about the outside world, and that story is a choice. And if you're not happy with the story, tell yourself another story. Period. That simple. And most people will hear what I just said and not change anything. Because I'd been telling myself a story that made me unhappy. And if I wasn't happy with that story I should tell myself a different story. The outside world wasn't the problem. I mean I won the birthday lottery. I grew up with great parents, upper-middle class, with privilege, going to a famous college, and I was healthy. So every story I was telling myself was this made-up story that I didn't have to tell myself. I could've told myself a different story. And that choice is at the heart of almost every self-help book. And it's at the heart of what a non-fiction author has the chance to do. Now notice, when you read a book, the voice is your voice -- not true when you listen to an audiobook. Your voice, in your head, saying something that you didn't believe until you read it. And maybe, just maybe, the author can use the tension and the leverage and the moment to create a little bit of magic that gets you to open the door you could've opened all along. All of us could tell ourselves a better story.

Neil: What happened after that? You said everything changed?

Seth: My life completely changed. I stopped whining. I stopped looking for reasons to whine. Shortly thereafter I applied for an on-campus job and became co-founder of the largest student run business in the country. We started a travel agency and a ticket bureau and a concert agency and a coffee shop and a laundry service and a birthday cake service, every week or two we started a new business and -- so many things happened because I chose to tell myself a different story. Shortly after that I met the woman who became my wife, which was a great decision on my part, and so all of those factors happened, not because the outside world got better, but because I chose to tell myself a different story.

Neil: That is so beautiful.

 

Listen to all Pages on Apple or Spotify. Full chat with Seth here.

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The Nature of the Fun by David Foster Wallace

Hey everyone,

'The Nature of the Fun' by David Foster Wallace (DFW) is one of my favorite essays.

It's purportedly about writing fiction—and wrestling through the fears and emotions around the process—but I think it applies to a lot more. Like how to find, and especially re-find, the fun at the heart of whatever challenging thing you're doing. Especially after you've had some success. Beware market winds or they may blow you senseless!

This essay originally appeared in 'Fiction Writer' in 1998 and is available today as part of the absolutely phenomenal DFW essay collection 'Both Flesh and Not' (Library, Goodreads, Amazon). The copyright is held by the David Foster Wallace Literary Trust. (DFW very sadly died by suicide in 2008.) I have bought 'Both Flesh and Not' (Library, Goodreads, Amazon) as a gift for people many times and highly recommend it. This essay is worth owning in print and the title track on Roger Federer is likely the best essay on tennis ever written. Many, many gems in there.

On a personal note I talked about 'The Nature of the Fun' back in Chapter 1 of 3 Books as it was a big part of my inspiration to start the podcast. I reread it often and use it as a helpful artistic centering force.

I hope you like it too,

Neil

 

The Nature of the Fun

Written by David Foster Wallace | (Library, Goodreads, Amazon)
 

The best metaphor I know of for being a fiction writer is in Don DeLillo's Mao II, where he describes a book-in-progress as a kind of hideously damaged infant that follows the writer around, forever crawling after the writer (i.e., dragging itself across the floor of restaurants where the writer's trying to eat, appearing at the foot of the bed first thing in the morning, etc.), hideously defective, hydrocephalic and noseless and flipper-armed and incontinent and retarded and dribbling cerebrospinal fluid out of its mouth as it mewls and blurbles and cries out to the writer, wanting love, wanting the very thing its hideousness guarantees it'll get: the writer's complete attention.

     The damaged-infant trope is perfect because it captures the mix of repulsion and love the fiction writer feels for something he's working on. The fiction always comes out so horrifically defective, so hideous a betrayal of all your hopes for it—a cruel and repellent caricature of the perfection of its conception—yes, understand: grotesque because imperfect. And yet it's yours, the infant is, it's you, and you love it and dandle it and wipe the cerebrospinal fluid off its slack chin with the cuff of the only clean shirt you have left because you haven't done laundry in like three weeks because finally this one chapter or character seems like it's finally trembling on the edge of coming together and working and you're terrified to spend any time on anything other than working on it because if you look away for a second you'll lose it, dooming the whole infant to continued hideousness. And but so you love the damaged infant and pity it and care for it; but also you hate it—hate it—because it's deformed, repellent, because something grotesque has happened to it in the parturition from head to page; hate it because its deformity is your deformity (since if you were a better fiction writer your infant would of course look like one of those babies in catalogue ads for infantwear, perfect and pink and cerebrospinally continent) and its every hideous incontinent breath is a devastating indictment of you, on all levels... and so you want it dead, even as you dote and love and wipe it and dandle it and sometimes even apply CPR when it seems like its own grotesqueness has blocked its breath and it might die altogether.

     The whole thing's all very messed up and sad, but simultaneously it's also tender and moving and noble and cool—it's a genuine relationship, of a sort—and even at the height of its hideousness the damaged infant somehow touches and awakens what you suspect are some of the very best parts of you: maternal parts, dark ones. You love your infant very much. And you want others to love it, too, when the time finally comes for the damaged infant to go out and face the world.

     So you're in a bit of a dicey position: you love the infant and want others to love it, but that means you hope others won't see it correctly. You want to sort of fool people: you want them to see as perfect what you in your heart know is a betrayal of all perfection.

     Or else you don't want to fool these people; what you want is you want them to see and love a lovely, miraculous, perfect, ad-ready infant and to be right, correct, in what they see and feel. You want to be terribly wrong: you want the damaged infant's hideousness to turn out to have been nothing but your own weird delusion or hallucination. But that'd mean you were crazy: you have seen, been stalked by, and recoiled from hideous deformities that in fact (others persuade you) aren't there at all. Meaning you're at least a couple fries short of a Happy Meal, surely. But worse: it'd also mean you see and despise hideousness in a thing you made (and love), in your spawn, in in certain ways you. And this last, best hope—this'd represent something way worse than just very bad parenting; it'd be a terrible kind of self-assault, almost self-torture. But that's still what you most want: to be completely, insanely, suicidally wrong. 

     But it's still all a lot of fun. Don't get me wrong. As to the nature of that fun, I keep remembering this strange little story I heard in Sunday school when I was about the size of a fire hydrant. It takes place in China or Korea or someplace like that. It seems there was this old farmer outside a village in the hill country who worked his farm with only his son and his beloved horse. One day the horse, who was not only beloved but vital to the labor-intensive work on the farm, picked the lock on his corral or whatever and ran off into the hills. All the old farmer's friends came around to exclaim what bad luck this was. The farmer only shrugged and said, "Good luck, bad luck, who knows?" A couple days later the beloved horse returned from the hills in the company of a whole priceless herd of wild horses, and the farmer's friends all come around to congratulate him on what good luck the horse's escape turned out to be. "Good luck, bad luck, who knows?" is all the farmer says in reply, shrugging. The farmer now strikes me as a bit Yiddish-sounding for an old Chinese farmer, but this is how I remember it. But so the farmer and his son set about breaking the wild horses, and one of the horses bucks the son off his back with such wild force that the son breaks his leg. And here come the friends to commiserate with the farmer and curse the bad luck that had ever brought these accursed wild horses onto his farm. The old farmer just shrugs and says, "Good luck, bad luck, who knows?" A few days later the Imperial Sino-Korean Army or something like that comes marching through the village, conscripting every able-bodied male between like ten and sixty for cannon-fodder for some hideously bloody conflict that's apparently brewing, but when they see the son's broken leg, they let him off on some sort of feudal 4-F, and instead of getting shanghaied the son stays on the farm with the old farmer. Good luck? Bad luck?

     This is the sort of parabolic straw you cling to as you struggle with the issue of fun, as a writer. In the beginning, when you first start out trying to write fiction, the whole endeavor's about fun. You don't expect anybody else to read it. You're writing almost wholly to get yourself off. To enable your own fantasies and deviant logics and to escape or transform parts of yourself you don't like. And it works—and it's terrific fun. Then, if you have good luck and people seem to like what you do, and you actually get to get paid for it, and get to see your stuff professionally typeset and bound and blurbed and reviewed and even (once) being read on the AM subway by a pretty girl you don't even know, it seems to make it even more fun. For a while. Then things start to get complicated and confusing, not to mention scary. Now you feel like you're writing for other people, or at least you hope so. You're no longer writing just to get yourself off, which—since any kind of masturbation is lonely and hollow—is probably good. But what replaces the onanistic motive? You've found you very much enjoy having your writing liked by people, and you find you're extremely keen to have people like the new stuff you're doing. The motive of pure personal fun starts to get supplanted by the motive of being liked, of having pretty people you don't know like you and admire you and think you're a good writer. Onanism gives way to attempted seduction, as a motive. Now, attempted seduction is hard work, and its fun is offset by a terrible fear of rejection. Whatever "ego" means, your ego has now gotten into the game. Or maybe "vanity" is a better word. Because you notice that a good deal of your writing has now become basically showing off, trying to get people to think you're good. This is understandable. You have a great deal of yourself on the line, now, writing—your vanity is at stake. You discover a tricky thing about fiction writing: a certain amount of vanity is necessary to be able to do it at all, but any vanity above that certain amount is lethal. At this point 90+ percent of the stuff you're writing is motivated and informed by an overwhelming need to be liked. This results in shitty fiction. And the shitty work must get fed to the wastebasket, less because of any sort of artistic integrity than simply because shitty work will make you disliked. At this point in the evolution of writerly fun, the very thing that's always motivated you to write is now also what's motivating you to feed your writing to the wastebasket. This is a paradox and a kind of double bind, and it can keep you stuck inside yourself for months or even years, during which you wail and gnash and rue your bad luck and wonder bitterly where all the fun of the thing could have gone.

     The smart thing to say, I think, is that the way out of this bind is to work your way somehow back to your original motivation: fun. And, if you can find your way back to the fun, you will find that the hideously unfortunate double bind of the late vain period turns out really to have been good luck for you. Because the fun you work back to has been transfigured by the unpleasantness of vanity and fear, an unpleasantness you're now so anxious to avoid that the fun you rediscover is a way fuller and more large-hearted kind of fun. It has something to do with Work as Play. Or with the discovery that disciplined fun is more fun than impulsive or hedonistic fun. Or with figuring out that not all paradoxes have to be paralyzing. Under fun's new administration, writing fiction becomes a way to go deep inside yourself and illuminate precisely the stuff you don't want to see or let anyone else see, and this stuff usually turns out (paradoxically) to be precisely the stuff all writers and readers share and respond to, feel. Fiction becomes a weird way to countenance yourself and to tell the truth instead of being a way to escape yourself or present yourself in a way you figure you will be maximally likable. This process is complicated and confusing and scary, and also hard work, but it turns out to be the best fun there is.

     The fact that you can now sustain the fun of writing only by confronting the very same unfun parts of yourself you'd first used writing to avoid or disguise is another paradox, but this one isn't any kind of bind at all. What it is is a gift, a kind of miracle, and compared to it the reward of strangers' affection is as dust, lint. 

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