A few thoughts on gratitude...
Hey everyone,
Happy morning after the U.S. election.
I'm writing this before knowing who won and feeling slightly worried about the state of things.
But, you know, that's also where gratitude comes in. I've been writing about gratitude since I began my list of 1000 Awesome Things way back in 2008. I don't think I knew it so obviously then. Maybe it will help to start with a definition. I like what Robert Emmons (b. 1958), University of California gratitude researcher and author of 'The Little Book of Gratitude,' says:
Living gratefully begins with affirming the good and recognizing its sources. It is the understanding that life owes me nothing and all the good I have is a gift...
I like that! Let's start there. "All the good I have is a gift." If we start there then we pretty quickly can start feeling grateful ... for everything else. I'm lucky to be writing this. You're lucky to be reading it. We're lucky underground wires and flying satellites are letting us have this conversation. Lucky our eyeballs work! Lucky they can convert pixel streaks into thoughts! Never mind how lucky we both are to even have the time to chat like this.
Emmons calls gratitude "fertilizer of the mind" which helps to "spread connections and improve function in nearly every realm of experience." He said six years ago in 2018 in a "Science of Gratitude" paper that "Research suggests that gratitude inspires people to be more generous, kind, and helpful (or “prosocial”); strengthens relationships, including romantic relationships; and may improve the climate in workplaces." And even earlier than that, in 2013, on Daily Good he said that "grateful people are more resilient to stress, whether minor everyday hassles or major personal upheavals." This all makes sense! When we're focused on the positive the negative doesn't make as much of a mental clang.
Of course, my own attempts at gratitude are much smaller. Pithier! I started writing one "awesome thing" a day on June 20, 2008 and I ... never stopped. Over 150,000 people still read my new daily awesome thing (you can sign up here) and a few recent ones include "Getting late to hockey but making it on the ice in time," "When someone compliments your glasses," and "The smell of warm clothes when you open the dryer."
I'm a court jester next to the wise, sagacious Mary Oliver (1935-2019), though. I have posted poems of hers before like "Don't Hesitate" and "The Sun" and while writing this I came across "Messenger" which is a new fave:
My work is loving the world.
Here the sunflowers, there the hummingbird—
equal seekers of sweetness.
Here the quickening yeast; there the blue plums.
Here the clam deep in the speckled sand.Are my boots old? Is my coat torn?
Am I no longer young, and still half-perfect? Let me
keep my mind on what matters,
which is my work,which is mostly standing still and learning to be
astonished.
The phoebe, the delphinium.
The sheep in the pasture, and the pasture.
Which is mostly rejoicing, since all the ingredients are here,which is gratitude, to be given a mind and a heart
and these body-clothes,
a mouth with which to give shouts of joy
to the moth and the wren, to the sleepy dug-up clam,
telling them all, over and over, how it is
that we live forever.
To close off I dug up a book called, fittingly, 'Gratitude' by Oliver Sachs (1933-2015), the British neurologist and naturalist perhaps most famous for writing the book that became the movie Awakenings.
I like this quote:
There will be no one like us when we are gone, but then there is no one like anyone else, ever. When people die, they cannot be replaced. They leave holes that cannot be filled, for it is the fate—the genetic and neural fate—of every human being to be a unique individual, to find his own path, to live his own life, to die his own death. I cannot pretend I am without fear. But my predominant feeling is one of gratitude. I have loved and been loved; I have been given much and I have given something in return; I have read and traveled and thought and written. I have had an intercourse with the world, the special intercourse of writers and readers. Above all, I have been a sentient being, a thinking animal, on this beautiful planet, and that in itself has been an enormous privilege and adventure.
I love that. "An intercourse with the world." Maybe that's what gratitude is ... just having that (uh) daily world intercourse. Where you see the bugs and the flowers and the birds and the trees and the smiles and the sunsets and, well, all of it, as a wondrous gift.
Can we live in that mindset all the time? No! Of course not. But that's why we have these conversations—these re-visitings—to just help keep steering ourselves slowly back to awe.
We are very grateful to be here. I am grateful for your love and energy along the way.
Thanks, as always, for being here. And you can invite others into our community here.
Neil
42 Things Ness Has (Almost) Learned As She Turns 42
I started publishing a list of advice on my birthday. I did it when I turned 43, 44, and last week when I turned 45. The post last week went wildly viral with over 400,000 people reading it. And now, most excitingly, I'm seeing others writing and sharing their own lists back.
"I'm a Mum of 3 awesome kids and call Sydney, Australia home," Ness Quayle wrote to me last week. "When I was 9, I tragically lost my father. He was 42 years young. A few days ago, I turned 42 and my daughter, Ella, is 9. The significance of these ages has stirred a number of emotions in me for a number of months. What if I were to pass away? What would my kids remember of their Mother or me as a woman?"
I relate to this feeling. Not fear exactly but—the human desire to etch ourselves into the stone a little bit? To feel like carving coherence in the blur of inchoate motion. Ness continues: "Writing this list was cathartic, as I desire to share with my kids my ideas, thoughts, and values. To preserve my voice in some small way, just in case, so they can refer to it at any time throughout their life. I highly recommend everyone giving this a red hot go!"
So do I! And now, without further ado, here is Ness Quayle's wonderful list of birthday advice.
Neil
P.S. Do you have a list of advice inside you? Please reply and share it with me or, as Ness says, give it a red hot go!
42 Things I've (Almost) Learned As I Turn 42
Written by Ness Quayle
1. You’re never fully dressed without a smile or eyeliner.
2. Don’t water a garden you don’t want to grow.
3. Marmalade and vegemite on toast. It’s salty, sweet deliciousness.
4. Pay attention to what you pay attention to.
5. “Talk less, smile more” (Hamilton) when dealing with narcissists.
6. Ask for help from your mates and spiritual guides, they’ll always step up.
7. Call over text. It means a lot.
8. Keep going.
9. Prioritising my nervous system response has changed my dating life.
10. Sleepovers with besties are magic.
11. Farting in front of my kids is hilarious.
2. Build muscle. It won’t make you bulky.
13. Laughter, sunlight, and 2 minute dance breaks are medicine for the soul.
14. Take photos and then put away the phone.
15. Always bring food to school pickups.
16. Slowing down each inhale and exhale immediately changes your state.
17. Start with the end in mind but don’t be too attached to the outcome. (It’s who you become on the journey that matters.)
18. Talk to strangers; they’re genuinely very receptive and kind.
19. Inner child work is essential work.
20. Experiences over things. Actions over words.
21. Never leave home without a water bottle.
22. There’s no such thing as one-way liberation.
23. Friends can help heal a heart they didn’t break.
24. Per aspera ad astra…Through adversity to the stars ✨
25. Always commit to a Fancy Dress party. The joy of dressing up is contagious.
26. Record your kids voices, laughter, and opinions. It’s glorious looking back.
27. Afternoon naps and spicy margaritas are heaven-sent.
28. Slowing down gets you there faster, and in better shape.
29. Genuine curiosity is so damn attractive.
30. Cut multiple keys to your front door and remember where you’ve hidden them.
31. Use the line “by the end of this chat, I hope there’s greater understanding between us” before starting a difficult conversation.
32. I firmly identify as Ness. Not Vanessa.
33. Attend live events. A collective, shared human experience is so powerful.
34. Playing handball regularly with my kids has been game-changing for our relationship.
35. Travel solo.
36. If you can’t find time to meditate for 5 minutes, you need 10.
37. Demonstrate to your kids what relaxation and a wholehearted apology looks like.
38. One day, this will all make sense.
39. Watching Graham Norton on YouTube always improves my mood. 40. You are not your thoughts. You are the observer of your thoughts. 41. Sunrise is the best part of the day.
42. “Keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.” (Max Ehrmann)
Read more of my birthday advice...
45 Things I've (Almost) Learned As I Turn 45
44 Things I've (Almost) Learned As I Turn 44
43 Things I've (Almost) Learned As I Turn 43
...And then write your own and share with me!
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45 Things I've (Almost) Learned As I Turn 45
Hey everyone,
Today is my birthday! And with it comes my usual dose of completely unrequested advice. As always, take what works, ditch what doesn't! And if you'd like to read the first two editions of this series here is my "43 Things I've (Almost) Learned As I Turn 43" and "44 Things I've (Almost) Learned As I Turn 44."
Let me know which ones you like, didn't like, or any suggestions for next year!
Neil
45 Things I've (Almost) Learned As I Turn 45
1. Slice the bagels before you freeze them.
2. Every time you’re talking about someone pretend they’re standing right behind you.
3. If you don’t love the pants at the store you’ll hate them at home.
4. Before you move in together: travel.
5. Motivation does not cause action. Action causes motivation.
6. If you’re talking on the phone and you’re on the toilet—flush later.
7. Airport Rule: Farther the walk cleaner the bathrooms.
8. What costs nothing but is exceedingly rare and valuable? Eye contact.
9. Money does buy happiness if you buy 1 of 3 S’s: Social (going out with friends), Sweat (joining a team), Skill (taking a class).
10. Wait a day before replying to an email that makes you angry. (You can always tell them to go to hell tomorrow.)
11. Never take something you've never taken before doing something you've never done.
12. Best and bestseller are not the same thing.
13. Relationship Tip: Find someone who laughs at your jokes and someone whose jokes you laugh at.
14. Many people wish they had one more kid. Few people wish they had one less kid.
5. “No” is a complete sentence.
16. “I failed med school” is fact, “I failed my parents” is story, “I’m addicted to booze” is fact, “I’ve ruined my life” is story, “I’m going bald” is fact, “I’ll never get married” is story. For better self-talk peel stories off facts.
17. In an era of endless choice the value of curation skyrockets.
18. Before renovating: Mentally double the price and double the time. Then, if you’d still do it, do it.
19. Fat doesn’t make you fat. Sugar makes you fat.
20. When investing with friends assume it's gone.
21. At holiday meals: Let the family member with the youngest child choose the dinner time.
22. Pay attention to what you pay attention to.
23. Public speaking tip: If you want praise, ask the audience. If you want feedback, ask the AV guy.
24. Good line during fights: “The story I’m telling myself is…”
25. Online everyone is beautiful and it’s ugly. Offline everyone is ugly and it’s beautiful.
26. Ladder-climbing tip: “What interests my boss fascinates me.”
27. Social media wants us to spend money we don’t have on things we don’t need to create perceptions that don’t last from people we don’t know.
28. To get more foot massages: Give more foot massages.
29. A team is not a group of people who work together. A team is a group of people who trust each other.
30. Excess in moderation.
31. Go outside when stressed: Trees release chemicals called phytoncides which reduce adrenaline and cortisol.
32. There is no such thing as too much cream cheese.
33. The less you complain the more fun you have. The more you complain the less fun you have.
34. Fashion tip: If you think you can pull it off you can pull it off.
35. The best way to learn is by screwing up.
36. You will stop worrying what other people think about you when you realize how seldom they do.
37. To improve a bad day: Help someone.
38. Put the weights back when you’re done.
39. Firefighter tip: Never rent an apartment above a restaurant.
40. Intrinsic motivation outperforms extrinsic motivation. To see if it’s there ask: “Would I do this for free?”
41. Good gift for a friend in the hospital: A nice bar of soap.
42. Popular often follows cool. Cool rarely follows popular.
43. Never leave home hungry.
44. There is no reward in pessimism.
45. Life is too short not to take a nap when you feel like it.
I’m pretty sure I stole all of these but some specific credits: Thomas Murphy (10), André Perold (13), Christine D’Silva (15), Brené Brown (24), Charles E. Wilson (26), Simon Sinek (29), Gary Johnston (35), David Foster Wallace (36), my mother-in-law (41), my grandfather (43), my dad (44). Bad paraphrases all mine, of course.
Read more of my birthday advice:
44 Things I've (Almost) Learned As I Turn 44
43 Things I've (Almost) Learned As I Turn 43
Sign Up for a Dose of Inspiration:
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A Happiness Tune-Up: My New Interview With Forbes
Hey everyone,
Happy end of August!
The first day of school is next Tuesday up in Toronto and with it comes the usual squeaky brakes and sharp turns as we try to get back into a rhythm and flow. To that end: I was just interviewed by Forbes magazine about some of my happiness practices and beliefs. I thought I'd share it with you below as a way to examine or refresh some thoughts as we get into the September groove.
Of course, the goal with everything I share is not to be perfect—I'm certainly not!—but just a little better than before. Think of these as little mental adjustments to help us live slightly more happier lives, Neil
P.S. If you know someone who'd like to get my bi-weekly blog posts they can sign up here.
Happiness Really Is Within Your Reach
Interview by Rodger Dean Duncan
Rodger Dean Duncan: In our stress-filled world, what factors seem to take the biggest tolls on people’s happiness?
Neil Pasricha: A lot of things! I'll mention two: loneliness and cell phones—especially social media. And I do feel they're related. On cell phones: We have to remember they're still fairly new for us culturally, and yet University of Bologna professors published a report in 'Sloan Management Review' showing that anxiety spikes when students don’t have their cellphones for even a single day. Another study found when cellphone users couldn’t answer their phones while those phones were ringing, they experienced increased heart rate, blood pressure, and anxiety. So we crave our phones! And what are we doing on them? Well, a tremendous amount of time on social media. Even though adolescents who spend more time on phones are more likely to report mental health issues. Social media feels like connection—and yet it gives us the feeling of comparison, of not being good enough, of forever robbing us of joy. I think we need to raise the age of social media from 13 to 16 and ban cell phones from classrooms, and I've been working with my local school board in Toronto (one of the largest boards in the world) to help turn these into policy. Perhaps it's no wonder we're seeing such a spike in loneliness, which is worse for our health than smoking 15 cigarettes a day. In 2023 Dr. Vivek Murthy put out a Surgeon General's Warning about loneliness calling it the next big epidemic. I feel the solution to much of these issues is the same: carving out more in-person time with those we love. Connection with friends and family is the number one driver of long-term happiness.
Duncan: A lot of people these days seem to regard themselves as victims. What advice would you give them?
Pasricha: My mom was born in British Colonial Kenya in 1950 to an East Indian family that moved from Lahore to help build the railroad. She wasn't born the "right" person for her location or her culture. What do I mean? Well, she wasn't white, and she wasn't male. White people ran the country, and men were prized in her family's culture. My mom has told me that her life had a fatalist feeling of finality before she'd even gotten started. There was no sense of possibility, no options other than getting married and serving her husband's family. There was no … dot-dot-dot. Just a full stop. We all have this fatalist feeling of closure in our lives sometimes, which can sometimes lead to seeing ourselves as a victim. The question becomes: what do you do when you see the future you're walking towards but you don't like it? Sometimes the hardest thing is to keep going, to see past the period, to add a dot-dot-dot. Just keep moving. Take it day by day. Stay in the game. Keep going. Add a "yet" to any sentence you find yourself mentally beginning with "I don't", "I can't", or "I'm not" so you're saying things to yourself like "I don't qualify for that job… yet", "I'm not creative… yet", "I'm not social… yet." I think overcoming victimhood means seeing the free will that exists just past the period.
Duncan: You hold the view that life is 10% what happens and 90% how we react to it. If that’s true (and research seems to support it), a lot of people apparently didn’t get the memo. What’s the key to taking personal responsibility for our own happiness?
Pasricha: That comes from the research of Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky. She wrote a wonderful book called 'The How of Happiness' and posits a model which says 50% of your happiness is based on your genetics, 10% of your happiness is based on your circumstances, and 40% of your happiness is based on your intentional activities. Your genetics are of course part of how you react, but it's that 40% of intentional activities that can make a big difference. The first step to taking personal responsibility for our own happiness is just realizing that what you do in the world is four times more important than what’s happening to you in the world. What can you insert into that 40%? So many research-proven, happiness-inducing activities: Exercise! Journaling! Nature walks! Reading fiction! Phoning a friend! Dancing! You are so much more powerful than you think.
Duncan: How does an attitude of gratitude seem to affect a person’s ability to deal with adversity?
Pasricha: Gratitude has a big impact on our ability to deal with adversity. Back in 2003, researchers Robert Emmons and Michael McCullough asked groups of students to write down five gratitudes, five hassles, or five events that happened over the past week for 10 straight weeks. What happened? The students who wrote five gratitudes were happier and physically healthier than the other two test groups. Physically healthier! And they didn't even go to the gym. By far and away the single best happiness and resilience practice for me has been writing down 1 awesome thing—a small pleasure, a tiny joy—every single night since 2008. For the first four years I posted them on 1000 Awesome Things and now I send them out at midnight every night. I recommend this practice to anyone. I always say that if you can be happy with simple things then it will be simple to be happy.
Duncan: What does research say about the relationship between personal happiness and lifespan?
Pasricha: Connection, personal happiness, and lifespan are directly related. Robert Waldinger, Director of the 1938 Harvard Adult Development Study, the longest study ever on happiness, says: "… it’s not career achievement, money, exercise, or a healthy diet. The most consistent finding we’ve learned through 85 years of study is: Positive relationships keep us happier, healthier, and help us live longer. Period." And the US Surgeon General's Warning on loneliness cites research showing that "data across 148 studies…suggest that social connection increases the odds of survival by 50%." Make more friends, be happier, live longer. I'm not saying it's easy to do, especially in a world with algorithms incentivized to keep us fuming at each other, but it is the way. If it feels hard, start small: join a bridge club, a softball team, or a local cycling group that welcomes beginners.
Duncan: You say external goals don’t help people become better people, only internal goals can. Please explain.
Pasricha: There are two types of motivation: intrinsic and extrinsic. Intrinsic is internal—you’re doing it because you want to. Extrinsic is external—you’re doing it because you get something for it. Studies like a 1999 meta analysis from Deci, Koestner, and Ryan show that when we begin to value the rewards we get for doing a task, we lose our inherent interest in doing the task. The interest we have becomes lost in our minds, hidden away from our own brains, as the shiny external reward sits front and center and becomes the new object of our desire. But when you’re doing something for your own reasons, you do more, go further, and perform better. You have to keep measuring yourself against your internal scorecard. I've written a longform piece describing this effect in more detail here, too.
Duncan: What effect does people’s use of social media seem to have on their happiness?
Pasricha: I knew we'd come back to this! Social media causes four problems. And they all start with P. The first is psychological: it encourages us to compare the director's cut of our lives to everyone else's greatest hits. The second is physical: strained thumbs, spines, and eyes. Looking down at our phones adds sixty pounds of pressure to our spines! The third is physiological: our sleep is disrupted by looking at bright screens within an hour of bedtime—our brains literally produce less melatonin, the sleep hormone, overnight. And the fourth is productivity: 31% of our days are now spent bookmarking, prioritizing, and context switching instead of doing what we actually want or need to do. Every one of these alone would decrease happiness, but most of us are getting a dose of all four every day.
Duncan: You write about ikigai (pronounced like “icky guy”), the Japanese word that roughly means “the reason you wake up in the morning.” What effect does a person’s ikigai (sense of purpose) have on his/her happiness?
Pasricha: Ikigai is your purpose, the thing that drives you the most, your reason for getting it of bed in the morning. We just talked about intrinsic motivation, and ikigai fits into that perfectly. Your ikigai will help you be more creative, produce higher quality work and, as Toshimasa Sone and his colleagues at the Tohoku University Graduate School of Medicine showed in a 2008 study, be happier and live longer. Sone's team studied the longevity of more than 43,000 Japanese adults over seven years and asked every participant, “Do you have an ikigai in your life?" People reporting an ikigai at the beginning of the study were more likely to be married, educated, and employed. They had higher levels of self-rated health and lower levels of stress. At the end of the seven-year study, 95% of the folks with an ikigai were alive. Only 83% of those without an ikigai made it that long. I change my ikigai a lot but I always keep it written on a little cue card beside my bed. For some time it may be something lofty like "helping people live happy lives.” Sometimes I'll get tactical: "Give time, love, and energy to my sick 5-year-old.” Sometimes … I'll forget! As always, the goal is not to be perfect—just better than before.
Duncan: Retirement, you say, is a broken concept. Please explain, and tell us what you’ve observed in “senior citizens” who are genuinely happy.
Pasricha: Our modern concept of retirement is relatively new! Retirement was invented by Chancellor Otto Von Bismarck in Germany at the end of the nineteenth century and age 65 was a number created arbitrarily when the average lifespan was 67. The UK, US, and Canada all copied this number but meanwhile we've tacked 20+ years to our lifespans. I think retirement is a Western invention from days gone by that’s based on broken assumptions that we want—and can afford—to do nothing. We view retirement as a reward for years of hard work but in reality it creates loneliness and health risks. I say people don't actually want to do nothing—they want, and need, the 4 S's instead: Social (a place to see and connect with friends), Structure (having a reason to get out of bed in the morning), Stimulation (always learning something new), and Story (being part of something bigger than yourself.) You mentioned seniors! Well, according to the Okinawa Centenarian Study, people in Okinawa live an average of seven years longer than Americans and have one of the longest disability-free life expectancies in the world. You know what they call retirement in Okinawan? They don't! Literally nothing in their language describes the concept of stopping work completely. Instead they have the word we talked about before—ikigai—and so we see the happiest and healthiest seniors are those still doing something they're passionate about.
Duncan: For many people, busyness has become a habit that—if not managed well—can lead to burnout and other debilitating conditions. What’s your advice?
Pasricha: The world is endlessly dinging and pinging us and most of us have alerts, notifications, and alarms going off on our phones all day. I have a lot to say on busyness in 'The Happiness Equation'—including my Time versus Importance matrix which is meant to help force the decisions we're making into four buckets: things we can Automate, Regulate, Effectuate, and then, finally, Debate. But one concept that's not in that book, and which I've started putting into practice in my own life to help, is this idea of Untouchable Days. These are days when I am literally 100% unreachable in any way…by anyone. My productivity is about 10 times higher on these days. I know on the surface this idea sounds completely impractical and I mostly get scoffing and head shakes when I start talking about it. But, I also get more emails from people successfully using this concept across a vast array of ages and careers. If it sounds too hard, there’s nothing wrong with starting with an Untouchable Lunch. Leave your phone at your desk and get outside for an hour where nobody can reach you.
Duncan: What question do you wish I had asked, but didn’t … and how would you respond?
Pasricha: You've had great questions! One question I tend to get asked about is this idea of "How can I read more books?" I'm always talking about how reading books is a great driver of happiness but, of course, everyone says they don't have time. So I'll close with a few tips to get more reading in:
1. Find a book recommender you trust. It could be a bookseller at your local indie bookstore or just getting monthly book recommendations from me or others who send out great reading lists like Ryan Holiday or Roxane Gay.
2. Read on something that can't get texts. Too many people are reading on bright screens (which, as we discussed, hurt our ability to sleep) and which also endlessly interrupt our focus.
3. Unfollow all news feeds. Unsubscribe from all newspapers, too. You'll surprise yourself and still know what's going on but you'll dedicate more time for books.
4. Put your bookshelf by your front door. And move the TV to the basement!
5. Turn your phone black and white to make it less appealing. Remember cell phones are designed like slot machines. Go out of your way to turn it off, keep it in airplane mode, and yes, leave it in black and white.
6. Quit books you don’t like unapologetically! Don't let a book you don't like get in the way of the next one you're going to love.
And finally, 7. Practice the Japanese art of tsundoku—which means leaving books lying everywhere in your house. Create a culture of reading just by leaving books throughout your home.
There you go! A few tips to read more books which is one of many practices we discussed to nudge us into a little more happier lives. Thank you so much for the questions.
Read the full two-part article on Forbes here and here.
Download the PDF here.
Learn more about the history of retirement and why you should never retire!
Want an even bigger happiness boost? Here are 7 science-backed ways to be happy right now.
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A two-minute evening practice to move nighttime angst into gratitude and peaceful sleep
By Neil Pasricha and Leslie Richardson
“Happiness is a choice.”
Hear that saying before? Betting you have. We all have! It’s almost cliché. And yes, while research shows that a good deal of our happiness really is a choice, the saying gives us a “what” without a “how.”
We both grew up sometimes feeling anxious and overwhelmed and have come to need and rely on “hows.” Ending up in the happiness industry—Neil publishing ten books and Leslie teaching strategies to let go of the hard and grow the good in schools and families—was a surprise. We think it’s because everyone inevitably falls back into negative spirals, and perhaps it’s sharing these simple—dead simple, ruthlessly simple—systems that helps get us back on track.
So what do we do at night when our night time angst bubbles up, that dangerous mind that rears its ugly head after the dust of the day has settled, the sun has set and our resilience is low? We take two minutes individually, as a couple or together with our kids to share a rose, a second rose, a thorn and a bud. This scroll back through the day helps us inch closer to that fabled happiness North Star. It gets gratitude pumping through our blood, allows us to release the hard and surrender into peaceful sleep.
So what is Rose, Rose, Thorn, Bud?
A Rose is a gratitude, highlight, or tiny positive from the day. Getting to the meeting late but the boss getting there even later. The fact that he wrote me back. The half hour of silence I got when both kids were napping.
The second Rose is just that: another small win, tiny pleasure, or highlight from the day. How cold the shower was at the end of my run. When our song came on right after I picked you up from work. The feeling of her sleeping on my chest.
Science has proven roses to be good for us! In 2003, the foundational study “Counting Blessings Versus Burdens” from Robert Emmons and Michael McCullough showed that students who wrote down “gratitudes”—versus test groups who wrote down “hassles” or “events”—weren’t just happier but also physically healthier after a ten-week period. Pretty big deal!
Then it’s time for a Thorn: something that didn’t go well, a moment of suffering, or the hardest part of your day. WE need space to vent, process, and be heard to help us move through the emotion. Still not hearing back from the doctor. Texting something snarky to my sister. Falling into a social media hole.
Thorns are also proven to be good for us! A 2006 meta-analysis by Joanne Frattaroli, published in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, shows that writing about emotional experiences, including negative ones, improves well-being and reduces stress. Think of sharing thorns as helping to crystalize and eject what’s prickling us inside. And one last thing: A 2001 paper by Stephen Lepore, published in the Journal of Behavioral Medicine, helpfully adds that if you’re coping with anything traumatic—and a lot of us are, let’s be honest—sharing negative emotions helps healing.
And then, finally, a Bud: something you’re looking forward to. Tonight, this weekend, even fifty years from now! Making a stack of pancakes on a Saturday. When my dad’s surgery finally gets scheduled. Renting a villa in Morocco when I turn a hundred years old.
A 2005 paper from Sonja Lyubormirsky, Kennon Sheldon, and David Schkade called “pursuing Happiness,” published in Review of General Psychology, shows that setting and anticipating future goals and events makes you happier. Buds are good for us too!
This dead simple practice is like wiping a wet shammy over the blackboard of your mind. Do it at the dinner table, with Grandma over the phone, or with your partner before bed. Use it as a simple positive pressure to connect, share, and reflect. Nothing motivates like feeling the magic of connection and compassion.
Yes, happiness is a choice. But it’s how we get there that matters. With higher-than-ever rates of societal anxiety, depression, and loneliness, these little practices can really stick, because we really do them, because they're really simple.
This practice helps us continue to inch towards happiness.
We hope it does the same for you.
You can easily incorporate Rose, Rose, Thorn, Bud into your daily life using our new journal, 'Two Minute Evenings.' Get your copy right here!
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A powerful 2-minute midday happiness intervention...
Want the secret to happiness?
Having friends.
That's it.
That's the big thing.
That's the biggest thing of all, really.
Robert Waldinger, Director of the 1938 Harvard Adult Development Study, the longest study ever on happiness, says: "... it’s not career achievement, money, exercise, or a healthy diet. The most consistent finding we’ve learned through 85 years of study is: Positive relationships keep us happier, healthier, and help us live longer. Period."
Sonja Lyubomirsky, University of California Professor and author of 'The How Of Happiness,' says: "Perhaps most critical to improving and maintaining happiness is the ability to connect with other people and to create meaningful connecting moments and even chemistry..."
Daniel Gilbert, Harvard Professor and author of 'Stumbling on Happiness,' says: “We are happy when we have family, we are happy when we have friends and almost all the other things we think make us happy are actually just ways of getting more family and friends.”
And yet: we are reporting fewer friends and fewer best friends than ever before.
Friendship is the number one driver to happiness! But we have less of it in our lives than we used to. Why? Online too much? Not connecting IRL? Upwardly mobility and geographically separating?
I sat down with Vivek Murthy a couple years ago — between Surgeon General stints — and he talked about our emerging epidemic of loneliness. Loneliness is a huge deal! It's worse for our health than smoking 15 cigarettes a day. In 2023 Vivek Murthy put out a Surgeon General's warning about the epidemic of loneliness and isolation.
So what's an easy 2-minute happiness intervention we can all do in the middle of our days?
Phone A Friend.
That's it.
Phone A Friend.
Just pick up the phone and phone a friend. What if they don't answer? Doesn't matter. A 2-minute voicemail or voicenote over text works just fine.
And who do you call?
Anybody from your 150!
Oxford Emeritus Professor Robin Dunbar, famous for coining Dunbar's Number, shared that we have a certain cognitive limit on friendship. Our brains support about 150 total friends, period, which he defines as "the sort of people you would like to spend time with if you have the chance, and would be willing to make the effort to do so." Friendship is two-way. We may be replacing a lot of previously two-way time with newer one-way digital relationships but we are happier when we feel more connected.
And 150 might feel familiar! It is also the average size of a wedding, the average number of people who see your Christmas card, and the average size of human villages for thousands of years.
So I'm suggesting your phone somebody in your 150. Ask yourself: Who would come to my wedding if I got married today? Who do I have, or would I have, on my holiday card mailing list?
Now what do you say?
I suggest three things:
State - State the value of the relationship. Tell them you mean something to them! "I was thinking about that time back in college....", "I loved seeing you over the holidays... ", "I just saw our mutual friend..."
Share - Share something going on with you. Something you're thinking about, wrestling with, struggling with. Vulnerability breeds connection! Share something going on in your life. We all have things we feel on top of and things we feel lost in. Share one of each!
Seek - Seek something. Ask a question! Give them something to respond to — a reason to reply with a note of their own. You could go small! "What are you up to this weekend? You could go big! "How do you think about developing your relationship with your in-laws?"
The truth is over the course of our lives we will all spend more and more time alone:
We have the Surgeon General telling us we have an epidemic of loneliness. Yet we know the number one driver of long-term happiness is friendship.
So what's the 2-minute intervention for a happier day?
It's simple.
Phone A Friend.
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The 3 S’s of Success
“How can I be successful?”
It’s a question many of us ask ourselves and have trouble answering. Because what is success, anyway? Is it writing a book and selling a million copies? Is it winning awards and gaining respect from your peers? Or is just feeling satisfied with your work?
We’re often told that success is in the eye of the beholder — that we need to define it for ourselves, on terms that are meaningful to us.
I believe that’s true but that advice doesn’t tell us how to do it. Try as we might, many of our achievements wind up fitting a mold that suits somebody else — employers, parents, societal expectations — at least as much as, if not more than, it suits us personally. And we still find ourselves left unsatisfied or unhappy, wishing we had something more or something else, no matter how ‘successful’ we’ve been.
I think one of the reasons why is because there roughly are three types of success. I call them the 3 S’s. The trick is to first decide that you can’t have all three of them at once and that you therefore must figure out which one you’re really aiming at.
Here’s how I draw the 3 S’s of success on a triangle:
1. Sales success is about getting people to buy something you’ve created. Your book is a commercial hit! Everybody’s reading it, everybody’s talking about it, you’re on TV. You sell hundreds and then thousands and then millions of copies. Dump trucks beep while backing into your driveway before pouring out endless shiny coins as royalty payments. Sales success is about money. How much did you sell?
2. Social success means you’re widely recognized among your peers and people you respect. Critical success. Industry renown! To extend the book example, let’s say the New York Times reviews your latest novel and some writers you respect send you letters saying they thought the book was great (whether or not it’s a commercial hit).
3. Self success is in your head. It’s invisible. Only you know if you have it, because it corresponds to internal measures you’ve established on your own. Self success means you’ve achieved what you wanted to achieve. For yourself. You’re proud and satisfied with your work.
These three categories are broad and approximate but I think that’s why they’re useful: Chances are good that any major achievement you reach will fall more clearly into one than another. They apply to pretty much all industries, professions, and aspects of life.
The point is that success is not one-dimensional.
In order to be truly happy with your successes, you first need to decide what kind of success you want.
Are you in marketing? Sales success means your product flew off the shelves and your numbers blew away forecasts. Social success means you were written up in prestigious magazines, nominated for an award, or shouted out by the CEO at the all-hands meeting. Self success? That’s the same: How do you feel about your accomplishments?
Are you a teacher? Sales success means you’re offered promotions based on your work in the classroom because the bosses want to magnify and implement your work more widely. You’re asked to become a Vice Principal or Principal. Social success means educators invite you to present at conferences, mentor new teachers, and the superintendent recognizes you for your work. Self success? Again: How do you feel about your accomplishments?
There is a catch, though.
I believe it’s impossible to experience all three successes at once.
Picture the triangle above like one of those wobbly exercise planks at an old-school gym. If you push down on two sides, the third side lifts into the air. In our lives and work, it’s rare that any given thing we do — any single success we achieve, no matter how great — can satisfy ourselves and others in equal measure. Aspiring to that, if you ask me, is a mistake.
Sales success, for instance, can block self success. That’s what happened to me as a writer when I got hooked on bestseller lists, blog stats, and brand extensions. Personal goals took a backseat to more tangible commercial ones. I started making things because I was asked to and not because I wanted to. Sure, the saying goes “make hay while the sun shines,” and I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with chasing commercial success, but I’m pointing out that if that’s your north star it can distract or block you from chasing deeply personal goals.
Look at it the other way.
Personal goals don’t necessarily have a marketable strategy so no sales or social success may follow. I’m talking about making that triple-decker chocolate birthday cake you bake for your daughter, the incredible twelfth grade chemistry lesson you put your heart into for weeks, the backyard deck you built with your bare hands. You wouldn’t expect royalty payments or critical reviews from those endeavors. You’re not trying to sell cakes, lesson plans, or decks. You could! But that wasn’t your goal.
And, finally, let’s peek at this from a final view. Critical darlings often sell poorly. You see this almost every year at the Oscars. Spotlight wins Best Picture — tense, dramatic, wonderful acting. How much did it gross at the domestic box office? $45 million. That same year Furious 7 made $353 million.
Which would you have rather made?
There is Sales, Social, and Self success.
Spend time thinking about which one you want and then go.
Good luck!
This Two-Minute Morning Practice Will Make Your Day Better
In the early 2010s, I wrote a self-help book that catapulted me into a strange universe. I went from working an office job in the suburbs to walking onto TV show sets where I was often introduced as “Captain Awesome” or “The Happy Guy!”
I was thrust into becoming a spokesperson for positivity, happiness, and intentional living.
But there was just one problem.
My life was a mess.
I originally wrote the book as a series of blog posts to cope with the pain of my marriage falling apart and the heartbreak of losing my best friend to suicide. I moved to a bachelor apartment downtown and lived alone for the first time in my life. I began experiencing deep loneliness, chronic sleeplessness, and endless anxiety.
My solution to these deep emotional issues was to become a workaholic.
I would work in the suburbs all day, pick up a burrito on my way downtown, and then set it on my desk while working until one or two in the morning before falling asleep exhausted and then waking up exhausted when my alarm buzzed the next morning at 6:00 a.m.
I started taking pills to help me fall asleep and pills to help me wake up. I lost 40 pounds due to stress. I had headaches and chest flutters and stomach bubbles all day. Black bags slowly expanded like puddles under my eyes. When coworkers began asking if I was getting enough sleep, I bought and started applying face makeup.
I didn’t have time to sleep more and I didn’t have time to be asked about it.
I knew I was spinning.
After reading the book Willpower by Roy Baumeister and John Tierney, I became convinced my issue was decision fatigue. My to-do list was a mile high! So in an act of desperation, I began writing down a couple things I would focus on each day on a blank 4×6 index card. “I will focus on…” helped me carve some ‘will dos’ out of the endless ‘could dos’ and ‘should dos.’
The practice began providing ballast to my days because it blew away the endless fog of ‘what should I do next?’ and helped break giant projects down into simple tasks. A looming book deadline became ‘write 500 words’, an all-hands meeting about a major redesign became ‘send invite to three execs for feedback,’ and my nonexistent exercise regime became ‘go for a 10-minute walk at lunch.’
I will focus on…
I started buying index cards in packs of 100 at the dollar store and felt a sense of pride whenever I finished another pack.
The practice was wonderful for reducing decision fatigue, but I was still much too focused on the negative throughout the rest of my life. Over the next few years, I came across research that convinced me it wasn’t my fault.
What do I mean?
It turns out our brains contain an almond-sized amygdala that secretes fight-or-flight hormones all day. A few hundred thousand years of evolutionary programming makes us want to stare at bad news, sad news, and controversial news — endlessly. This naturally ingrained tendency is why we rubberneck on the highway, scan for one-star reviews, and immediately find the one question we got wrong on the math test. Our amygdalas are fantastic at looking for problems, finding problems, and solving problems, but they’re also ripe for exploitation. News media and social media sites have perfected that perfect sour-sweet-sour combo that grabs the greatest amount of our attention possible.
MSNBC’s goal isn’t to give you the news — it’s to sell you Subarus. Instagram’s goal isn’t to make you new friends — it’s to sell you a juice cleanse.
I decided it wasn’t my fault I was negative. It was the world’s fault!
But, fortunately unfortunately, I live in the world.
So what did I do? A study comparing people who wrote down gratitudes to people who wrote down hassles or events taught me that if I write down things I’m grateful for every week over a 10-week period, I’ll not only be happier, but physically healthier.
Each day, I added this to the back of my index card:
I am grateful for…
Do you do bicep curls? Hamstring curls? I started thinking of gratitudes as brain curls. The key is that they really need to be specific. Writing down things like “my apartment, my mom, and my job” over and over doesn’t do anything. I had to write down things like, “the way the sunset looks over the purple hostel across the street,” or “when my mom dropped off leftover chicken biryani,” or “having egg salad sandwiches in the cafeteria today with Agostino.”
I was proud of my new morning index card habit, but I still found myself holding too much stress. Then I came across a study in Science magazine called “Don’t Look Back in Anger!” showing that minimizing regrets as we age increases contentment. In other words, the act of sharing what’s worrying you actually helps extricate it.
So I added one final line to my daily index card:
I will let go of…
I will let go of…the rude email I sent last night at 11 p.m. I will let go of…showing up late to the meeting with the boss. I will let go of …comparing myself to Tim Ferriss.
The difference this simple practice made in my life has been incredible.
Because the truth is we’re only awake for around 1000 minutes a day on average. If we can invest just two of them to prime our brains for positivity, then we’ll be helping ensure the other 998 minutes of our days are happier.
Over time, I switched the order around, turned it into a formal journal, and now leave it on my night table. When I wake up, it’s the first thing I see, and the fact that it’s so short helps me feel like I’m setting up my day for success before I even begin.
Am I completely cured? Am I always happy now? No! Of course not. But this two-minute, research-based morning practice has massively improved the quality of my days.
I will let go of…
I am grateful for…
I will focus on…
I hope you give it a try.
And I hope it does the same for you.
I originally wrote a slightly different version of this article for Harvard Business Review.
The 5 Greatest Regrets of the Dying and How to Avoid Them
How overwhelming is your life right now?
I'm guessing you're in the washing machine with the rest of us.
When I'm spinning in the heavy duty cycle I find myself reaching out to touchstones that have helped ground and center myself again and again. Like what? Like revisiting 7 science-backed ways to be happy right now, 7 ways to calm my mind and sleep better or and, yes, the 5 greatest regrets of the dying.
Bronnie Ware is an Australian palliative nurse who spent years taking care of the dying in the last three months of their lives.
“When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently,” she says, “common themes surfaced again and again.”
She eventually put together the five most common regrets from people moments away from their last breath and posted it on her blog. It went viral, and the story was picked up by The Guardian and The Daily Mail, among others.
So what were the greatest regrets she heard from patient after patient? Didn’t make enough money? Didn’t work enough hours? Not enough vacations? Not enough homes? No. Not even close. The 5 Greatest Regrets of the Dying are:
I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me
I wish I hadn't worked so hard
I wish I had the courage to express my feelings
I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends
I wish that I had let myself be happier
Every time I read this list I am stunned into silence for a minute. I think how many of these regrets I would have if I died today. I look at how I'm spending my time today, this week, this month and see if there are things I can adjust to make sure I'm focusing on the right things. There always are so the list serves as inspiration.
I also always feel like this entire list relates to authenticity. That's ultimately how you avoid these regrets. It’s all about being you and being cool with it. Being honest with yourself and honest with others. I would argue if you’re being yourself, if you're being authentic, then:
You do live a life true to yourself
You do overvalue your time and find a job that fits your life
You do recognize and express your feelings
You do keep in touch with your friends
You do let yourself be happier
Being you removes regrets from your life.
Authenticity removes regrets from your life.
So use the 5 greatest regrets of the dying to briefly escape your washing machine mind. Forget about whatever your cell phone's yelling at you, forget about your overwhelming to-do list, and take a minute to stop and listen to the crowdsourced sum of thousands of people on the edge of existence shouting desperately back to you with what's really important.
3 steps to developing a happier mindset
While researching resilience for You Are Awesome I found that in order to become more resilient, you need to cultivate a positive mindset first. Why? Because the stronger we are mentally, the better we are able to bend -- not break -- when challenges come.
A positive mindset is like Optimism Insurance. It helps soften every blow you get from a nasty email, friend letting you down, or bad news story flying across the headlines.
So how do we develop a happier mindset?
Let me answer in three steps:
Step 1: Flip your happiness model
Our parents lied! They said they wanted us to be happy but then also encouraged us to go to a good school, find a good job, and work hard for a promotion. Sure, everyone’s parents are different but I would argue that most of us hear some version of this model told to us as children:
GREAT WORK → BIG SUCCESS → BE HAPPY
You know, study really hard, get good grades, go be a doctor! (Are my Indian roots showing?) Or simply work really hard, get a promotion, then be happy!
The first step to cultivating a positive mindset is flipping this model.
Based on research I share below, how does developing a happier mindset really work?
BE HAPPY → GREAT WORK → BIG SUCCESS
Yes, it’s the opposite! A phenomenal paper called The Benefits of Frequent Positive Affect: Does Happiness Lead To Success? shows that if you're happy first... then you do great work, because you're happier doing it! You're 31% more productive, have 37% higher sales, and are three times more creative, amongst a host of other benefits.
So Step 1 is realizing that cultivating a positive mindset needs to happen first … and not as the result of work or success.
Step 2: Commit to a “20 for 20” happiness challenge
So we know we have to be happy first. But… how? Does anyone just wake up in a good mood every day? I don’t! Most people don’t. We have to work at it. It's like yoga. A practice. The goal isn’t to be perfect … the goal is to be better than before.
Luckily there are dozens of positive psychology studies that give specific, tactical practices that we can use to cultivate this mindset.
I often challenge people to commit to a “20 for 20” challenge which means you take one of these practices below and commit to doing it for 20 minutes a day for 20 days in a row. By then you have created a new happiness practice that will be harder to stop.
What are some of the practices? I’ve listed five of my favorites below together with one study on each. Remember: These all take 20 minutes or less a day. And it’s a multiple choice question. You don’t have to do them all! Just pick one.
Journaling about the highlights of your day
In a University of Texas study called “How Do I Love Thee? Let Me Count the Words,” researchers Richard Slatcher and James Pennebaker had one member of a couple write about their relationship for twenty minutes three times a day. Compared to the test group, the couple was more likely to engage in intimate dialogue afterward, and the relationship was more likely to last. What should you write down? Simply a laundry list of the highlights of your day. If you aren't the pen and paper type then try the free email journaling service Ahhlife.com.
Take a nature walk (or another exercise you like)
The American Psychosomatic Society published a study showing how Michael Babyak and a team of researchers found three thirty-minute brisk walks or jogs can improve recovery from clinical depression. Yes, clinical depression. Results were stronger than those from studies using medication or studies using exercise and medication combined. Can you commit to going for a jog 20 days in a row or going for a walk in the woods? If you can get into nature the phytoncides released from trees can reduce adrenaline and cortisol (a stress hormone) in your body. (More on this from the paper "Effect of forest bathing trips on human immune function")
Reading 20 pages of fiction
A 2011 study published in the Annual Review of Psychology showed that reading triggers our mirror neurons and opens up the parts of our brain responsible for developing empathy, compassion and understanding. What does EQ help with? Becoming a better leader, teacher, parent and sibling. (Sidenote: This big a-ha on reading is one of the reasons I launched my podcast 3 Books … where I interview folks like David Sedaris, Judy Blume, and Malcolm Gladwell about which 3 books changed their life. Trying to help find that always elusive next great book to read.)
Playing “Rose Rose Thorn Bud” around the dinner table
My family and I play a game called Rose Rose Thorn Bud almost every night. Essentially, we take turns sharing two roses (what we’re grateful for), a thorn (what didn’t go well that day), and a bud (something we’re looking forward to). I wrote a longer article on Rose Rose Thorn Bud here and made a video on it here, too.
Singing
A study published in Evolution & Human Behavior found that choral singing calms the heart, boosts endorphin levels, improves lung function, expands pain thresholds, and decreases reliance on pain medication. Choral singing was even found to elicit feelings of inclusion, connectivity and positivity, and fosters social closeness in a group. Can you join a church choir or develop a sing-a-long playlist to jam with your kids during school dropoff or pickup?
Step 3: Swap negative inputs for positive inputs
Our brains crave bad news.
We have 200,000 years of evolution programmed into our brains that have perfected the art of looking for problems, finding problems, and solving problems. It's why we rubberneck on the highway, it's why if it bleeds it leads, it's why, in the words of author and media critic Ryan Holiday, "MSNBC's real goal is to glue you to a television screen and sell you Subarus." We get addicted to that hit as our amygdala constantly scans the world for problems. No wonder sometimes that's all we see!
So what's Step 3 to developing a happier mindset?
Swap negative inputs for positive inputs. Cancel your newspaper subscriptions, unfollow all news sites on social media, swipe left on your iPhone and scroll down to disable the News Widget that automatically pops up. (Here's a WikiHow article on disabling iPhone News with more detail.). What's the goal? Swap superficial knowledge of "many bad things every single day" for deeper knowledge on the things that matter to you most. How? Through reading books. And, signing up for emails that actually serve and honor your attention instead of mining it for ads. (Here are 10 I personally read and recommend.)
Don't worry. After you ditch the news you'll still know what's going on. It's impossible to avoid all the TV screens blaring in the corner of every elevator, dentist office, or airport lounge. You may know less about what's going on but you'll be consciously trading that in for deeper knowledge, greater wisdom, and, yes, a happier mindset.
What are the three steps to developing a happier mindset?
Step 1: Flip your happiness model
Step 2: Commit to a "20 for 20" happiness challenge
Step 3: Swap negative inputs for positive inputs
Do you think you can do it?
I know you can do it.
Start right now.
And good luck!
Rose, Rose, Thorn, Bud: The simple gratitude game my wife and I play before bed
THIS JUST IN! Leslie and I made a journal based on this viral article! Check it out here!
Guess what?
If you can be happy with simple things then it will be simple to be happy.
Back in 2003, researchers Robert Emmons and Michael McCullough asked groups of students to write down five gratitudes, five hassles or five events that happened over the past week for 10 straight weeks. What happened? The students who wrote five gratitudes were happier and physically healthier than the other two test groups.
I’ve given speeches sharing this research for a while but I was always left with a nagging question. What if you simply don’t have the willpower to write down five gratitudes? I hope you do. I hope I do! But what if you don’t? I mean, when was honestly the last time you did that?
Well, today I want to share a little game my wife Leslie and I play at the end of the night just before we turn off the lights that completely solves this problem.
It’s called Rose, Rose, Thorn, Bud.
Rose
What was a highlight from the day? Leslie shares something she’s grateful for. A highlight. First thing that pops to mind! “When our son ran up to see me after preschool,” “the half hour of silence I got when both kids were napping,” “I found construction paper in the basement for a craft before dinner.” Can you tell she’s a busy mom? And then after she says a rose, I say one back to her from my day. “My new book is starting to get Goodreads reviews,” “I bumped into Marcel at the coffee shop,” or “I listened to a great episode of The Knowledge Project.” “Getting to write for smart and attractive readers through my blog and email list.” You get the idea.
Rose
Then what? We do it a second time. Another rose from her, another rose from me. For those doing the math at home that’s four gratitudes generally in less than a minute here. Remember: the research shows you only need five a week. What’s next?
Thorn
What didn’t go well today? Nobody is endlessly positive. It’s important to be heard. It’s important to be listened to. “Our son was sad and crying at dropoff,” “I had a stressful phone call with a relative,” “I didn’t get as much done as I wanted.” This is a chance to show empathy and compassion while letting your partner get something off their chest. Very important!
And then we close with a ...
Bud
A bud is something you’re looking forward to … tomorrow, next week, or 20 years down the road. “Brunch with my sister on Saturday,” “when that new Chipotle finally opens” or “the moment next summer when we’re able to canoe into perfectly silent water during sunrise.” The last thought is a little dream of something to come.
What does Rose, Rose, Thorn, Bud do in practice?
Well, as long as the Thorn doesn’t become a 45-minute argument about who didn’t do the dishes, it’s a perfect two-minute exercise to grab four gratitudes right before bed. Also works great at the dinner table or during the commute! Remember: you only need five a week. So playing this game even two or three times in your week helps you focus your mind.
As Charles Dickens said: “Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has many, not your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.”
Check out the video version of this article:
THIS JUST IN! Leslie and I made a journal based on this viral article! Check it out here!
You Need To Take More Vacation … And Here’s How To Do It
Mandatory vacation is the way of the future
Have you ever felt burned out after a vacation?
I’m not talking about being exhausted from fighting with your family at Disney World all week. I’m talking about how you knew, the whole time walking around Epcot, that a world of work was waiting for you upon your return.
Our vacation systems are completely broken.
They don’t work.
The classic corporate vacation system goes something like this: You get a set number of vacation days a year (often only two to three weeks), you fill out some 1996-era form to apply for time off, you get your boss’s signature, and then you file it with a team assistant or log it in some terrible database. It’s an admin headache. Then most people have to frantically cram extra work into the weeks before they leave for vacation in order to actually extract themselves from the office. By the time we finally turn on our out-of-office messages, we’re beyond stressed, and we know that we’ll have an even bigger pile of work waiting for us when we return.
What a nightmare.
For most of us, it’s hard to actually use vacation time to recharge.
So it’s no wonder that absenteeism remains a massive problem for most companies, with payrolls dotted with sick leaves, disability leaves, and stress leaves.
In the UK, the Department for Work and Pensions says that absenteeism costs the country’s economy more than £100 billion per year. A white paper published by the Workforce Institute and produced by Circadian, a workforce solutions company, calls absenteeism a bottom-line killer that costs employers $3,600 per hourly employee and $2,650 per salaried employee per year. It doesn’t help that, according to the Center for Economic and Policy Research, the United States is the only country out of 21 wealthy countries that doesn’t require employers to offer paid vacation time. (Check out this world map on Wikipedia to see where your country stacks up. We love you, Enlightened Swedes!)
Now.
Let’s solve this problem.
First question is this big one.
Would it help if we got more paid vacation?
No, not necessarily.
According to a study from the U.S. Travel Association and GfK, a market research firm, just over 40% of Americans plan not to use all their paid time off anyway. It’s not the amount we’re given then, it’s the amount we’re taking, or feel able to take.
So what’s the progressive approach?
Is it the Netflix or Twitter policies that say take as much vacation as you want, whenever you want it? Open-ended, unlimited vacation sounds great on paper, doesn’t it? Very progressive, right? No, that approach is broken too.
What happens in practice with unlimited vacation time? Warrior mentality. Peer pressure. Social signals that say you’re a slacker if you’re not in the office. Mathias Meyer, the CEO of German tech company Travis CI, wrote a blog post about his company abandoning its unlimited vacation policy:
“When people are uncertain about how many days it’s okay to take off, you’ll see curious things happen. People will hesitate to take a vacation as they don’t want to seem like that person who’s taking the most vacation days. It’s a race to the bottom instead of a race towards a well rested and happy team.”
The point is that in unlimited vacation time systems, you probably won’t actually take a few weeks to travel through South America after your wedding, because there’s too much social pressure against going away for so long. Work objectives, goals, and deadlines are demanding. You look at your peers and see that nobody is backpacking through China this summer, so you don’t go either. You don’t want to let your team down, so your dream of visiting Machu Picchu sits on the shelf forever.
What’s the solution?
Recurring, scheduled mandatory vacation.
Yes, that’s right — an entirely new approach to managing vacation. And one that preliminary research shows works much more effectively.
Designer Stefan Sagmeister said in his TED talk, “The Power of Time Off,” that every seven years he takes one year off. He said:
“In that year, we are not available for any of our clients. We are totally closed. And as you can imagine, it is a lovely and very energetic time.”
He does warn that the sabbaticals take a lot of planning, and that you get the most benefit from them after you’ve worked for a significant amount of time.
Why does he do this? He says:
“Right now we spend about the first 25 years of our lives learning, then there are another 40 years that are really reserved for working. And then tacked on at the end of it are about 15 years for retirement. And I thought it might be helpful to basically cut off five of those retirement years and intersperse them in between those working years.”
As he says, that one year is the source of his creativity, inspiration, and ideas for the next seven years.
I wanted to test this theory so I collaborated with Shashank Nigam, the CEO of SimpliFlying, a global aviation strategy firm of about 10 people, to ask a simple question:
“What if we force people to take a scheduled week off every seven weeks?”
The idea was that this would be a microcosm of the Sagmeister principle of one year off every seven years. And it was entirely mandatory. In fact, we designed it so that if you contacted the office while you were on vacation — whether through email, WhatsApp, Slack, or anything else — you didn’t get paid for that vacation week. We tried to build in a financial punishment for working when you aren’t supposed to be working, in order to establish a norm about disconnecting from the office.
The system is designed so that you don’t get a say in when you go. Some may say that’s a downside, but for this experiment, we believed that putting a structure in place would be a significant benefit. The team and clients would know well ahead of time when someone would be taking a week off. And the point is you actually go. And everybody goes. So there are no questions, paperwork, or guilt involved with not being at the office.
With this 12 week experiment we had managers rate employee productivity, creativity, and happiness levels before and after the mandatory time off. (We used a five-point Likert scale, using simple statements such as “Ravi is demonstrating creativity in his work,” with the options ranging from one, Strongly Disagree, to five, Strongly Agree.)
And what did we find out?
Creativity went up 33%, happiness levels rose 25%, and productivity increased 13%. It’s a small sample, sure, but there’s a meaningful story here. When we dive deeper on creativity, the average employee score was 3.0 before time off and 4.0 after time off. For happiness, the average employee score was 3.2 before time off and 4.0 afterward. And for productivity, the average employee score was 3.2 before and rose to 3.6.
This complements the feedback we got from employees who, upon their return, wrote blog posts about their experiences with the process and what they did with their time. Many talked about how people finally found time to cross things off of their bucket lists — finally holding an art exhibition, learning a new language, or traveling somewhere they’d never been before.
Now, this is a small company, and we haven’t tested the results in a large organization. But the question is: Could something this simple work in your workplace? Are you the leader in charge of a team who could try this? Do you run a company where you want to give it a shot?
Let me share two pieces of constructive feedback that came back:
Frequency was too high. Employees found that once every seven weeks (while beautiful on paper) was just too frequent for a small company like SimpliFlying. Its competitive advantage is agility, and having staff take time off too often upset the work rhythm. Nigam proposed adjusting it to every twelve weeks. But with employee input, we redesigned it to once every eight weeks.
Staggering was important. Let’s say that two or three people work together on a project team. We found that it didn’t make sense for these people to take time off back-to-back. Batons get dropped if there are consecutive absences. We revised the arrangement so that no one can take a week off right after someone has just come back from one. The high-level design is important and needs to work for the business.
This is early research, but it confirms something we said at the beginning: Vacation systems are broken and aren’t actually doing what they’re advertised to do. If you show up drained after your vacation, that means you didn’t get the benefit of creating space.
Why is creating space so important?
Consider this quote from Tim Kreider, who wrote “The ‘Busy’ Trap” for the New York Times:
Idleness is not just a vacation, an indulgence or a vice; it is as indispensable to the brain as vitamin D is to the body, and deprived of it we suffer a mental affliction as disfiguring as rickets. The space and quiet that idleness provides is a necessary condition for standing back from life and seeing it whole, for making unexpected connections and waiting for the wild summer lightning strikes of inspiration — it is, paradoxically, necessary to getting any work done.
Vacations systems are broken.
But early results say that mandatory vacation could fix them.
Life is short so the earlier we get cracking the more time we’ll be spending doing better and more important work.
Check out the video version of this article below:
An earlier version of this article appeared in Harvard Business Review
Here's Why You Need A 'Day of Yes'
We’re experiencing a loneliness epidemic.
More of us live alone now compared to ever before, and a New York Times article says the percentage of American adults who report they’re lonely has doubled since the 1980s. Now it’s sky-high at 40 per cent.
And it gets worse. A recent meta-analysis titled “Social Relationships and Mortality Risk” shows loneliness creates double the mortality risk of obesity and is actually even greater than the risk of smoking.
Suddenly it feels like many of us are facing a particularly bleak future.
Do you ever feel lonely? Or know others who do? I certainly felt devastatingly lonely when I crash-landed downtown after my divorce years ago. Suddenly I had no friends, no family, and no social structure around me. It took me time to invent a two-word philosophy to kick myself out of the gloom and doom.
What was it?
Say Yes.
I know it’s not revolutionary but it changed my behaviour so much.
Suddenly with my new philosophy I was saying yes to anything I was asked to do. I found myself volunteering for charity functions, going to the play with six people in the audience, and saying yes to any event, literally any event, anybody asked me to attend.
Shonda Rhimes, creator and producer of shows like Grey’s Anatomy and Private Practice, delivered a 4-million-plus viewed TED Talk called “My year of saying yes to everything.” In it she says:
“So a while ago, I tried an experiment. For one year, I would say yes to all the things that scared me. Anything that made me nervous, took me out of my comfort zone, I forced myself to say yes to. Did I want to speak in public? No, but yes. Did I want to be on live TV? No, but yes . . . And a crazy thing happened: the very act of doing the thing that scared me undid the fear, made it not scary. My fear of public speaking, my social anxiety, poof, gone . . . ‘Yes’ changed my life. ‘Yes’ changed me.”
Yes puts you in situations you’re not comfortable with.
Yes helps you get out there.
Oh, and how big is the relationship between social ties and happiness?
It’s not big.
It’s gigantic.
According to Harvard psychologist Daniel Gilbert, who wrote popular bestseller Stumbling on Happiness:
“If I wanted to predict your happiness, and I could know only one thing about you, I wouldn’t want to know your gender, religion, health, or income. I’d want to know about your social network — about your friends and family and the strength of the bonds with them.”
So say yes. Say yes! Get out there. When you sign up for things you’re scared to do, go on trips you never thought you’d go on, and sign up for activities you have no business doing, guess what happens?
You meet new people, you create new relationships, you combat loneliness head-on . . . and you become happier.
And if a Year of Yes sounds too intimidating, no problem.
Just start with a Day of Yes first.
How about today?
An earlier version of this article appeared in The Toronto Star
Here's Why You Need A Family Contract (And What To Put In It)
“Congratulations, Neil!”
I was sitting across from the SVP of HR at Walmart when he offered me his hand and a sheet of paper with all the terms of my new promotion spelled out. I shook his hand and left his office doing mental cartwheels down the hall.
This was it!
The dream job.
More money, bigger team, fancier title, more interesting work.
And more actual work, too.
Because isn’t that how promotions usually work?
A few more meetings. A few more hours. A few more business trips. A bigger job isn’t just a bigger paycheck. It’s got more responsibility, too.
With the job offer in hand I popped my head into the office of one of my mentors at the company and said:
“Guess what! I got the big promotion.”
“Congratulations!” he said. “Are you going to accept it?”
His simple question caught me off guard.
“Well, it feels like a slam dunk,” I replied, with a bit of a confused look in my eyes, wondering what he was getting at. “Everything improves here — salary, benefits, title. Great for future employability, too. If I get turfed I have a nice ‘top line’ on my resumé. A good benchmark for going somewhere else. I feel like I should sign this right now and head straight back to the SVP’s office.”
“Go ahead and sign it,” he said with smile. “But it’s a big job! You’ll be leading a large team and on the road a lot. So, before you hand it back in, make sure you take the contract home, share it with your wife, and write up another contract, too. A family contract. One between you and your partner. The company is changing all your terms, aren’t they? So make sure you revisit all your home terms, too.”
His message rang a bell.
All of us have contracts with our employers.
Very few of us have contracts with our families.
We have detailed sheets of paper spelling out exactly what we’re supposed to do on the job. But we have no similar piece of paper for our families, do we?
That night I went home and sat down with my wife Leslie and we thought writing up a family contract was a good idea. We spent a long time that night discussing and writing out the terms of the contract and it has four bullet points that we still use today.
Number of nights away
It breaks my heart to miss bath time. Combing my son’s wet hair. Reading books under the covers. Goodnight kisses. There are a finite number of these nights in our lives so it should hurt to miss them. The biggest thing for Leslie and I to discuss was how many nights I was going to be away per year. We came up with a number that worked for us and began tracking it. As my work migrated from Walmart over the years into travelling to give speeches we held onto this number. (The number itself is up to you but for us it was 4 overnights per month during the school year and 0 during the summer which also held with it the sum total of 40 nights away per year. Still a lot! And painful in many ways. But, to our mind, about 10% of the total year.) What’s important I think is choosing a number that’s relatively easy to break down per month so if you have a really busy month (say, a big conference out of town or across-the-world trip or something) then you know you have to say no to a business trip next month to make up for it. Can doing this hamper your career? Sure. But can trips away hamper your family? Absolutely. Let’s not pretend you can have everything. Come up with a number that works for your family and stick with it.
Family Day
We decided it was important for us to have one Family Day every week. Normally these are on the weekend but if I’m away during the weekend we’ll get a ‘make up date’ during the week. Anyway: what’s a Family Day? A full day with no cellphones, no extended family, no friends, nothing. Just me, my wife, our little kids and zero interruptions all day. We had so many weekends blurring by in a smear of gymnastics, birthday parties, and extended family dinners. Fun weekends! But no deep family time. Is this tough to do? Of course! Think about how many days you have with a sports practice or somebody’s big birthday. Those are beautiful things. But prioritizing one Family Day a week creates energy, helps you be choosy about what activities you’re signing up for, and helps avoid saying a passive yes to every invitation.
NNO/LNO
This is a fun one. Once a week I get an NNO. Neil’s Night Out. Watch out, town! Seriously though, whatever I want to do that night, I do it. Dinner with a friend, live music by myself, spinning in circles in empty parking lots. It’s my night off. I can do whatever I want. What’s an LNO? That would be Leslie’s Night Out. She gets one a week, too. Energy is the priceless commodity here. It’s too easy to crash into Netflix comas on the couch once the kids are in bed. “Oh, look, we have only three Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidts left!” NNO/LNO helps us plan and prioritize ourselves and our other relationships, too. I feel like a great father and husband before and after I go away because I get energy from those nights. Plus, I get my own stories and experiences to bring back into the home while continuing to develop my life as an individual. The best part is there’s no guilt, since my wife has a night off, too. So in a way these two nights “pay for” each other. She can go to a yoga class, work on her pictures in a coffee shop, try my spinning parking lot thing, whatever. The two nights end up feeling like a gift to each other, which helps, though sometimes we do find we need to push each other to take them.
Special time
As our family expanded the number of relationship permutations expanded exponentially. With one partner there were two possible relationship permutations (me solo, me and Leslie), with one kid there were four (me solo, me and Leslie, me and my kid, all of us), with two kids there were suddenly eight (me solo, me and Leslie, me and kid one, me and kid two, me and both kids, me with Leslie and kid one, me with Leslie and kid two, all of us). You get the idea. The point here isn’t to fastidiously ensure we have time with every combination but we do think about every 1 on 1 combination having some ‘special time’ each week. And yes, this includes me and Leslie. Getting a weekly date night in as our family has expanded has been vital to showing up as the partners and parents we want to be.
So: That’s the contract I have with my partner.
We printed it up, signed it (actually signed it!), and keep it in a file.
The goal is to have a contract in a desk at home that creates a healthy tension with the contract you have in a desk at work.
Everybody will have different terms, of course. Maybe you include points about school drop-off and pickup, whether or not you work from home on weekends, or who does the garbage. Again, it’s whatever works for you.
And I will add: I didn’t tell my employer I had this contract. I didn’t wave it in their face and say, “Sorry, I can’t travel next week.” But the home contract helped me articulate my values, which enabled speedier decision-making, and a better acceptance of the decisions I did make later on in my new role. I didn’t sweat every business trip. I simply counted them towards an annual number. Plus, if I cheated on one of the bullet points, I knew I had to make it up. Missed Family Day one week because I was in China? Well that means two the next week.
Now, as you think about a contract that works with you and your partner, let’s make sure we remember that the goal is never to be perfect.
It’s simply to be a little better than before.
I’d love to see your contract if you’re willing to share at neil@globalhappiness.org
Too hardcore? Check out this video on the power of the ‘quarterly relationship meeting’ instead:
An earlier version of this article appeared in Fast Company
7 Science-Backed Ways To Be Happy Right Now
Let’s start with some bad news.
The happiness model we’re taught from a young age is actually completely backward. We think we work hard in order to achieve big success and then we’re happy. That’s how I grew up! That’s what my parents taught me.
We think the scribble goes like this:
Study hard! → Straight A’s! → Be happy!
Interview lots! → Great job! → Be happy!
Work overtime! → Get promoted! → Be happy!
But it doesn’t work like that in real life. That model is broken.
We do great work, have a big success, but instead of being happy, we just set new goals. Now we study for the next job, the next degree, the next promotion. Why stop at a college degree when you can get a master’s? Why stop at Director when you can be VP? Why stop at one house when you can have two? We never get to happiness. We just always push it further and further away.
Now what happens when we snap “Be happy” off the end of this scribble and stick it on the beginning? Then these important six words look like this:
Now everything changes. Everything changes. If we start with being happy, then we feel great. We look great. We exercise. We connect. What happens? We end up doing great work because we feel great doing it. What does great work lead to? Big success. Massive feelings of accomplishment and the resulting degrees, promotions, and phone calls from your mom telling you she’s proud of you.
The research shows that shows happy people are 31% more productive, have 37% higher sales, and are three times more creative than their counterparts.
So what’s the first thing you must do before you can be happy?
Be happy.
Be happy first.
Being happy opens up your learning centers. Your brain will light up like Manhattan skyscrapers at dusk, sparkle like diamonds under jewelry store lights, glow like the stars in the black sky above a farmer’s field.
American philosopher William James says, “The greatest discovery of any generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitude.”
The Happiness Advantage author Shawn Achor says, “It’s not necessarily the reality that shapes us but the lens through which your brain views the world that shapes your reality.”
William Shakespeare says, “For there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”
Now, it’s one thing to say “Be happy, everybody!” and leave it there.
But we all know it’s not that easy.
Why not? Because our brains get focused on negative things. We can’t stop! I do this all the time. And you know what? Everybody does. Every single person gets stuck focusing on the negative sometimes. I’ve spoken on stages with the best-known motivational speakers, Fortune 500 CEOs, and political leaders from around the world. Do you know what they’re all doing backstage? Freaking out. Sweating. Thinking something might go wrong.
The problem isn’t that we get stuck focused on the negative sometimes.
The problem is that we think we shouldn’t.
And that prevents us from taking action.
Action? That’s right. I’m talking about intentional activities. Studies show these happiness hits work like little happiness hacks that slowly shift our brain to being more positive focused.
I’ve sifted through positive psychology studies to find what I call The Big 7 ways to train your brain to be happy. Many of these studies have been discussed in journals, conference keynotes, and research reports, but I’ve brought them together here. These activities all meet my “3 S” criteria of being simple enough that I can do it, shareable enough that we can do it together, and short enough that they can be done in less than half an hour in middle of a busy day.
So what are The Big 7?
Let’s break it down:
3 Nature Walks
Do you suffer from Nature Deficit Disorder (NDD)?
I do. I am developing a hunchback. My thumbs occasionally get fried from too much texting. We are all becoming addicted to our cell phones.
We need to take more breaks and get outside.
Pennsylvania State researchers reported in the Journal of Sport & Exercise Psychology that the more physically active people are, the greater their general feelings of excitement and enthusiasm. The American Psychosomatic Societypublished a study showing how Michael Babyak and a team of researchers found three thirty-minute brisk walks or jogs even improve recovery from clinical depression. Yes, clinical depression. Results were stronger than those from studies using medication or studies using exercise and medication combined.
And why nature? Less keyboards. Less screens. More fresh air. More perspective. More reflection. And, as if that wasn’t enough, it turns out trees release a chemical called phytoncides which are actually shown to help reduce cortisol levels. Other benefits? Lower blood pressure, greater activity of parasympathetic nerves that promote relaxation, and a reduced activity of sympathetic nerves associated with “fight or flight” reactions to stress.
The 20-Minute Replay
Writing for twenty minutes about a positive experience dramatically improves happiness. Why? Because you actually relive the experience as you’re writing it and then relive it every time you read it. Your brain sends you back. In a University of Texas study called “How Do I Love Thee? Let Me Count the Words,” researchers Richard Slatcher and James Pennebaker had one member of a couple write about their relationship for twenty minutes three times a day. Compared to the test group, the couple was more likely to engage in intimate dialogue afterward, and the relationship was more likely to last.
Seriously? Journaling? Aren’t journals just a pile of blank paper stapled together with a picture of a cat on the front of them for twenty bucks? Yes! Yes, they are. Total ripoff, right? But they work. Turns out an area of your brain called your visual cortex has an area within it called area 17 which actually replays the highlights of your day as you recall and write them down. (This is partly why I’m somewhat embarrassed to admit The Journal of Awesome has outsold most of my books. Yes, a book I’ve written with no words in it has outsold many books I’ve written with words in them.)
5 Conscious Acts
Carrying out five conscious acts of kindness a week dramatically improves your happiness. Depending on your personality it’s not always natural to think about holding the door open for a couple minutes as a room exits, shovelling our neighbor’s sidewalk and walkway, or writing a Christmas card to the apartment building security guard we see every morning. But Sonja Lyubomirsky, author of The How of Happiness, did a study asking Stanford students to perform five acts of kindness over a week. Not surprisingly, they reported much higher happiness levels than the test group. Why? They felt good about themselves! People appreciated them.
In his book Flourish, Professor Martin Seligman says that “we scientists have found that doing a kindness produces the single most reliable momentary increase in well-being of any exercise we have tested.”
High-Challenge, High-Skill Tasks
Get into a groove. Be in the zone. Find your flow. However you characterize it, when you’re completely absorbed with what you’re doing, it means you’re being challenged and demonstrating skill at the same time. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi describes this moment as “being completely involved in an activity for its own sake. The ego falls away. Time flies. Every action, movement, and thought follows inevitably from the previous one, like playing jazz. Your whole being is involved, and you’re using your skills to the utmost.”
Do you get that feeling from painting in the basement? Leaving your cell phone and watch at home and going for a long run before everyone wakes up? Taking nature pictures? Hitting the batting cage? In his book Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience, Csikszentmihalyi describes it using a wonderful image which I’ve redrawn below:
Ten Long Deep Breaths
A research team from Massachusetts General Hospital looked at brain scans of people before and after they participated in a course on mindfulness meditation and published the results in Psychiatry Research. What happened? After the course, parts of the brain associated with compassion and self-awareness grew while parts associated with stress shrank.
Studies report that meditation can “permanently rewire” your brain to raise levels of happiness. If you’re having trouble getting started, try an app like Calm or Ten Percent Happier.
Five Gratitudes
If you can be happy with simple things, then it will be simple to be happy.
Find a book or a journal, or start a website, and write down five things you’re grateful for from the past week. More if you have them! Once you get going it will become easier. But the key here is actually writing them down. I wrote five gratitudes a week for four years on my blog 1000 Awesome Things. Some people write in a notebook by their bedside.
Back in 2003, researchers Robert Emmons and Michael McCullough asked groups of students to write down five gratitudes, hassles, or events over the past week for ten weeks. Guess what happened? The students who wrote five gratitudes were happier and physically healthier. Charles Dickens puts this well: “Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has many, not your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.”
20 Pages Of Fiction
There’s a Game of Thrones quote I love that says:
“The man who reads lives a thousand lives before he dies … the man who never reads lives only one.”
We need to read books — real books on real paper — more than ever before. We spent over four hours a day on our cellphones right now. In a world of endless dings and pings we need to get back to single-tasking.
A 2011 study published in the Annual Review of Psychology showed that reading triggers our mirror neurons and opens up the parts of our brain responsible for developing empathy, compassion and understanding. What does EQ help with? Becoming a better leader, teacher, parent and sibling. Another study from Science Magazine in 2013 showed that reading literary fiction helps improve empathy and social functioning. And, finally, a 2013 study at Emory University showed MRIs taken the morning after test subjects were asked to read sections of a novel showed an increase in connectivity in the left temporal cortex. What’s that? The area of the brain associated with receptivity for language. The MRIs were done the next day. Just imagine the long-term benefits of cracking open a book every day.
So those are The Big 7.
We know it’s important to be happy first, and these are the seven ways to get there.
Remember: Just like riding a bike, doing a somersault, or juggling — you can learn to be happier.
Happy people don’t have the best of everything.
They make the best of everything.
Be happy first.
An earlier version of this article originally appeared in Quiet Revolution and Thought Catalog.
Why You Should Never, Ever Retire
“He’s dead.”
Staring in shock at my high school Guidance Department secretary, I thought that it couldn’t be true, it couldn’t be true, it couldn’t be true. I’d just talked to him last week.
“It happened so suddenly,” she whispered, tears shining through thick glasses, glossy red lips quivering silently in slow motion. “I am so sorry.”
Mr. Wilson was my guidance counselor. He had a shiny head holding two fluffy-cloud patches of gray hair on the sides and wore thick glasses and loose-fitting gray T-shirts while helping students with timetables, college applications, and personal problems.
Everybody loved Mr. Wilson.
I talked to him about summer jobs and he calmed me down during exams. He had a quiet, big-picture worldview that helped us get above ourselves and see beyond life in our hometown.
You could tell Mr. Wilson loved his job by the way his eyes twinkled as he bounced through the halls, spouting hellos and high-fiving students, calling everybody by name. He was always smiling, and our school was his home.
Back when I was in high school, the government had mandatory retirement. You turned sixty-five and poof! The government yanked you out of the workforce in a cloud of smoke and moved you straight on to old-age pension. You had no choice. And let’s face it — almost everybody wanted to retire way before sixty-five, anyway. TV ads preached “Freedom 55” with gray-haired couples skipping town to swim at the cottage, play golf, and sail into the sunset.
Retirement is a good thing. A great thing! What everybody wants, dreams about, wishes for, over and over and over and over . . . until it finally comes.
Do whatever, whenever, wherever . . . forever?
Sounds like a good deal!
The funny thing is that when Mr. Wilson retired . . . he didn’t look happy. None of us did. We had the big celebration with cake, music from the band, and teary speeches from former students. It was like the final scene in Mr. Holland’s Opus. Mr. Wilson said he was excited to be retiring, but his thin smile and wet eyes said the opposite.
But mandatory retirement came at age sixty-five . . . and so he retired.
The next week he had a heart attack and died.
The horrible idea the Germans had that ruined things for everybody
Every day there’s another article about how all of our retirements are doomed. Public pension promises in the U.S. vastly exceed their ability to pay. We now need nearly $400,000 at age 65 just to cover health care costs. And retirement itself increases your risk of depression by 40%.
For many of us, it’s starting to feel like the light at the end of the tunnel of life has been blocked by a triple-bolted steel door. Who’s to blame for this mess?
The Germans.
Yes, back in 1889, German Chancellor Otto von Bismarck invented the idea of retirement, establishing the concept for the rest of us. “Those who are disabled from work by age and invalidity have a well-grounded claim to care from the state,” he said at the time. He wanted to address high youth unemployment by paying those 70 and older to leave the workforce, and other countries followed suit with retirement ages around 65 or 70.
But there is one big difference between 1889 Germany and the world we live in today: The average lifespan then was 70 years. Penicillin wasn’t discovered for forty years! Now we’re all living much, much longer. And many of us would like to retire much earlier. But the scary headlines — and the realities that we see around us — cast doubt on our ability to ever retire. The entire concept of retirement is starting to feel flimsy at best.
So what are we to do, short of working the rest of our days away?
What can we learn from the healthiest 100-year-olds in the world?
To get to the root of the issue, let’s look past the North American shorelines (where I live) all the way to the beautiful sandy islands of Okinawa, in the East China Sea. According to the Okinawa Centenarian Study, men and women in Okinawa live an average of seven years longer than Americans and have one of the longest disability-free life expectancies in the world.
Dan Buettner and fellow researchers from National Geographic studied why Okinawans live so long. What did they find out? Among other things, Okinawans eat off of smaller plates, stop eating when they’re 80% full, and have a beautiful setup wherein they’re put into social groups as babies to slowly grow old together.
But they also have an outlook on life that is very different from those in the West. While we think of retirement as the golden age of golf greens and cottage docks, guess what they call retirement in Okinawa?
They don’t. They don’t even have a word for it. Literally nothing in their language describes the concept of stopping work completely. Instead, one of the healthiest societies in the world has the word ikigai (pronounced like “icky guy”), which roughly translates to “the reason you wake up in the morning.”
It’s the thing that drives you most.
Toshimasa Sone and his colleagues at the Tohoku University Graduate School of Medicine wondered whether having an ikigai could actually help extend longevity, health, and late-life stability, so they put the concept to a test. They spent seven years in Sendai, Japan, studying the longevity of more than 43,000 Japanese adults with regard to age, gender, education, body mass index, cigarette use, alcohol consumption, exercise, employment, perceived stress, history of disease, and even subjects’ self-rated scores of how healthy they were. Then they asked every single one of these 43,000 people, “Do you have an ikigai in your life?”
Participants reporting an ikigai at the beginning of the study were more likely to be married, educated, and employed. They had higher levels of self-rated health and lower levels of stress. At the end of the seven-year study, 95% of the folks with an ikigai were alive. Only 83% of those without an ikigai made it that long.
The 4 S’s
To put it another way: We don’t actually want to retire and do nothing. We just want to do something we love. And I’m not talking about endless days of back nines, fishing, and sailing into the sunset. While we might want some time to do those things, you’d be surprised to learn how quickly the bloom can come off of that type of rosy retirement. I believe that we’d all be better served by taking the concept of ikigai and distilling it into what I call the 4 S’s:
Social: Friends, peers, and coworkers who brighten our days and fulfill our social needs.
Structure: The alarm clock ringing because you have a reason to get up in the morning, and the resulting satisfaction you get from earned time off.
Stimulation: Keeping our minds challenged by learning something new each day.
Story: Being part of something bigger than ourselves by joining a group whose high-level purpose is something you couldn’t accomplish on your own.
Now, am I saying that if you’re six weeks away from your final punch-out after 30 years at the meatpacking plant, you should suddenly skewer your dreams and ramp up for 30 more? Of course not. What I’m saying is that retirement is a Western invention from days gone by that’s based on broken assumptions that we want — and can afford — to do nothing.
If you’re already struggling to pay bills and your career’s sitting on tectonic plates that are threatening to shift below the labor market, my recommendation is to dig deep into your natural passions to find a second act that aligns with your values.
There are far more problems and opportunities on this spinning planet than there are people to help with them so if you feel lost, follow your heart, find your ikigai, and remember the 4 S’s.
And stop worrying that you won’t ever be able to retire.
You’ll be far better off if you don’t.
An earlier version of this article appeared in Harvard Business Review
I expand on this idea in The Happiness Equation