By Neil Pasricha and Leslie Richardson
“Happiness is a choice.”
Hear that saying before? Betting you have. We all have! It’s almost cliché. And yes, while research shows that a good deal of our happiness really is a choice, the saying gives us a “what” without a “how.”
We both grew up sometimes feeling anxious and overwhelmed and have come to need and rely on “hows.” Ending up in the happiness industry—Neil publishing ten books and Leslie teaching strategies to let go of the hard and grow the good in schools and families—was a surprise. We think it’s because everyone inevitably falls back into negative spirals, and perhaps it’s sharing these simple—dead simple, ruthlessly simple—systems that helps get us back on track.
So what do we do at night when our night time angst bubbles up, that dangerous mind that rears its ugly head after the dust of the day has settled, the sun has set and our resilience is low? We take two minutes individually, as a couple or together with our kids to share a rose, a second rose, a thorn and a bud. This scroll back through the day helps us inch closer to that fabled happiness North Star. It gets gratitude pumping through our blood, allows us to release the hard and surrender into peaceful sleep.
So what is Rose, Rose, Thorn, Bud?
A Rose is a gratitude, highlight, or tiny positive from the day. Getting to the meeting late but the boss getting there even later. The fact that he wrote me back. The half hour of silence I got when both kids were napping.
The second Rose is just that: another small win, tiny pleasure, or highlight from the day. How cold the shower was at the end of my run. When our song came on right after I picked you up from work. The feeling of her sleeping on my chest.
Science has proven roses to be good for us! In 2003, the foundational study “Counting Blessings Versus Burdens” from Robert Emmons and Michael McCullough showed that students who wrote down “gratitudes”—versus test groups who wrote down “hassles” or “events”—weren’t just happier but also physically healthier after a ten-week period. Pretty big deal!
Then it’s time for a Thorn: something that didn’t go well, a moment of suffering, or the hardest part of your day. WE need space to vent, process, and be heard to help us move through the emotion. Still not hearing back from the doctor. Texting something snarky to my sister. Falling into a social media hole.
Thorns are also proven to be good for us! A 2006 meta-analysis by Joanne Frattaroli, published in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, shows that writing about emotional experiences, including negative ones, improves well-being and reduces stress. Think of sharing thorns as helping to crystalize and eject what’s prickling us inside. And one last thing: A 2001 paper by Stephen Lepore, published in the Journal of Behavioral Medicine, helpfully adds that if you’re coping with anything traumatic—and a lot of us are, let’s be honest—sharing negative emotions helps healing.
And then, finally, a Bud: something you’re looking forward to. Tonight, this weekend, even fifty years from now! Making a stack of pancakes on a Saturday. When my dad’s surgery finally gets scheduled. Renting a villa in Morocco when I turn a hundred years old.
A 2005 paper from Sonja Lyubormirsky, Kennon Sheldon, and David Schkade called “pursuing Happiness,” published in Review of General Psychology, shows that setting and anticipating future goals and events makes you happier. Buds are good for us too!
This dead simple practice is like wiping a wet shammy over the blackboard of your mind. Do it at the dinner table, with Grandma over the phone, or with your partner before bed. Use it as a simple positive pressure to connect, share, and reflect. Nothing motivates like feeling the magic of connection and compassion.
Yes, happiness is a choice. But it’s how we get there that matters. With higher-than-ever rates of societal anxiety, depression, and loneliness, these little practices can really stick, because we really do them, because they're really simple.
This practice helps us continue to inch towards happiness.
We hope it does the same for you.
