Take More Pictures: The counterintuitive way to build resilience

When I was researching my book on resilience, I discovered something so obvious it blew me away.

I think I was around nine years old when my dad bought me the Complete Major League Baseball Statistics, a frayed paperback with a green cover. I treasured it and kept it in my room for years. I flipped through it so many times.

As I paged through the numbers, I started noticing something interesting. Cy Young had the most wins of all time in baseball (511). He also had the most losses (316). Nolan Ryan had the most strikeouts (5714), and the most walks (2795).

Why would the guy with the most wins also have the most losses?

Why would the guy with the most strikeouts also have the most walks?

It’s simple—they just played the most.

They tried the most and moved through loss the most.

When everything rests on the numbers

Sometimes, achieving something really is about quantity over quality not the other way around. I’ve asked wedding photographers how they manage to capture such perfect moments. They all say the same type of thing: “I just take way more pictures. I’ll take a thousand pictures over a three-hour wedding. That’s a picture every 10 seconds. Of course I’m going to have 50 good ones. I’m throwing 950 pictures away to find them!”

Sometimes, when I’m doing Q&A after a speech, someone asks me a question along the lines of  “So, congratulations on the success of The Book of Awesome. My question is: How do I get paid millions to write about farting in elevators?”

To me, this is like asking, “So you won the lottery. How do I win the lottery, too?”

I always answer the same way, with a reply I stole from Todd Hanson, former head writer at The Onion. He said that whenever someone asks him the question “So how do I get a job writing jokes for money like you did?” he gives a straightforward answer:

“Do it for free for 10 years.”

We cannot hack our way to success

Today, we’re surrounded by tales of companies with million-dollar valuations that grow at lightning-fast rates. We hear about tiny startups that Google acquires for billions of dollars, just a few months after launch. We want to read about the fastest way to get a six-pack or accelerate our careers. But ultimately, what we want to find—quick fixes, easy answers, shortcuts—isn’t there.

Some things take time. They take time. They just take time. It’s not about the number of hits but rather the number of times you step up to the plate. The most important questions to ask yourself are:
 

1. Am I gaining experience?

2. Will these experiences help?

3. Can I afford to stay on this path for a while?

Sometimes? No. Other times? Yes. And either way you’ll help yourself see that you are learning, doing, and moving—even if that means lots of failure on the way.

“I’m a big fan of poof”

Seth Godin, bestselling author of over 20 books, offered similar advice in an interview with Tim Ferriss: “The number of failures I’ve had dramatically exceeds most people’s, and I’m super proud of that. I’m more proud of the failures than the successes because it’s about this mantra of ‘Is this generous? Is this going to connect? Is this going to change people for the better? Is it worth trying?’ If it meets those criteria and I can cajole myself into doing it, then I ought to.”

And in and interview with Jonathan Fields on Good Life Project, he said, “I’m a big fan of poof.” What’s poof? The idea that you try and if it’s not working—poof. You go try something else.

I’m writing this article as part of my research, lessons, and ideas on resilience in You Are Awesome. That book came out over a year ago now. Is it a hit? Is it a flop? Honestly, it almost doesn’t matter. Because, either way, the only choice I have is to move on to the next thing.

Sure, I want it to succeed. But I can’t determine that. All I get to do is take more pictures. All I get to do is keep going with my next book, next talk, next project, next whatever, whether this one is a hit or goes poof.

You need to do the same.

Success stories are not stories of success  

We need to stop looking at successful people with the lens that their lives contain a success that led to a success that led to another success. Because you know what we’re really looking at? Not success, not really. Just people who are just really good at moving through failures.

Moving through failures, swimming through failure, recovering and going forward from failure? That’s the real success. Successful people get to where they’re going because they are willing to try something when the possibility of failure is high … they know and accept that and don’t shy away from it.

So when it comes to long-term success, remember it’s not how many home runs you hit. It’s how many at-bats you take. The wins will only pile up if you keep stepping up to the plate.

This is an edited excerpt from You Are Awesome: How To Navigate Chance, Wrestle with Failure, and Live and Intentional Life

The Very Best Books I Read in 2020

As the year winds down, I am excited to share my “best of” reading list for 2020. Books are a great distraction right now so I hope you find something for you or a loved one in the titles below.

Happy reading!

20. In Praise of Slow: Challenging the Cult of Speed by Carl Honoré. I bought this book years ago and never found time to read it. Quelle surprise! Still the most common question I get on my reading lists is “How do you find time to read so many books?” My answer in HBR articles here and here. I believe this book is a mirror we all need right now. If you’re feeling pandemic sluggishness this book will smile at you warmly, pat you on the back, and help you settle deeper into your slower, wiser, more meandering self. And if you’re the opposite, if you feel like the treadmill you’re on is cranked to 10, then this book will force you to stop and reflect. Chock full of research and wonderfully narrated by the incredibly warm Carl Honoré in the same “sitting beside you on the bus” style of Quiet or So You’ve Been Publicly Shamed, I felt like this was the book I have needed for years. It's time to slow down and read this wonderful book.

19. The Old Man by Sarah V & Claude K. Dubois. Homeless rates are spiking. The parks are full of tents and there are more people on the streets where we live. This simple but striking kids book with beautiful watercolor art explores homelessness with great compassion. A man wakes up wet and freezing in the morning. He rummages through trash cans looking for food. He sees a mail carrier and remembers he used to be one. He goes to a shelter but can’t remember his name when he’s asked so he leaves. He’s kicked out of a park. He’s offered a sandwich and a smile from a little girl. The book is marketed to 5-7 year olds but I think anybody would love it. Published by the independent Gecko Press based in Wellington, New Zealand. I linked to them above but it should be sold everywhere.

18. Walking on Water: Reflections on Faith & Art by Madeleine L’Engle. I admit whenever I hear a book described as “a meditation on…” I sort of hear it as “a bunch of loose, semi-coherent rambles on…” This book completely changed my view. It is indeed a meditation but it’s the furthest thing from loose and semi-coherent. With the powerful high beamed mind of Madeleine L’Engle (probably best known for A Wrinkle In Time) the book dives down into the deeper, colder, darker waters far below other well-structured or well-researched or well-organized books to explore, really meaningfully explore, the murky depths underpinning those massive overlapping circles of faith and art. As you read the book you’ll feel connected to a wise, patient, enlightened guide calmly and patiently showing you the meaning of all things. Mandatory reading for anyone creating art in any way. Most of us! Closest book I can compare it to would be The War of Art by Steven Pressfield but I liked this one more. (Note: This is one of creative wonder Brad Montague’s most formative books. I had a lovely chat with Brad here.)

17. The Body: A Guide For Occupants by Bill Bryson. “In a world deluged by irrelevant information, clarity is power,” says historian and philosopher Yuval Noah Harari, author of Sapiens. I was thinking about that quote while reading this incredible top to bottom look at our fleshy homes. The early chapters on “The Brain” and “The Head” alone are worth much more than the price of admission here. Short excerpt: “Don’t forget that your genes come from ancestors who most of the time weren’t even human. Some of them were fish. Lots more were tiny and furry and lived in burrows…. We would all be a lot better off if we could just start fresh and give ourselves bodies built for our particular Homo sapiens needs – to walk upright without wrecking our knees and backs, to swallow without heightened risk of choking, to dispense babies as if from a vending machine. But we weren’t built for that. We began our journey through history as unicellular blobs floating about in warm, shallow seas.” And it goes from there.

16. Walkable City: How downtown can save America, one step at a time by Jeff Speck. Who else has had a big walking year? Maybe the most walking you’ve ever done? I love five-hour walks and I try and spend a day or two a week going untouchable and bringing out my inner flâneur. I loved this book about walkability and its power to completely transform our health, our planet, our economies, and our communities. Jeff Speck presents The General Theory of Walkability which explains how, ‘to be favored, a walk has to satisfy four main conditions: it must be useful, safe, comfortable, and interesting’ and calls pedestrians ‘an extremely fragile species, the canary in the coal mine of urban liveability.’ I have no idea how urban living will change post-pandemic but we spread ourselves too far from one another at our peril. As Jane Jacobs said “By its nature, the metropolis provides what otherwise could be given only by traveling; namely, the strange.” Cheers to living in strange, dense, and surprising environments for decades to come. (PS. Anne Bogel tipped me off to this book in my last live 3 Books chapter before the pandemic. We recorded in Union Square and then inside The Strand in Manhattan. I was then lucky enough to get Jeff to come on the podcast to help push the pleasures of pedestrian propinquity.)

15. Bad Feminist: Essays by Roxane Gay. Roxane Gay’s writing flows like a river: calm, smooth, burbling, and then you hit the rocks. She offers accessible welcome mats into complex and thorny issues like her essay “What We Hunger For” on the emotional trauma of sexual abuse told through her love of The Hunger Games. (That full essay is online here.) The essays are short, easy to read, and have a huge range of topics as one moment you’re hearing what it feels like to be a typical first year professor and the next you’re discussing the issues with Sweet Valley High or Django Unchained. Playboy calls her 'the most important and most accessible feminist critic of our time' and she’s also the #2 ranked best reviewer on all of GoodReads. Check out my recent conversation with Roxane on lessons in love and the lethal lure of likeability.

14. The Invisible Pyramid by Loren Eiseley. Naturists, anthropologists, environmentalists, philosophers, teachers, lend me your ears. This is the book for you! Loren Eiseley lived from 1907 to 1977 and is listed as all of those things in his online biography. Those diverse backgrounds and experiences come together wonderfully in this powerful series of essays offering a sense of wild vertigo as Loren masterfully zooms us across spacetime to give us a sense of place in the cosmos. Did you ever read that “Pale Blue Dot” passage by Carl Sagan? I wrote about it in The Happiness Equation. If you liked that passage, you’ll love this this series of lectures Eiseley delivered at the University of Washington in 1969. It was just after the moon landing and these lectures tap right into the interstellar dreaming zeitgeist of the time. I feel like this is the book I was always hoping to find whenever I picked up A Brief History Of Time by Stephen Hawking which I could not work my way through. A great book for people who loved The Power of Myth by Joseph Campbell.

13. Black Beauty by Anna Sewell. While lying in bed as an invalid in the 1870s, Anna Sewell wrote this book. She died five months later but was alive long enough to see the book take off en route to becoming the worldwide classic. A wonderful first-horse view of life from the mid-1800s which includes many simple and profound lessons about kindness, friendship, and animal rights. This is the book that first opened Temple Grandin’s eyes to animal rights issues before her many decades fighting for their quality of life. If you don’t know much about Temple Grandin, she's just incredible. I'd recommend starting with the award-winning film starring Claire Danes and then listen to my chat with her on mixing minds making magic.

12. The Boy & The Bindi by Vivek Shraya. I was listening to an interview with Vivek and the host asked which words she uses to identify herself. It was a long list! Artist, trans, queer, bi, person of color, brown. I first found Vivek when her book I’m Afraid of Men jumped out to me at a bookstore. I found it brave, challenging, and mind-expanding on a lot of levels. This children’s book is a rhyming story of a young boy who takes interest in his mom’s bindi. It’s an activist and gender creative book that doesn’t slip into the trappings of trying to argue gender norms but simply allows a young boy’s curiosity towards a traditionally female-sporting dot to grow into a natural love. Pairs well with I Love My Purse by Belle Demont. Listen to Vivek trashing traditional trans tropes here.

11. Poor Charlie’s Almanack: The Wit & Wisdom of Charles T. Munger by Charles T. Munger. Shane Parrish of Farnam Street and The Knowledge Project told me to buy this book and I admit I groaned when I picked it up. Seriously? The multibillionaire longtime partner of Warren Buffet compiles a giant 500 page trophy to his accomplishments? But then I opened it and couldn’t stop flipping around. It’s chock full of wonderful commencement speeches, book recommendations, and his famous mental models. One of the densest compendiums of wisdom you’ll find. If you know very little about Charlie Munger (as I did) this article is a great place to start. If you’re intrigued from there, I’d highly recommend this book.

10. Murder on the Orient Express by Agatha Christie. I walked into The Mysterious Bookshop earlier this year and said “I don’t know any mysteries! What’s your best gateway drug?” and the bookseller passed me this book. “Really?,” I thought. “Agatha Christie?” Turns out she’s sold two billion books for a reason. (Tied with Shakepeare for #1 fiction sales of all-time. No biggie.) When the elegant Orient Express is stopped by snowfall a murder is discovered and Hercule Poirot’s trip home is interrupted to solve the crime. After a slow start out of the station with fifty pages of mood and landscape setting, this book took off like a bullet train. It kept me up reading night after night.

9. Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How To Stop Yelling and Start Connecting by Dr. Laura Markham. Do you yell at your kids? I do. And then I feel terrible afterwards. It’s embarrassing. What am I doing? How do I let my buttons get pushed by a three year old refusing to put on his shoes? Enter this book. Dr. Laura Markham’s work is deeply empathetic, connected, and loving. I can confidently say this book has turned me into a better father by offering a simple three-step approach to be a more peaceful parent. Step 1. Regulating Yourself, Step 2. Fostering Connection, and Step 3. Coaching not Controlling. She says that discipline never (never!) works and offers many solutions using games and connection to coach behavior instead. I also recommend Dr. Laura’s fantastic newsletter and I was lucky to sit down with her in her living room in Brooklyn to discuss prioritizing presence to parent peacefully.

8. The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison. I can’t recall a book this emotionally and racially charged since I read To Kill A Mockingbird when I was 15 years old. And I liked this one better. Toni Morrison died last summer at 88 years old after winning a Pulitzer Prize, Nobel Prize, and a slew of other awards. This is her very first book, published in 1970, and she didn’t become well known for years afterwards. I loved imagining that when I read it. Her first book! Released without fanfare! It all takes place in Northern Ohio after the Great Depression and tells the story of a young black girl in an abusive family told from the point of view of another girl in her class. Some reviewers say the book could be triggering for people who have suffered physical abuse so I’ll leave you with that warning. (It has been banned a lot.) But if you are up for an enchanting book that sets your mind firmly somewhere else while sharing a briskly paced story with an unbelievably poetic voice … I highly recommend this.

7. Berlin by Jason Lutes. I remember visiting my friend Chris Kim at his Boston apartment years ago when he passed me his copy of Maus by Art Spiegelman. That OG graphic novel about the holocaust completely blew me away. I sadly never had a chance to return it so it sits on my shelf and has since been joined by work by artists like Alison Bechdel, Adrian Tomine, and Chris Ware. However, I am almost positive I’ve never read a graphic novel with the level of emotional, character, and plot complexity of this nearly 600-page wonder. I am not surprised Jason Lutes spent 22 years writing and illustrating it. (22 years!) If you’re like me, the graphic novel will take 50-100 pages to get into as new people and storylines keep popping out of nowhere but once you get a loose grasp on the dozens of characters you will truly get lost in it. Berlin was the progressive center of Europe during the Weimar Republic of 1918-1933 where ‘creativity, political thought, and sexual liberty burned bright before being snuffed out under the boot heel of fascism.’ If you have a craving to walk onto the Holodeck right now, press a button, and live somewhere completely different for a while, this is the book for you. I am already excited to read it again.

6. Halfbreed by Maria Campbell. A coming of age memoir by playwright, filmmaker, and Métis Elder Maria Campbell on her experience growing up in the middle of Canada through the 1940s and 50s. Originally published in 1973 with “missing pages” detailing her rape at the hands of the RCMP, the 2019 edition (pictured) has been restored with full manuscript as well as a breathtaking Afterword written by Campbell last year. Much First Nations history shared through memorable exchanges with Maria’s 104-year-old (!) Cree great-grandmother Cheechum and braided with bleakness, horror, and revelation. A story I can’t stop thinking about.

5. Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on love and life from Dear Sugar by Cheryl Strayed. Cheryl Strayed was the victim of severe abuse as a child, lost her mother in her early 20s, became addicted to heroin, and then walked alone up the Pacific Crest Trail for three months over more than a thousand miles. Somewhere along the way she developed the incredible superpower to see inside people’s souls and conjure up potions to heal their rawest wounds. She wielded this superpower in the form of anonymously writing a column called “Dear Sugar” for an online literary magazine called The Rumpus about a decade ago. This book is a collection of those columns and they will completely shatter you as she somehow manages to solve the question people didn’t ask her every single time. Here’s an example to give you a taste.

4. Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of NIMH by Robert C O’Brien. Mrs Frisby is a mouse with problems. She’s a recent widow after her husband was eaten by the cat. Her son Timothy is bedridden with a nasty chest cold. And the farmer is going to plough the field she lives on in two days which will destroy her home. Cue an epic 48-hour adventure involving flying crows, wise owls, dangerous cats, and genius rats. Completely absorbing. Beautifully written. And can you recall any other book with a single mother of four as the star of the show? The back says it’s for ages 8-11 but I think we can safely stretch that up many more decades. This is one of poet Nikki Giovanni’s three most formative books.

3. Lie With Me by Philippe Besson. Translated from French by Molly Ringwald. “Yes, that Molly Ringwald,” read the handwritten cue card on the Staff Picks wall at Toronto indie bookstore Type Books. That’s where I was first introduced to this gem about a hidden love affair between two teenage boys in rural France in 1984 which time warps from the past to today told as a first-person memory by the author. That summary means nothing, though. This book will squeeze your heart in many ways and I think could have the most exquisite final page of any novel I’ve ever read. André Aciman, author of Call Me By Your Name, says “Two young men find each other, always fearing that life itself might be the villain standing in their way. A stunning and heart-gripping tale.” This book is a true masterpiece.

2. When More Is Not Better: Overcoming America’s Obsession with Economic Efficiency by Roger L. Martin. Do you feel like the whole system is rigged? Like there’s nothing you can do to really get ahead or help affect true change? This is the book to read. It masterfully zooms up into the stratosphere of the entire democratic capitalist system we live in and pulls back the curtain on all the junky, rusted-out parts inside. Roger Martin was Dean of the Rotman School of Management for a good decade and a half and named the world’s #1 management thinker by Thinkers50. I’ve followed his strategy books over the years (Playing To Win, The Opposable Mind) but I think this is his best book. This book calls shenanigans on, well, nearly everything, and then outlines refreshing approaches on how to fix it. Most business books spend 300 pages outlining the problem and 50 pages on the solution. This book is the opposite. All ideas are filed under go-dos for business execs, political leaders, educators, and citizens. As an example, educators should temper the inclination to teach certainty, stop teaching reductionism as if it’s a good thing, help students appreciate the power of directly observable data, and elevate the appreciation of qualities (over quantities). Citizens should ‘multihome’ by consciously spending money away from the monopolists to avoid the deep structural and customer abusive situations that follow. (Another great argument for supporting independent bookstores.) Each point is backed by numbers and tightly screwed into lean and logical prose.

1. Utopia Avenue by David Mitchell. I’m going to come right out and say I think David Mitchell is the greatest novelist alive. He’s probably most famous for Cloud Atlas which is six Russian-dolled novellas spanning centuries with a connected soul. An easier entry point may be Black Swan Green which is the wonderful coming-of-age tale of a 13-year-old stutterer growing up in 1980s England. Or you can walk in through A Thousand Autumns of Jacob de Zoet, a historical fiction masterpiece set in Japan in the late 1700s. If the range between books isn’t enough there’s also a broader multiverse at play connecting all his books through characters and their relatives taking on different identities and forms across centuries. Sounds overwhelming? Maybe in concept but not in execution. As David says: “Art should be an anti-snobbery force.” Every David Mitchell book sends you somewhere else in vivid and often vertiginous ways. (No wonder five of his books have been long- or short-listed for the Man Booker and TIME has called him one of the world’s 100 Most Influential People.) Utopia Avenue is his newest and it tells the story of a British psychedelic folk band formed in SoHo in 1967. The story twists, turns, and then hits hyperdrive in the final act. It’s all woven so deeply into history that it really feels like you can hear the band playing. I promise you won’t want the music to end.

The 5 Greatest Regrets of the Dying and How to Avoid Them

How overwhelming is your life right now? 

I'm guessing you're in the washing machine with the rest of us.

When I'm spinning in the heavy duty cycle I find myself reaching out to touchstones that have helped ground and center myself again and again. Like what? Like revisiting 7 science-backed ways to be happy right now, 7 ways to calm my mind and sleep better or and, yes, the 5 greatest regrets of the dying.

Bronnie Ware is an Australian palliative nurse who spent years taking care of the dying in the last three months of their lives.

“When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently,” she says, “common themes surfaced again and again.”

She eventually put together the five most common regrets from people moments away from their last breath and posted it on her blog. It went viral, and the story was picked up by The Guardian and The Daily Mail, among others.

So what were the greatest regrets she heard from patient after patient? Didn’t make enough money? Didn’t work enough hours? Not enough vacations? Not enough homes? No. Not even close. The 5 Greatest Regrets of the Dying are:

• I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me

• I wish I hadn't worked so hard

• I wish I had the courage to express my feelings

• I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends

• I wish that I had let myself be happier 

Every time I read this list I am stunned into silence for a minute. I think how many of these regrets I would have if I died today. I look at how I'm spending my time today, this week, this month and see if there are things I can adjust to make sure I'm focusing on the right things. There always are so the list serves as inspiration.

I also always feel like this entire list relates to authenticity. That's ultimately how you avoid these regrets. It’s all about being you and being cool with it. Being honest with yourself and honest with others. I would argue if you’re being yourself, if you're being authentic, then:

• You do live a life true to yourself

• You do overvalue your time and find a job that fits your life

• You do recognize and express your feelings

• You do keep in touch with your friends  

• You do let yourself be happier

Being you removes regrets from your life.

Authenticity removes regrets from your life.

So use the 5 greatest regrets of the dying to briefly escape your washing machine mind. Forget about whatever your cell phone's yelling at you, forget about your overwhelming to-do list, and take a minute to stop and listen to the crowdsourced sum of thousands of people on the edge of existence shouting desperately back to you with what's really important.

7 ways to calm your mind and sleep better

How’s your sleep?
 
Mine’s been shot lately.
 
Some nights I find myself tossing and turning and just can’t turn off my brain. Some nights an anxious chest fluttering will helpfully pop out of nowhere jussssst before bed. Other nights I fall into a deep sleep just fine before waking up perky and refreshed at 2:27am.
 
I suppose I have never slept that much.
 
I fell asleep when I was tired. I woke up when I wasn’t. I kept moving. Honestly, what’s the big deal? I agreed with the philosophy of Wait But Why author Tim Urban who said on 3 Books: “Sleep is boring. Being awake is fun.”
 
But these days that type of thinking gets you in hot water. We seem to have all agreed, yet again, that 7-8 hours of sleep is best and if you aren’t getting that much you’re not far from the guy who never wears a seatbelt. You are a menace to yourself! How can you put yourself at risk when we know children who sleep less are more likely to be obese, lack of sleep results in horrible immune function, and, my favorite, sleeping less than seven hours a night means you’re 12% more likely to have a premature death and sleeping more than eight hours a night means you’re 30% more likely to have a premature death.
 
NO PRESSURE!
 
My point is on top of lack of sleep we’re carrying around anxiety about lack of sleep.
 
The other day I looked back in my journals and realized that I have gone through bouts of low sleep for pretty much forever. It’s the reason I posted 1000 blog posts at 12:01am for 1000 weekdays in a row. In the years after my divorce this practice was originally a sleep aid, too.
 
And it did help.
 
But what about now?
 
Well, after looking back in my journals I also realized I have devised a series of tiny sleep tools, practices, and habits that help me get to sleep during periods of low sleep. (Note I don’t want to call it “poor sleep” or “bad sleep” and be judgmental about it. I think only you know how much sleep you really need and what works for you.)
 
But whenever I’m in a period of low sleep relative to what I want to be getting I try one of these.
 
Here are seven ways to calm your mind and sleep better:
 
7. Read something written over 1000 years ago. Our entire lives are shorter than a flash of lightning on a December night in the long year of eternity. I find it helps me get out of my own head to connect with a voice speaking to me from long, long ago. There is a helpful perspective in recognizing that your present reality isn’t the be all or end all ... of anything. Others have wrestled and processed similar issues many, many times before. Some may find comfort in the Bible, Quran, or Vedas. For me my go-to bedside table books are On The Shortness of Life by Seneca, Letters from a Stoic also by Seneca, and The Art of Living by Epictetus. Lately I’ve also been enjoying The Essential Rumi which is a measly 700 years old but we can say it still counts.
 
6. Clean up your Bedside Window. What’s your Bedside Window? Everything you can see from your bed that’s messy. For me that's my bedside table and dresser. What happens? Well, without regular pruning, my bedside table can quickly look like a library threw up. Tipsy piles of books, homemade bookmarks from my kids, pens and cue cards everywhere. And my dresser somehow becomes an empty chest of drawers underneath a sloppy pile of clothes. My sleep is a lot better when I take five minutes to straighten, tidy, and clean up my Bedside Window. 
 
5. Perform an intense 1 minute workout. Does your body shift into a sort of low-grade state of slow-moving, stomach-bubbling lethargy before bed? That happens to me. The energy dial goes from a 10 during the day to a 7 at dinner to a 5 when I’m putting my kids to bed to a 3 when I’m brushing my teeth. So what’s the problem? It gets stuck at 3. It never gets to a 0. How do I twist the knob all the way down? An intense one-minute workout. Even the name makes it sound doable. It’s just one minute! Imagine you’re a car with a few tiny fumes of gas left in the tank. Want to go to bed on a slow cruise full of big turns and quiet idling? No, you need to run out of gas to come to a full and complete stop. How? By hitting the gas. Here are three 1-minute workouts to hit the gas and putter out before bed:
 
i) jumping jacks x 10, pushups x 10, jumping jacks x 10, pushups x 10
 
ii) squats x 10, lunges x 10, squats x 10, lunges x 10
 
iii), triceps x 10 (hang off a chair by your elbows and lift ), crunches x 10, triceps x 10, crunches x 10
 
(PS. For bonus points, roll a few stressed out muscles on a lacrosse ball when you’re done.)  
 
4. Hang a perspective-setting image near your bed. Have you heard the story of Jerry Seinfeld hanging a Hubble telescope photo of distant galaxies up on the writing room wall during Seinfeld. Why? Because it helped destress the place. Who can stay fritzed out wording a black and white cookie joke when you know what? In the grandest scheme of things: You don’t matter. When discussing the famous image of the pale blue dot Carl Sagan said “Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the Universe, are challenged by this point of pale light.” (longer quote here) A big image that grounds and centers you can help you zoom out of today and focus on something bigger. Right now Leslie and I have an image of our hands holding to remind us we always have each other. Is it a photo of a grandparent who believed deeply in you and gives you strength in yourself? A picture of your favorite place to watch the sunset? Or one of your child laughing to remind you of what matters?
   
3. Pick bedtime novels based on pacing: Years ago my friend Shiv told me she read one David Sedaris essay before bed every night. I remember thinking that was strange. But then I tried it. His words really do have the perfect pacing to lull me to sleep. We don’t talk about pacing in books enough but I think it’s the most important factor in a before bed book. A slow-paced book calms down a fast-paced life. Here are ten books I’ve found to be perfectly paced before bed:
 
The Old Man and the Sea by Ernest Hemingway
The History of Love by Nicole Krauss
To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee
Norwegian Wood by Huraki Murakami
Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng
Gilead by Marilynne Robinson
The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Expury
The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger
Naked by David Sedaris
Little House in the Big Woods by Laura Ingalls Wilder
 
2. Buy a really expensive pillow that fills with water or braided horse hair or something. I’m kidding. Don’t do this. Everyone says you should and I’ve fallen into this trap a few times. At first I’m excited. “My sleep savior has arrived!” or “I have finally found the ultimate sleep hack!” But two nights later I’m tossing and turning. Same with fancy eye masks, creams, or anything that promises quick results. If you want it dark, sure, go ahead, buy a cheap mask from a dollar store. But don’t pour money into fancy pillows, masks, or other hacky tricks that don’t work on the underlying issue of calming down or relaxing your mind. That’s what we’re really aiming for here. I need to repeat #2 so this one doesn’t count.
 
2. Make a Brain Billboard. Be honest with yourself and ask what deep seeded fear is taking hold in your brain stem and rattling you awake whenever you are mildly conscious. I mean the really deep thing. Are you paranoid about money? Love? Connection? We all have fears. They aren’t necessarily rational or logical or even real when we wake up the next day. But they can grab you at night when you’re in your weaker, lower resilience moments and claw at your mind. What’s the solution? Make a little Brain Billboard that addresses the fear directly. Write it like a loving note from your wiser self. Take a cue card, fold it in half, write down the ‘billboard’ to address your fear, and place it on your bedside table. That way it’s the last thing you see before bed and the first thing you see in the morning. So, for example, if you have a fear of money make something like that:

1. Do Two-Minute Mornings or AhhLife. I normally start my day by filling out the three simple prompts in Two-Minute Mornings: “I will let go of…”, “I am grateful for…”, and “I will focus on…” But my wife Leslie has always done it at night. Why? Well, in two minutes before bed she extricates a fear, focuses her mind on positives, and write a focus for tomorrow. Does it need to be Two-Minute Mornings specifically? Of course not. In this video I share how I surround myself with journaling opportunities to pick away at the mental plaque that builds over the day. One of the best is the free email journaling service Ahhlife.com. You get to set the date and frequency you want your email journaling prompt to arrive so I set mine for Monday, Wednesday, and Friday nights at 9pm. Why? Well, because if I’m awake when I get the email it doubles as a go-to-bed reminder. And, if I’m awake and overthinking something I just reply to the email and journal out the plaque. What anger am I feeling? What frustration feels overwhelming? What happened that set me off? It doesn’t need to make sense. It doesn’t need to be rational or any kind of fine prose because it will never be displayed in the Library of Letters erected in your honor after you die. Nobody will read it! It’s just a place to put the thing that may be keeping you up so that it isn’t simmering inside you when you hit the pillow.

So there you have it! 

7 ways to calm your mind and sleep better.

What do you do that isn't on the last? 

Just let me know on Twitter.

#985 Being really proud of yourself for using a bit less toilet paper than usual

"Thank you, tomato." ⠀
⠀
That's what I said while carefully circle-cutting all the wet pink flesh and smooth red skin away from the hard core at the top of my little tomato nub at breakfast the other day. ⠀
⠀
"Thank you for giving me every single edible molecule in your body."⠀
⠀
Then I threw the core in the compost, awkwardly balanced the juicy trapezoidal prisms on top of my melted cheddar and fried egg, and then bit into my sandwich feeling a bit smug.⠀
⠀
I admit I normally slice up just the tomato torso before tossing everything else away. "That would take five seconds of work," I must have thought the first few times, before I stopped thinking about it altogether, before I stopped noticing it at all. ⠀
⠀
But now a giant magnifying glass far beyond the Milky Way is panning across the universe for a closeup on our species. And now I'm suddenly asking, and I'm sure you're asking too: What things do we do that no longer make sense to you? ⠀
⠀
Did you really need to flush?⠀
⠀
Do we really need to rush?⠀
⠀
Can we let our thoughts unhush?⠀
⠀
And live with a little less stuff? ⠀
⠀
AWESOME!

#992 Someone sending you a good idea on how to distract your kids for a solid hour

"We got a good one," Alec said.⠀
⠀
It was almost 11pm and I was wearing a mask standing on the sidewalk about fifteen feet down from him as he sat on a lawn chair on his front porch. Spring blooms lined the path which led about ten feet up to where he sat facing me and the street behind me. I felt a bit like I was suddenly alone in the throne room of a castle about to hear a piece of wisdom from the wise old king. ⠀
⠀
Sidewalks up and down the street were empty. TV screens kaleidoscoped like the northern lights through living room curtains. Flickering streetlights cast a dim yellow shadow over our faces. It felt like the throne room was surrounded by giant stained-glass windows while a lightning storm raged down outside. ⠀
⠀
"Danielle and I both had morning meetings at work so we asked our boys to organize the basement like a zoo. They made tickets, got dressed up, and had to classify and set up all their toys and stuffed animals by habitat. You know, reptile house, boreal forest, Asia pavilion, 'mythical creatures', whatever."⠀
⠀
I loved the idea and looked up at him for the big payoff. ⠀
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He knew I wanted it.⠀
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He waited a moment. ⠀
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And then he smiled. ⠀
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And it finally came. ⠀
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"It took them the whole morning!" ⠀
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AWESOME!

How to Cut All Meeting Time in Half

In November 1955 a strange article appeared in The Economist by an unknown writer named C. Northcote Parkinson. Readers who started skimming the article, titled “Parkinson’s Law,” were met with sarcastic, biting paragraphs poking sharp holes in government bureaucracy and mocking ever-expanding corporate structures. It was searing criticism masked as an information piece. It began innocently enough with the following paragraph:

 “It is a commonplace observation that work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion. Thus, an elderly lady of leisure can spend the entire day in writing and dispatching a postcard to her niece at Bognor Regis. An hour will be spent in finding the postcard, another in hunting for spectacles, half-an-hour in a search for the ad dress, an hour and a quarter in composition, and twenty minutes in deciding whether or not to take an umbrella when going to the pillar-box in the next street. The total effort which would occupy a busy man for three minutes all told may in this fashion leave another person prostrate after a day of doubt, anxiety and toil.”

The thesis of the piece was in the first sentence: “It is a commonplace observation that work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion.” Haven’t we heard advice like this before? “The ultimate inspiration is the deadline,” for instance. “If you leave it till the last minute, it takes only a minute to do.” Or how about: “The contents of your purse will expand to fill all available space.”

Think back to bringing homework home from school on the weekends. There was nothing better than a weekend! But the dull pain of having to do a page of math problems and write a book summary loomed like a faint black cloud over Friday night, all day Saturday, and Sunday morning. I remember I would always work on homework Sunday night. But once in a while, if we were going away for the weekend, if I had busy plans on both days, I would actually get my homework done on Friday night. The deadline had artificially become sooner in my mind. And what happened? It felt great. It felt like I had more time all weekend. A fake early deadline created more space.

How do you cut all meeting time in half?

As part of a job I had at Walmart years ago I suddenly took ownership over the company’s weekly meeting for all employees. It was a rambly Friday-morning affair without a clear agenda, presentation guidelines, or timelines, all in front of 1000 people. The CEO would speak for as long as he wanted about whatever he wanted and then pass the mic to the next executive sitting at a table, who would speak as long as he wanted about whatever he wanted, before passing the mic to the next person. It was unpredictable—and starting at 9:00 a.m., it rolled into 10:00 a.m., sometimes 10:30 a.m., and occasionally 11:00 a.m. People would go on tangents. Nobody was concise. And everyone would leave two hours later in a daze, trying to remember all the mixed priorities they heard at the beginning of the meeting.

So I worked with the CEO to redesign the meeting. We created five segments of five minutes each and set up an agenda and schedule of presenters in advance. “The Numbers,” “Outside Our Walls,” “The Basics 101,” “Sell! Sell! Sell!” and “Mailbag,” where the CEO opened letters and answered questions from the audience.

The new meeting was twenty-five minutes long!

And it never went over time once.

How come? 

Because I downloaded a “dong” sound effect that we played over the speakers with one minute left, a “ticking clock” sound effect that played with fifteen seconds left, and then the A/V guys actually cut off a person’s microphone when time hit zero. If you hit zero, you would be talking onstage but nobody could hear you. You just had to walk off.

What happened? 

Well, at first everybody complained. “I need seven minutes to present,” “I need ten minutes,” “I need much, much longer because I have something very, very important to say.” We said no and shared this quote from a Harvard Business Review interview with former GE CEO Jack Welch:

“For a large organization to be effective, it must be simple. For a large organization to be simple, its people must have self-confidence and intellectual self-assurance. Insecure managers create complexity. Frightened, nervous managers use thick, convoluted planning books and busy slides filled with everything they’ve known since childhood. Real leaders don’t need clutter. People must have the self-confidence to be clear, precise, to be sure that every person in their organization—highest to lowest—understands what the business is trying to achieve. But it’s not easy. You can’t believe how hard it is for people to be simple, how much they fear being simple. They worry that if they’re simple, people will think they’re simpleminded. In reality, of course, it’s just the reverse. Clear, toughminded people are the most simple.”

Then what happened?

Well, with a clear time limit, presenters practiced! They timed themselves. They prioritized their most important messages and scrapped everything else. They used bullet points and summary slides. We introduced the concept by saying “If you can’t say it concisely in five minutes, you can’t say it. By then people doze off or start checking their email.” Have you ever tried listening to someone talk for twenty straight minutes? Unless they are extremely clear, concise, and captivating, it’s a nightmare. 

Everybody got a bit scared of their mic cutting off, so the meetings were always twenty-five minutes.

What happened to productivity?

Well, a thousand people saved an hour every week. That’s 2.5% of total company time saved with just one small change.

How do you complete a three-month project in one day?

Sam Raina is a leader in the technology industry. He oversees the design and development of a large website with millions of hits a day. He has more than sixty people working for him. It’s a big team. There are many moving parts. From designers to coders to copy editors. How does he motivate his team to design and launch entirely new pages for the website from scratch?

He follows Parkinson’s Law and cuts down time.

He books his entire team for secret one-day meetings and then issues them a challenge in the morning that he says they’re going to get done by the end of the day. There is only one day to make an entire website! From designing to layout to testing—everything. 

Everyone freaks out about the deadline. And then everyone starts working together.

“The less time we have to do it, the more focused and organized we are. We all work together. We have to! There is no way we’d hit the deadline otherwise. And we always manage to pull it off,” Sam says.

By spending a day on a project that would otherwise take months, he frees up everyone’s thinking time, transactional time, and work time. There will be no emails about the website, no out-of-office messages, no meetings set up to discuss it, no confusion about who said what. Everyone talks in person. At the same time. Until it’s done! Sure, in-person isn’t easy in a pandemic, but what meetings are you doing that right that are laddering up into other meetings which are laddering up into other meetings? How can more people be brought together on a larger problem to avoid all the friction in between?

So what’s the counterintuitive solution to having more time?

Chop the amount of time you have to do it.

Look at the left of the graph. The less time available, the more effort you put in. There is no choice. The deadline is right here. Think of how focused you are in an exam. Two hours to do it? You do it in two hours! That deadline creates an urgency that allows the mind to prioritize and focus.

Now look at the right of the graph. The more time available, the less effort we put in overall. A little thought today. Start the project tomorrow. Revisit it next week. We procrastinate. Why? Because we’re allowed to. There is no penalty. Nothing kills productivity faster than a late deadline.

What does C. Northcote Parkinson say about waiting to get it done?

“Delay is the deadliest form of denial,” he says.

Have you ever finished a project on time and then the teacher announces to the class that the deadline has been extended? What a bummer. Now, even though you finished at the original deadline, you get the pain and torture of mentally revisiting your project over and over again until you hand it in. Could it be better? How can we improve it?

Calvin says it best:

Remember: Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.

In the around-the-table weekly Zoom call, in the original 1000 person company meeting, in a normal website-development cycle, what invisible liability do you find? Time. Too much of it.

And work expanding to fill it as a result.

What’s the solution?

Create last-minute panic!

Move deadlines up, revise them for yourself, and remember you are creating space after the project has been delivered.

Do only nerds do their homework Friday night?

Maybe.

But they’re the ones with the whole weekend to party.

This article is adapted from The Happiness Equation 

Jack Welch quote is excerpted from “Speed, Simplicity, Self-Confidence: An Interview with Jack Welch” by Noel M. Tichy and Ram Charan, Harvard Business Review, September 1989. Used with permission. 

Calvin and Hobbes strip is © 1992 Watterson and reprinted with permission of Universal Uclick. All rights reserved.

#1002 Any dessert in sandwich form

Let’s do this.

It’s time to break down the top six.

6. The Creamy Zebra

I’m talking about that soft rectangle ice cream sandwich melded into the wall of sinusoidal ice shavings near the bottom of your corner store freezer. Push your paws between popsicles and pre-wraps to grab the sticky surprise from the frozen tundra. Next, drop a couple dollars on the counter before slowly undressing the Wax Paper Tuxedo to reveal your naked bounty: jet-black dimpled cookies melted right onto a factory-chopped rectangle of vanilla ice cream that offers one entirely soft consistency with zero texture variation. 

5. Illegally Sized Oreos

Painstakingly twist apart as many Oreos as you can, slow-peel the sugary goop off of each one, and then rebuild it into a majestic Oreo full of as much of the white stuff as possible for the ultimate sugar to cookie ratio. 

4. The Donut

This is where a freshly fried glazed donut has been sawed in half and stuffed with ice cream, maybe some chocolate, maybe some cinnamon sugar. Yes, it’s an endangered species, but with recent carnival conservation efforts, the donut sandwich is making a comeback. My friend Gillian recently told me about one she ate at a local fair: “It was the hottest, freshest donut,” she began, “and the coldest, creamiest vanilla ice cream.” Her eyes glistened like a honey cruller as she gazed off into the distance. I could tell the donut affected her, moved her in some small way. 

3. The Wild Zebra

This is where you pull off the same black-and-white ice-cream sandwich as The Creamy Zebra except it’s made to order at your own house. You buy crunchy cookies. You scoop fresh ice cream. You put them together. It's all you! None of this store bought garbage. It's the difference between seeing a zebra in the zoo and seeing a zebra on the African plains. The zebras may look the same but they taste completely different. That’s not what I mean. Not tastes like you’re eating zebras from the zoo and you’re also like a zebra poacher who shoots and eats zebras in the Serengeti and you know, those poached wild zebras with real developed running muscles and big swooshing tails, yum yum, they taste way better than lazy, diseased, fat old zebras from the zoo who sit around in the wrong climate for twenty years eating hay bales and candy wrappers. I’m not saying that! I didn't shoot any zebras. Nor did you! Nor should you, I mean. I don’t know anything about zebras. What I do know is you should make your own ice cream sandwiches in your own backyard and then never lazily compare them to something they do not resemble in any way at all other than they happen to have the same colors. Clearly.  

2. Cake Sandwich

There’s a local burger stand near my house that’s only open in the summer due to their lack of roof. But, when they’re open, it’s a special place, because they have rows of picnic tables, a big bonfire, bean bag tosses, a delicious smoky smell, and servers running around holding burgers, dogs, and fries. And when you’re done they always say: “Would you like an ice cream sandwich?” And you say yes, of course, because hashtag yolo. Then they say “Do you want chocolate chocolate, chocolate vanilla, or vanilla vanilla?” And you pick one without fully getting that they’re about to bring you a giant rectangle of (chocolate or vanilla) frozen birthday cake, sliced across the gut, with a perfect rectangle of (chocolate or vanilla) ice cream gently placed inside like some sort of frozen child tucked into sugary sheets. Everyone’s eyes pop when the masterpiece is set down on the checkered tablecloth and then afterwards the bean bag toss goes into a sort of riled and frenzied triple overtime due to blood glucose levels. 

1. The Crazy

This is the one you make at three in the morning in the giggle-till-you-pee-your-pajamas stage of the sleepover. Somebody gets a craving after the Karate Kid marathon but the pizza boxes are just full of crusts and limp green peppers so while your parents sleep upstairs you all slip out of your sleeping bags, pound up the basement steps, flick on the kitchen lights, and pull the waffle iron out of the pantry. Batter splatters, giggles amplify, and a couple burnt forearms later you’re peeling waffle after waffle from the machine. But it doesn’t stop there! Someone sizzles up bacon, maple syrup glug-glugs, and your host finds a leftover stash of Halloween candy. An hour later you’re back into sleeping bags with all your friends leaning around one plate tearing apart a sloppy sandwich full of ice cream, bacon, shaved coconut, and gummy bears. It’s a primal savannah kill short on majesty and long on memories. 

Now! 

These are just a few dessert sandwich possibilities.

We have come so far but the future is bright, my friends.

One day soon we will achieve the Dessert Sandwich Singularity where combinations merge together seamlessly and we can’t even remember which desserts were ever eaten separately.

Do not be afraid of this progress. Do not be worried. 

While there may be job losses at the ice cream parlor or The Cheesecake Factory the truth is our economy is robust and entirely new roles and organizations will be created such as the ice cream cheesecake parlor and The Cheesecake Cold Cut Factory. 

Yes, the future will be magnificent.

The future will be glorious. 

And we all know it will be truly

AWESOME!

I wrote 1000 Awesome Things from 2008 – 2012 which turned into four books. This is #1002 of The Next 1000.

Why we're so bad at predicting what will happen to us in the future

We all think the way things are now is the way things will continue to be. If you’re flying high, that’s not so bad, but if you’re falling, flailing or treading water like many of us right now, then this is a dangerous tendency.

Here’s how to counteract it.

See the failure you’re going through as a step up an invisible staircase toward a Future You in a Future Life you can’t even imagine yet.

The staircase represents your life so far. And you can’t see up the invisible staircase.

Look down behind you. That part is visible. You can see where you came from. All the steps you already walked up.

Look. There’s the time you moved in fifth grade and got bullied by that goon Adam every day after school.

Remember? That’s when you first picked up a basketball and started practicing with Coach Williams every night.

There’s Francesco, the tattooed chef who chewed you out every shift you showed up late to wash dishes at the seafood place as a teen. It was painful but you learned to be on time.

Prom — remember that disaster? I guess that night helped you realize you were gay.

So many steps up to today. Big steps. Hard steps. But steps all the same.

And what’s next on the staircase?

Well, that’s the problem.

No one knows.

It’s invisible. We can’t see the future. And maybe if that were the only problem, that would be okay. But it isn’t. It gets worse.

Why?

Because according to the research, we actually think we can see up that staircase.

Our brains think, “Oh yeah, sure, I know what’s next in my life.” In reality, we suck at it. Let me explain.

In 2013, Science published a fascinating study conducted by the researchers Jordi Quoidbach, Daniel T. Gilbert and Timothy D. Wilson. They teamed up to measure the personalities, values and preferences of more than 19,000 people ages 18 to 68. In a series of tests, they asked the subjects about two pretty simple things: how much they thought they had changed in the past decade and how much they would change in the next decade.

They used a lot of scientific methods to make sure the data were legit, then they published their results. Academic circles started buzzing. Media outlets clamored to share the results.

Why?

Because the results were mind-blowing.

It turned out that no matter how old the respondents were, they uniformly believed that they had changed a ton in the past but would change little in the future.

What?

Imagine a 30-year-old guy telling the tempestuous story of his last 10 years but figuring his next 10 years would be smooth sailing. Imagine a 50-year-old woman talking about how everything had flip-flopped after she turned 40 but then assuming that at 60, she’d be the same person she was now. That was the case for everybody regardless of age, gender or personality.

We all do it.

We all think that the way things are now is the way things will continue to be.

If you’re flying high, that’s maybe not a bad thing, but if you’re falling, if you’re busted, if you’re heartbroken, if you’re lonely, then this is a dangerous psychological tendency. And we all share it.

When we’re at rock bottom, we are certain that there’s no way up. We think we’ll never get out of our parents’ basement. We think our divorce means we’ll never meet someone new. If we’ve lost our jobs, we think we’ll be scrolling online postings forever.

The researchers called this the “end of history illusion.” We think everything will remain unchanged from here on out.

Why did those researchers study go to the effort of 19,000 people? Gilbert went on NPR’s Hidden Brain and explained, “You know, like everybody, I suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. You know, we have divorces. We have surgeries. We have breakups with women we love and friends we enjoy. So it was sort of ordinary events that befell me all in one year. And I realized that, had you asked me a year earlier how I would be faring, the answer would have been, ‘Oh, my gosh, I’ll be devastated.’ But I wasn’t devastated…. And it made me wonder if I was the only person who was just too stupid to be able to look ahead into his future and figure out how he’d feel if really bad or maybe really good things happened.”

There it is. The invisible staircase.

Even Gilbert, the famed Harvard psychologist and professor, the author of bestselling books such as Stumbling on Happiness, even he forgets that the rest of the staircase is invisible. He went through a flop or two and figured, “Well, darn, my life’s gonna suck forever.” But it didn’t.

Inevitably, everything we go through in life really is a step to help us get to a better place.

It’s hard to see it this way. But we have to, because this study helps us realize we’re prone to catastrophizing. That alone should be enough to zoom backward in your brain and go, “Wait a minute here. I’m tricking myself! Who’s to say I won’t get out of the basement? Meet someone new? Land a plum gig I love?”

See it as a step.

Gilbert ended up figuring out that when it comes to predicting the future, we’re all stupid. Each and every one of us.

Doesn’t that feel better?

This research reminded me of an HR job I had where I had to escort bosses into meeting rooms whenever they had to fire an employee. I was there for paperwork, for witnessing, for emotional support. I was in the room when dozens of people got fired, and it was awful. There were tears and wet tissues and many afternoons when I’d be consoling someone in a freezing parking lot as they loaded up their trunk with framed pictures from their desk saying “I thought I’d be here forever” and “What am I going to do now?” and “I’ll never find another job.”

Those scenes left me heartbroken. I lost a lot of sleep over them.

Sometimes I’d bump into the former employees years later. And what did they tell me? “Getting fired was the best thing that happened to me! If I hadn’t gotten that severance package, I never would have had those crucial six months to spend with my dad before he died.”

Or: “I traveled to Peru and became a nutritional supplement importer, and I love what I’m doing now!”

Or: “I’m working at a smaller company now, and I’ve gotten promoted twice in two years!”

Or: “I used my severance pay to take the time to be with my daughter and son-in-law in the months after her third miscarriage.”

Why did every fired employee tell me this? Why did they all react so positively after some time had passed? How can that happen?

Because we confuse the challenge of picturing change with the improbability of change itself.

We do.

We confuse the challenge of picturing change (“What am I going to do now?”) with the improbability of change (“I’ll never find anything!”).

In other words, you can’t picture yourself changing so you assume that you won’t.

Why?

Because your seeing skills are shit!

And so are mine. So are everyone’s. You think because you can’t see up the staircase there aren’t any more steps. But there are more steps.

And change will come.

It always does.

That’s why it’s so hard to see change as a step. To see this failure, this flop, this difficult life experience as part of a process, as part of a greater whole. It’s hard to see it as a step because you can’t see the next step. And you sure can’t see 10 steps after that.

Why do we always think failure leads somewhere bad? It’s not true. It rarely is. Remember the end of history illusion. Our brains think this is the end. Remember all those people I met after they were fired saying how positive that left turn ended up being?

It’s me, too. How could I have known that failing at P&G would somehow lead us to having the conversation we’re having right now? I couldn’t have. Believe me, I far prefer having this conversation to doing price analysis on eye shadows and mascaras. But when I flamed out there, I pictured myself sleeping in a pile of club sandwich crusts in Cleveland.

So be kind to yourself.

When you’re there, when you’re stewing in the shock of failure and loss, when you’re convinced you’re stuck, when you’re convinced there’s no way forward, just remember: There’s a staircase you’re not seeing. Trust that it’s there, right in front of you, and that it leads to exciting new places. Have the courage to believe in this one thing that you can’t see.

There are so many steps ahead. So many steps. Don’t stop. Shift the spotlight, and keep moving.

It’s very possible and very likely that what you’re going through is a step toward a future you’ll be happy with. But you just can’t see it … yet.

An earlier version of this article was published on TED.com

25 of the best books to read during Coronavirus

Have you heard?
 
The world is ending.
 
Or at least it appears to be.
 
Stock markets crashing, countries locking down, and everything sold out at the grocery stores. Well, almost everything.

Who else has been slowly looking around their place thinking: “How long can I really last in here?”, “Why didn’t I build that bunker when I had the chance?”, or “What do you mean nobody can find the can opener?”
 
Well, I put together a list of 49 things to do during the Coronovirus and now I’d like to offer 25 of the best books to read during Coronavirus. (Clearly all my writing these days ends in “during the Coronavirus” so please do reply and send me suggestions or others you’d like to see.)

These 25 books are a place for you to open your head and carefully put your mind for a while if, like me, yours just can’t stop spinning right now.
 
Let’s get into it:

25. The Floor Is Lava: 99 More Games for Everyone, Everywhere by Ivan Brett. Do you have kids bouncing off the walls already? Then you need this book. Remember that game you played when you were a kid where you pretended the floor was lava and you had to jump between all the couches and coffee tables to avoid melting into the Earth’s molten core? Well, I never really thought about it but the most beautiful thing about that game was that you didn’t need … anything. Nothing! You didn’t need a thing. This book is a wonderful collection of games like that. Leave it beside the dinner table.

24. The Road by Cormac McCarthy. I know what you’re thinking. Dark, right? First three lines on the back: “A father and son walk alone through post-apocalyptic America. Nothing moves in the ravaged landscape save the ash on the wind. It is cold enough to crack stones, and when the snow falls it is gray.” Yes, you’re right, it’s dark. But it is also touching. Because even though this phenomenally tight and sparse classic doesn’t sound like the heartwarmer you need right now it will produce deeper feelings of appreciation, gratitude, and love for what you do have right now.

23. The Black Swan: The Impact of the Highly Improbable by Nassim Taleb. Coronavirus is a black swan event. What’s that? A highly improbably event that is a) unpredictable, b) carries massive impact, and c) results in, after the fact, everyone baking up explanations to make it appear less random and more predictable than it really is. This is the book I have thought about over the past few weeks more than any other. It is absolutely essential reading to make sense of these times and (more importantly) help yourself prepare for even more of them in the future. (Bonus: Nassim Taleb is very active on Twitter and offers a lot of insight / rage on what is happening on Coronavirus.)

22. Civil Disobedience and Other Essays by Henry David Thoreau. I am not a big fan of social media or politics but if you’ve been followingmy Twitter account lately you’ve seen a sudden change in my behavior on both counts. I believe Coronavirus is too big a topic to be publicly silent about. (Inspiration from Seth Godin here.) I flipped open this book on civil disobedience for some guidance and inspiration and I think you should, too. Especially if you have a platform or a voice or are a leader people turn to in your family and team. And then, after you’ve read it, stick around for the the fantastic essay “Walking” which is wedged in the back like a cone-shapped chocolate nugget at the bottom of a Drumstick. I love walking and that essay jostled my mind even more. Here’s a link to the full text online. Walking! Sexier than ever.

21. Before After by Matthias Arégui and Anne-Margot Ramstein. Does it feel like your life is cleaving into Before Coronavirus and After Coronavirus phases? This book has no words and offers a metaphorical reflection as you ponder personal changes. On the left side of a page is an acorn. On the right side is an oak tree. On the left side of a page is a bud on a branch. On the right side is a fresh peach. On the left side is a fresh peach. On the right side is a rotten bug-infested peach that was left unpicked. You get the idea. If you’re intrigued, scroll to the end of this YouTube video for a peek inside. 

20. Meanwhile: Pick Any Path by Jason Shiga. Did you like Choose Your Own Adventure books when you were a kid? If so, you’ll love this post-modern graphic novel with 3856 story possibilities (3856! seriously!) all told through images and rampant flipping between pages. It’s head-twisting, it’s frenetic, it’s mad-scientist, but if you’re into puzzles or games (or your child is) then this is for you. Like any great game, it is absolutely absorbing, frustrating, and rewarding at the same time.

19. The Thousand Autumns of Jacob De Zoet by David Mitchell. Do you want to disappear? Do you want to go somewhere really far away for a while? How about Japan in the year 1799? I highly recommend this book. Whenever I start telling people about author David Mitchell I catch myself saying “Have you heard of Cloud Atlas? He wrote that!” and then they usually go “Oh! Oh yeah, that was that movie with Tom Hanks, right?” Yes, Cloud Atlas did turn into a movie with Tom Hanks and Halle Berry, and yes it’s wonderful and crazy escapist too, but I personally found it a lot less accessible than this one.

18. Solitude: In Pursuit of a Singular Life in a Crowded World by Michael Harris. Are you living in your head too much right now? Are you getting a bit lost in there sometimes? I am. And if you’re with me then we both need to work on our ability to be in solitude. If loneliness is “alone and sad” then solitude is “alone and happy.” Michael Harris peels back the layers of this incredibly subtle life skill to show us why it’s crucial to master, what gets in the way, and how we can reorient ourselves in the distraction machine we live in. (PS. This book made my Best Of 2018 list.)

17. Thinker Toys: A Handbook of Creative-Thinking Techniques byMichael Michalko. Are you feeling the tectonic plates below your business, workplace, or livelihood groaning? Are you already feeling like it’s going to be a long road to recovery or something more like this changes everything? If you are chomping at what’s next then this handbook of ways to poke and prod your own thinking is a great book to flip through to jostle your own thoughts.

16. SeinLanguage by Jerry Seinfeld. Can you believe Jerry Seinfeld has only written one book ever? Yes, it’s true. He’s reported to have another one out this fall but, until then, this is all we got. Even though it’s 30 years old it completely holds up. If you need some laughs to distract you, why not call up the most successful comedian in the world to help?

15. Little House in the Big Woods by Laura Ingalls Wilder. Okay, you’ve hung out in the 1700s so now it’s time to hang out in the 1800s. A hypnotically vivid autobiographical description of growing up in rural Wisconsin from shooting panthers to smoking meat in hollow tree trunks to playing catch with pig bladders. There is no plot. There is no crisis. There’s just 238 pages in 18-point font of vivid memories weaved into a captivating tableau that makes you feel like you’re living another life. Another fantastic dose of escapism. Written in 1937 as the first book in the famous “Little House” series. According to the wonderful folks at Common Sense Media it’s perfect for anyone age 7 and up. Yes, I read it for the first time recently and loved it. (ThanksGretchen Rubin.)

14. Naked by David Sedaris. About ten years ago my friend Shiv told me she read a David Sedaris essay every night before bed to help clear her thoughts. I remember thinking that sounds weird! But then I tried it. Turns out she’s right! This is something so soothing about David’s slow and paceful writing. The laughs always feel like a surprise even though you know they’re coming every three sentences. I can’t think of an author who grows on you more over the years. Btw, since you asked, popping out of the book in the pic above is indeed the thank you postcard David Sedaris sent me (!?!?) after I interviewed him for 3 Books.

13. Tribe: On Homecoming and Belonging by Sebastian Junger. A friend said to me the other day “Despite the physical seclusion my parents are thrilled I’m suddenly calling them every day.” Who else is feeling a pull back to their tribe? When our tenuous global connection feels short-circuited many of us likely lean back into the tribes which we know for sure we belong. This short book combines history, psychology, and anthropology to share why our tribal connection has been largely lost in modern society and why regaining it may be the key to our psychological survival. In the words of a hockey movie trailer, or this movie trailer this book may matter now more than ever before…

12. Walkable City: How Downtown Can Save America, One Step At A Time by Jeff Speck. Since I brought up Thoreau’s “Walking” earlier let’s tap that nail a little deeper here. Do you ache for simpler times? Walkable neighborhoods? Small town living? I just finished this book I’ll post a longer review in my monthly book club but, suffice to say, Jeff’s voice is fresh, funny, and whip smart, and he will leave you convinced that almost nothing is as important as creating a rich walking life.

11. Moby Dick by Herman Melville. I freely admit this is the only book on this list that I haven’t read. But I want to! I’ve read the first 100 pages a couple times. I like it! But I crumble under its weight. And that’s exactly why I threw it on here. It’s so I could ask you a general question: What is your personal white whale book? Moby Dick? Lord of the Rings? The Count of Monte Cristo? Infinite Jest? What gigantic tome can you finally grab from the basement, dramatically blow the dust off the cover, and place firmly on your bedside table? Because now is time for that book, everybody. Now is that time.

10. The Moth. Loneliness is up! It was already up before Coronavirus but hailing “social distancing” as the new norm for a while has certainly jacked loneliness stock even more. (Sidenote: We should be calling it physical distancing not social distancing. Can we start doing that? Sure, yes, absolutely, keep far apart from everyone. That’s how we stop the virus. But we need to call, text, and connect more than ever before.) If you miss the feeling of hanging out with friends at a bar over a sticky pile of chicken wings then I recommend grabbing The Moth (or the wonderful follow-up All These Wonders) and letting yourself feel like you’re back in the ripped plastic booth under the neon Amstel Light signs. These are stories told live and without notes to standing-room crowds around the world. They will sound like the best story you’ve heard all night when you’re out with friends.

9. Rework by Jason Fried and David Heinemeier Hansson (DHH). Jason Fried and DHH run a famously 100% remote organization called Basecamp. They also are incredible writers who have treated their company as a management test kitchen. If you’re trying to figure out new ways of operating then this is a great thought-provoking primer on what’s possible. (They also wrote a follow-up more specifically about remote-working)

8. Linchpin: Are You Indispensable? By Seth Godin. Pairs well with Rework above (which features a blurb from Seth Godin on the cover). I debated whether to put this or The Dip on here but I think if your employment is feeling shaky then this is the better one to start with. No matter what happens, you own you. Challenges are coming. That’s for sure. But you own you. And this is a guidebook to jacking up your confidence, unlocking boxes you didn’t realize you were sitting inside, and seeing your strengths and opportunities with fresh eyes.

7. Hatchet by Gary Paulson. Do you feel like you just crash landed in the Canadian wilderness and you’re all alone right now? And you need to figure out how to collect your wits and sort yourself out to make it through this trying time? Well, that’s exactly what happens to 13-year-old Brian Robeson in this YA book about survival and determination.

6. The Book of Awesome by Neil Pasricha. My own book? What the hell? Well, I’ve actually been feeling a lot of deja vu over the past couple weeks. I began writing 1000 Awesome Things in 2008 during a very similar feeling period … crashing stock market, rising unemployment, a sort of “anxiety everywhere” cloud floating above us. (That was on top of my own inner world, of course.) The daily blog posts I wrote to cheer myself up and provide a getaway for the everyday eventually got stapled together into this book.

5. There Is No Good Card For This by Kelsey Crowe and Emily McDowell. Emily McDowell out-Hallmarks Hallmark. Her incredible cards over at Emily McDowell and Friends are wonderful, beautiful, and inspiring. (Get a dose on her Instagram, too.) Elizabeth Gilbert calls this book ‘a wonderful crash course in Humanity 101… shows you how to show up as the best possible version of yourself when it matters most.’ A great I find myself turning to again and again. (PS. Check out my conversation with Emily here.)

4. On The Shortness of Life by Seneca. If you’ve followed my stuff for a while you know I’ve talked about this little 2000-year-old essay many times. I keep a copy in my suitcase. In stressful times it seems to give me much needed comfort and grounding. Given that it’s 2000 years old the whole thing is out of copyright and available online here. (If you like this and want another dose of stoic philosophy I recommend The Art of Living by Epictetus.)

3. Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston. If you are looking for a book of ultimate redemption over struggle then here it is. Zora Neale was born in Alabama in 1891 and published this novel about a Southern black woman’s journey to independence in 1937. Born from a rape and raised by her grandmother who was a slave, it’s an incredibly epic tale of her life which (I promise) ultimately rewards at the end.
 
2. Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol S. Dweck. A lot of what happens to us over the coming weeks and months is going to come down to mindset. How are you able to see what happens to you? A deeply researched book that will help you develop a growth mindset across all spectrums of life from business to parenting.
 
1. Somebody Loves You, Mr. Hatch by Eileen Spinelli. We got a letter in our mailbox last night from somebody on our street who’s offering to help anybody, with any errand, at any time. How beautiful is the tightened togetherness during tragedy? How are your neighbors doing and how can you help? And, a bit less discussed, what are the ripple effects of your help? This children’s book helps show that impact. It’s a tear-inducing story of a lonely old man who receives a giant box of chocolates from a secret admirer which helps him become a loving citizen, friend, and neighbor. When it turns out the box was delivered to the wrong address, he quickly returns to his glum and depressed state. But the people he began loving haven’t forgotten all that love and the book closes with them lifting him back up. For ages 5–8 or, you know, anyone who wants to cry while putting their kid to bed.

49 things to do if you're staying home due to Coronavirus

Have you heard of the Dracula Sneeze?
 
It’s one example of social distancing being recommended these days along with conference cancellations, work from home policies, and school closures.

In many places it’s all adding up to more home time, family time, kid time, and together time.
 
If you have a break, how do you embrace it?
 
Today I’m sharing 49 things to do if you’re staying home due to Coronavirus:
 
49. Build an amazing couch cushion fort

48. Organize the Tupperware drawer

47. Finally scroll through your Camera Roll to pick out a dozen favorites to print for a photo wall
  
46. Make a lightbulb vase

45. Garden

44. Start a Reading Challenge with your kids (some ideas here)

43. Read The Story of Us at Wait But Why

42. Do a 7-minute workout

41. Finally clean out that basement storage room
 
40. Make a mix tape or mix tape playlist 

39. Order this book and make paper airplanes
 
38. Listen to 3 Books (start with David Sedaris, Angie Thomas, or Seth Godin)

37. Prune your apps
 
36. Read all 1000 awesome things
 
35. Pick names out of a hat and paint that person’s toenails
 
34. Read the “Little House” series with your kids
 
33. Learn how to play chess

32. Go down a 92nd Street Y rabbit hole
 
31. Pick one of “26 very long books worth the time they’ll take to read”
 
30. Plan an epic board games tournament
 
29. Make a Maze Book
 
28. Watch David Foster Wallace’s “This is Water” commencement speech
 
27. Throw an indoor picnic
 
26. Go for a walk and wave at everyone from a distance
 
25. Pick something you know more about than most people and edit the Wikipedia page
 
24. Pick a year and watch all the Best International Feature Film nominees
 
23. Pick a country and plan an International Dinner Night with new recipes and music

22. Take Yale’s popular free online course “The Science of Well-Being”
 
21. Or another free course
  
20. Pick a blog you love and commit to reading the entire Archive (try this, this, or this)
 
19. Craft and mail a postcard to PostSecret
 
18. Write one of those late 90’s-style giant essay updates emails to a friend. Say you don’t need a reply

17. Organize your books in the Dewey Decimal System (use this and this to help)

16. Download Merlin and become a backyard birder (For inspiration, read this.)
 
15. Watch the most popular TED Talks of 2019
   
14. Pick one of the (growing) 1000 most formative books to read

13. Put together a care package for a friend or family member

12. Do a yoga class 
 
11. Go on a long nature walk in the woods

10. Pick a room and rearrange all the furniture

9. Start journalling using Two-Minute Mornings or Ahhlife.com 

8. Fix something that's been broken forever 

7. Build a stack of pancakes that looks just like the front of the box

6. Organize your filing cabinet, hard drive, or recipes 

5. Make a bird feeder out of things lying around your house

4. Paint 

3. FaceTime Grandma

2. Check in on your neighbors
 
1. Forward this email to a friend and pick something to do together

3 steps to developing a happier mindset

While researching resilience for You Are Awesome I found that in order to become more resilient, you need to cultivate a positive mindset first. Why? Because the stronger we are mentally, the better we are able to bend -- not break -- when challenges come.

A positive mindset is like Optimism Insurance. It helps soften every blow you get from a nasty email, friend letting you down, or bad news story flying across the headlines.  

So how do we develop a happier mindset?

Let me answer in three steps:

Step 1: Flip your happiness model

Our parents lied! They said they wanted us to be happy but then also encouraged us to go to a good school, find a good job, and work hard for a promotion. Sure, everyone’s parents are different but I would argue that most of us hear some version of this model told to us as children:
 
GREAT WORK → BIG SUCCESS → BE HAPPY

You know, study really hard, get good grades, go be a doctor! (Are my Indian roots showing?) Or simply work really hard, get a promotion, then be happy!

The first step to cultivating a positive mindset is flipping this model.

Based on research I share below, how does developing a happier mindset really work?

BE HAPPY → GREAT WORK → BIG SUCCESS

Yes, it’s the opposite! A phenomenal paper called The Benefits of Frequent Positive Affect: Does Happiness Lead To Success? shows that if you're happy first... then you do great work, because you're happier doing it! You're 31% more productive, have 37% higher sales, and are three times more creative, amongst a host of other benefits.

So Step 1 is realizing that cultivating a positive mindset needs to happen first … and not as the result of work or success. 

Step 2: Commit to a “20 for 20” happiness challenge

So we know we have to be happy first. But… how? Does anyone just wake up in a good mood every day? I don’t! Most people don’t. We have to work at it. It's like yoga. A practice. The goal isn’t to be perfect … the goal is to be better than before.

Luckily there are dozens of positive psychology studies that give specific, tactical practices that we can use to cultivate this mindset.

I often challenge people to commit to a “20 for 20” challenge which means you take one of these practices below and commit to doing it for 20 minutes a day for 20 days in a row. By then you have created a new happiness practice that will be harder to stop.

What are some of the practices? I’ve listed five of my favorites below together with one study on each. Remember: These all take 20 minutes or less a day. And it’s a multiple choice question. You don’t have to do them all! Just pick one.

Journaling about the highlights of your day

In a University of Texas study called “How Do I Love Thee? Let Me Count the Words,” researchers Richard Slatcher and James Pennebaker had one member of a couple write about their relationship for twenty minutes three times a day. Compared to the test group, the couple was more likely to engage in intimate dialogue afterward, and the relationship was more likely to last. What should you write down? Simply a laundry list of the highlights of your day. If you aren't the pen and paper type then try the free email journaling service Ahhlife.com. 

Take a nature walk (or another exercise you like) 

The American Psychosomatic Society published a study showing how Michael Babyak and a team of researchers found three thirty-minute brisk walks or jogs can improve recovery from clinical depression. Yes, clinical depression. Results were stronger than those from studies using medication or studies using exercise and medication combined. Can you commit to going for a jog 20 days in a row or going for a walk in the woods? If you can get into nature the phytoncides released from trees can reduce adrenaline and cortisol (a stress hormone) in your body. (More on this from the paper "Effect of forest bathing trips on human immune function")

Reading 20 pages of fiction

A 2011 study published in the Annual Review of Psychology showed that reading triggers our mirror neurons and opens up the parts of our brain responsible for developing empathy, compassion and understanding. What does EQ help with? Becoming a better leader, teacher, parent and sibling. (Sidenote: This big a-ha on reading is one of the reasons I launched my podcast 3 Books … where I interview folks like David Sedaris, Judy Blume, and Malcolm Gladwell about which 3 books changed their life. Trying to help find that always elusive next great book to read.)

Playing “Rose Rose Thorn Bud” around the dinner table

My family and I play a game called Rose Rose Thorn Bud almost every night. Essentially, we take turns sharing two roses (what we’re grateful for), a thorn (what didn’t go well that day), and a bud (something we’re looking forward to). I wrote a longer article on Rose Rose Thorn Bud here and made a video on it here, too.

Singing 

A study published in Evolution & Human Behavior found that choral singing calms the heart, boosts endorphin levels, improves lung function, expands pain thresholds, and decreases reliance on pain medication. Choral singing was even found to elicit feelings of inclusion, connectivity and positivity, and fosters social closeness in a group. Can you join a church choir or develop a sing-a-long playlist to jam with your kids during school dropoff or pickup? 

Step 3: Swap negative inputs for positive inputs

Our brains crave bad news. 

We have 200,000 years of evolution programmed into our brains that have perfected the art of looking for problems, finding problems, and solving problems. It's why we rubberneck on the highway, it's why if it bleeds it leads, it's why, in the words of author and media critic Ryan Holiday, "MSNBC's real goal is to glue you to a television screen and sell you Subarus." We get addicted to that hit as our amygdala constantly scans the world for problems. No wonder sometimes that's all we see!

So what's Step 3 to developing a happier mindset? 

Swap negative inputs for positive inputs. Cancel your newspaper subscriptions, unfollow all news sites on social media, swipe left on your iPhone and scroll down to disable the News Widget that automatically pops up. (Here's a WikiHow article on disabling iPhone News with more detail.). What's the goal? Swap superficial knowledge of "many bad things every single day" for deeper knowledge on the things that matter to you most. How? Through reading books. And, signing up for emails that actually serve and honor your attention instead of mining it for ads. (Here are 10 I personally read and recommend.)

Don't worry. After you ditch the news you'll still know what's going on. It's impossible to avoid all the TV screens blaring in the corner of every elevator, dentist office, or airport lounge. You may know less about what's going on but you'll be consciously trading that in for deeper knowledge, greater wisdom, and, yes, a happier mindset. 

What are the three steps to developing a happier mindset? 

Step 1: Flip your happiness model

Step 2: Commit to a "20 for 20" happiness challenge

Step 3: Swap negative inputs for positive inputs

Do you think you can do it? 

I know you can do it.  

Start right now.  

And good luck! 

3 ways money can buy you happiness

John Lennon was wrong.

Love isn’t all you need.

A famous study in 2010 by Princeton’s Woodrow Wilson School said making money helps make you happier … up to $75,000 a year. Sure, we can debate the study endlessly. How do they define happiness? How do you define happiness? What if you live in a big expensive city compared to a more affordable small town? What country and currency? And what about in today’s dollars?

But let’s not get lost in the debate.

Can we agree going from struggling to making ends meet to actually making ends meet would make you happier? And that going from making ends meet to having some extra money beyond that would, too?

If so I think the better question really is: How can you spend your money to be happier?

Well, I have just the answer for you! Here are three ways you can spend money to be happier:

1. SKILL

Go online and sign yourself up for painting, ballroom dancing, or figure skating classes. Why? Well, I’m going to be really honest with you. You suck at a lot of things. Your chocolate-making is subpar at best, nobody has seen you mix a decent Manhattan, and your balloon animals are pretty terrible – except, I guess, for your snake.

There’s a lot of research that shows that when we grow, we are happier. Don’t we know this deep down? We all love feeling the burn and reward of learning and then mastering something new. Why are you reading this article? Our minds are always trying to learn. We like it. We crave it.

My friend Michael is a successful author and entrepreneur and last year he told me he signed up for a standup comedy course on a bit of whim. You know what? That’s perfect! Why? Because he had never done standup comedy. He was awful at standup comedy. But he spent the money and felt it would be wasted if he didn’t go. So he went! And by the end? He had put together a tight five-minute set which he happily emailed around to his friends.

Money well spent.

2. SOCIAL

I’ve shared before how my wife Leslie and I each have one “night out” a week. I have a Neil’s Night Out. She has a Leslie’s Night Out.

What do we do?

Well, I’ll get dinner with an old friend, go to a play with my mom, or maybe go to a bookstore to hear an author talk about her new book. Even if it’s with a roomful of people I don’t necessarily know I come home with the feeling of growing and deepening relationships.

Harvard professor Daniel Gilbert wrote the book Stumbling on Happiness. He says if we strip ourselves of everything we think defines us — our genders, nationalities, religions, even our health — it’s really the strength of our relationships with our friends and family that truly affects our happiness levels.

Is there a couple you and your partner have been meaning to invite out for a dinner? A brother- or sister-in-law you can go on a random movie night with? Are you willing to go on Meetup.com and take part in a random social event with a group of strangers? Or pay to join a local Toastmasters Club?

All of them will make you happier. 

3. SWEAT

Sweat once a day.

I suck at softball but that didn’t stop me from joining a softball league with some friends a few years ago. Yes, I have been demoted to right field after letting every ground ball go through my legs. But it means once a week at least I’m guaranteed to run around. Joining the team cost $125. And it pays off in spades.

The American Psychosomatic Society published a study showing how Michael Babyak and a team of doctors found that three 30-minute brisk walks or jogs can improve recovery from clinical depression. That’s right, clinical depression. And the results were actually stronger than studies using medication or studies using exercise and medication combined.

Sweating is a science-backed prescription for happiness. Grab a yoga membership. Sign up for kick-boxing. Join a dodgeball league. Or just buy some nice running shoes and start running around the block.

Does money buy happiness?

Well, it can.

Just remember the 3 S’s.

Buy a skill, invest in social nights, and sweat it out.

Fancy cars, sexy threads, and flashy purses can wait.

What we all need are your balloon animals.

Check out the video version of this article

The secret tool everyone can use to develop self-confidence

We know we shouldn’t listen to our critics. We know we should do things for ourselves. Morihei Ueshiba, founder of the Japanese martial art aikido, said, “As soon as you concern yourself with the ‘good’ and ‘bad’ of your fellows, you create an opening in your heart for maliciousness to enter. Testing, competing with, and criticizing others weaken and defeat you.”

So why do we listen? What makes us interested in external measurements? Why do we take outside rankings, results, or opinions over our own opinion of ourselves?

There is a root issue. An underlying reason. There is one issue that many of us have, that I know I have, that is at the basis of why we jump at external rankings. The root issue is . . . our lack of confidence. Self-judgment. We get lost in our own heads, we get confused with mixed advice, so we follow what we see. The root issue is self-confidence. And we’re going to solve this root issue together right now.

“Every single day I come to work I feel like I’m a failure.”

Twilight shone through the glass window and dim lights lit up leather chairs and the shiny lacquered desk as I sat staring in disbelief at my Harvard Business School leadership professor as he smiled wryly through wet, shiny eyes.

Tenured Harvard Business School professors have bachelor’s degrees, master’s degrees, and PhDs, and they finish at the top of their class in all three! They make six-figure salaries and consult and speak on the side to earn even more. And they’re teaching at Harvard! A not-too-shabby résumé bullet point.

So why did my Harvard professor consider himself a failure?

“I walk up to my office door every morning and see that the professor in the office to my left has a Nobel Prize . . . and I know I’ll never have a Nobel Prize,” he continued. “And I see that the professor in the office to my right has written twelve books . . . and I know I’ll never write twelve books. I haven’t even written one. Every single morning I’m reminded how inferior I am and it kills me.”

I looked at him and could tell he was smiling and trying to make a point . . . but I could also see there was some truth in his words. After all, in his world, all his major accomplishments are neutralized by his peers. Piles of degrees, million-dollar bank ac- counts, prestigious jobs—all just par for the course.

The secret scribble to increasing your confidence

What is confidence and how can we become more confident?

Time for the confidence scribble.

Let’s talk about your opinion of yourself. It can be high or low. Sure, it will flip-flop all the time. But let’s say in any instant it can be high or it can be low. Does confidence just have to do with your opinion of yourself?

No!

Most people think it does. But we always have an opinion of others, too. What do you call people with a high opinion of themselves and a low opinion of others? They’re not confident. They are . . .

Stuck-up. Egotistical. Bigheaded. Arrogant people are not confident because they don’t understand that having a high opinion of others doesn’t lower their opinion of themselves. They are affected by other people’s confidence! It makes them feel weak. So they try to lower that confidence while increasing their own. Remember the school yard bully who actually feels bad about himself deep down? This is the guy we’re talking about here. This is the guy who feels the need to be better than others in order to be good at all.

Next box. What do you call people with a high opinion of others but a low opinion of themselves?

We’ve all been there! We think greatly of other people and believe ourselves to be “lesser than.” You feel this way when you stare at a group photo and say something like “Oh my God! I look hideous! I look huge! You look great, though.” Talk about beating yourself up. High opinion of others. Low opinion of yourself. Insecure.

Now, what do you call people with a low opinion of themselves and a low opinion of others? No high opinions of anyone at all!

We’ve all been here, too. Bad days, bad bosses, big mistakes. We can get into a funk and see problems everywhere. We become cynical. The cynic isn’t confident. Cynical is the furthest thing from confident! As Conan O’Brien said on his final episode hosting The Tonight Show, “All I ask of you is one thing: Please don’t be cynical. I hate cynicism—it’s my least favorite quality and it doesn’t lead anywhere.”

What’s left? What do the truly confident people have? They have a high opinion of themselves. And! They have a high opinion of others. That is the true definition of confidence.

The secret tool to increasing your confidence is the confidence scribble. We will all float around these boxes over and over but the key is taking a second to pause, stand back, and ask yourself where you are right now... and how you can help your mind navigate to the top right box.

Buddha says, “You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”

Check out the video version of this article

A slightly different version of this article is excerpted from The Happiness Equation

Why you can’t fully live until you’ve accepted death

How do you deal with knowing that one day you’ll die?

I’ve been getting asked this question more and more lately.

It’s why I read so many books on death. It’s why I write so much about The Deathbed Test.

So, how do I deal with knowing that one day I’ll die?

I embrace it.

Fully. 100%.

Embracing death, and living an intentional life as a corollary, I’ve actually realized is the underpinning of all my thinking, all my books, my TED Talk, and just how I try (try) to show up every single day as a son, brother, husband, father, writer, speaker, and fellow human being.

My whole thing is about intentional living.

Because here’s how I think about it:

One day I will die. One day you will die. One day our grandparents will die and our parents will die and our kids will die and their kids will die and their kids will die and their kids will die. The guy cutting you off in traffic? He’ll die. The lady calling you at dinner selling you a credit card? She’ll die. The cashier at the corner store? Dead. Every teacher you’ve ever had, everyone who’s ever woken up beside you, every actor in every movie, every politician in every country… will all be dead. In the blink of an eye.

The average lifespan is 30,000 days.

That time is always, always ticking.

And you will never be as young as you are right now.

So what does that mean?

Well, you have two choices.

You can either be horribly depressed by this thought.

You can feel as though nothing really matters since we are all ashes to ashes and dust to dust in the end. The game is already over! What’s the point? Of this? Of anything? Who cares? Why try? Or, if you do care or do try, maybe it’s because you feel like this weird life on Earth thing is some kind of ‘waiting room’ or ‘test’ towards a higher ideal or better place where we live for infinity after this life is done.

Or:

You can be incredibly liberated by this thought.

We are all going to die! So? This really matters. This! Right here. It really matters. Today really matters. The voicemail you leave for your mom? It really matters. The note you put in your kids lunch? It really matters. Putting your phone away to really connect with your family over dinner? It really matters. The smile you share with a neighbor? It really matters. The art you’re making? The risk you’re taking? The cake you’re baking?

It really matters.

It really matters.

It really matters.

All of it.

It does.

Because there’s not much time.

So in this limited time we have here, in the limited minds we have here, all swimming somewhere inside this vast expanding universe — which, reminder!, we really have no idea what it even is and how it got here and why we got here — our only job, duty, and goal is to live every single day like it is so precious and beautiful and special and rare and fleeting and finite …

… because it is.

And because this matters.

It really matters.

The choice of being horribly depressed or incredibly liberated is up to you.

An earlier version of this article appeared on Apple News

7 ways to read (a lot) more books this year

How many books do you read a year?

For most of my adult life I read maybe five books a year — if I was lucky. I called myself a reader! I told people I was a reader! But in reality I’d just read a couple on vacation and have a few slow burners sitting on the bedside table for months.

But then a few years ago I surprised myself by suddenly reading 50 books. And last year I read well over 100. I have never felt more creatively alive in all areas of my life. I feel more interesting, I feel like a better husband, I feel like a better father, and my writing output has dramatically increased.

Amplifying my reading rate has been the lead domino that’s tipped over a slew of others.

I’m disappointed I didn’t do it sooner.

Why did I wait 20 years?

Well, our world today is designed for shallow skimming rather than deep diving, so it took me some time to identify the specific changes that skyrocketed my reading rate. So how did I 10x my reading rate? Well, I did seven specific things that I think you can do, too.

Here they are:

1. Centralize reading in your home

Back in 1998, psychologist Roy Baumeister and his colleagues performed their famous “chocolate chip cookie and radish” experiment. They split test subjects into three groups and asked them not to eat anything for three hours before the experiment. Group 1 was given chocolate chip cookies and radishes, and were told they could eat only the radishes. Group 2 was given chocolate chip cookies and radishes, and were told they could eat anything they liked. Group 3 was given no food at all. Afterward, the researchers had all three groups attempt to solve an impossible puzzle, to see how long they would last. It’s not surprising that group 1, those who had spent all their willpower staying away from the cookies, caved the soonest.

What does this have to do with reading? I think of having a TV in your main living area as a plate of chocolate chip cookies. So many delicious TV shows tempt us, reducing our willpower to tackle the books.

Roald Dahl’s poem “Television” says it all: “So please, oh please, we beg, we pray / go throw your TV set away / and in its place, you can install / a lovely bookshelf on the wall.”

The first step to reading more is moving your TV to the basement. My wife Leslie and I did this and then installed a bookshelf on a wall near our front door. Now we see it, walk by it, and touch the bookshelf dozens of times a day. And the TV sits dormant unless the Raptors are in the playoffs.

2. Make a public commitment

In his groundbreaking book Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion, Robert Cialdini shares a psychology study showing that once people place their bets at the racetrack, they are much more confident about their horse’s chances than they were just before laying down the bet. He goes on to explain how commitment is one of the big six weapons of social influence. So why can’t we think of ourselves as the racehorses? Make the bet on reading by opening an account at Goodreads, friending a few coworkers or friends, and then updating your profile every time you read a book. Or put together an email list to send out short reviews of the books you read. I do exactly that each month, with my Monthly Book Club Email. I stole the idea from bestselling author Ryan Holiday, who has a great reading list.

3. Find a few trusted, curated lists

Related to the above, the publishing industry puts out over 500,000 books a year in english alone. Do you have time to sift through 1000 new books a week? No, nobody does, so we use proxies like Amazon recommendations. But should we get our reading lists from retailers? If you’re like me, and you love the “staff picks” wall in independent bookstores, there’s nothing as nice as getting one person’s favorite books. Finding a few trusted, curated lists can be as simple as the email lists I mentioned, but with a bit of digging you can likely find the one that totally aligns with your tastes. Some good lists are from Bill Gates, Reese Witherspoon, Andrew Luck, and Derek Sivers.

4. Change your mindset about quitting

It’s one thing to quit reading a book and feel bad about it. It’s another to quit a book and feel proud of it. All you have to do is change your mindset. Just say, “Phew! Now I’ve finally ditched this brick to make room for that gem I’m about to read next.” An article that can help enable this mindset is “The Tail End,” by Tim Urban, which paints a striking picture of how many books you have left to read in your lifetime. Once you fully digest that number, you’ll want to hack the vines away to reveal the oases ahead.

I quit three or four books for every book I read to the end. I do the “first five pages test” before I buy any book (checking for tone, pace, and language) and then let myself off the hook if I need to stop halfway through.

5. Take a “news fast” and channel your reading dollars

I subscribed to the New York Times and five magazines for years. I rotated subscriptions to keep them fresh, and always loved getting a crisp new issue in the mail. After returning from a long vacation where I finally had some time to lose myself in books, I started realizing that this shorter, choppier nature of reading was preventing me from going deeper. So I canceled all my subscriptions.

Besides freeing up mindshare, what does canceling all news inputs do? For me, it saved more than $500 per year. That can pay for about 50 books per year. What would I rather have 10 or 20 years later — a prized book collection which I’ve read and learned from over the years…or a pile of old newspapers? And let’s not forget your local library. If you download Library Extension for your browser, you can see what books and e-books are available for free right around the corner.

6. Triple your churn rate

I realized that for years I’d thought of my bookshelf as a fixed and somewhat artistic object: There it is, sitting by the flower vases! Now I think of it as a dynamic organism. Always moving. Always changing. In a given week I probably add about five books to the shelf and get rid of three or four. Books come in through lending libraries in our neighborhood, a fantastic used bookstore, local indie and chain stores, and, of course, online outlets. Books go out when we pass them to friends, sell them to the used bookstore, or drop them off at the lending library. This dynamism means I’m always walking over to the shelf, never just walking by it. As a result, I read more.

7. Reapply the 10,000 steps rule

A good friend once told me a story that really stuck with me. He said Stephen King had told people to read something like five hours a day. My friend said, “That’s ridiculous. Who can do that?” But then, years later, he found himself in Maine on vacation. He was waiting in line outside a movie theater with his girlfriend, and guess who was waiting in front of him? Stephen King! His nose was in a book the whole time in line. When they got into the theater, Stephen King was still reading as the lights dimmed. When the lights came up, he pulled his book open right away. He even read as he was leaving. Now, I haven’t personally confirmed this story with The King himself but I think the message is an important one either way. Basically, you can read a lot more. There are minutes hidden in all the corners of the day, and they add up to a lot of minutes. In a way, it’s like the 10,000 steps rule. Walk around the grocery store, park at the back of the lot, chase your kids around the house, and bam — 10,000 steps.

It’s the same with reading.

When did I read those five books a year for most of my life? On holidays or during long flights. “Oh! A lot of downtime coming,” I’d think. “Better grab a few books.”

When do I read now? All the time. A few pages here. A few pages there. I have a book in my bag at all times. In general I read nonfiction in the mornings, when my mind is in active learning mode, and fiction at night before bed, when my mind needs an escape.

Slipping pages into all the cricks and corners of the day adds up.

So let me ask you some blunt questions: Are you really ready to 10x your reading rate? Are you prepared to make sacrificial lambs of your TV and newspapers? Are you ready to quit more to read more? Are you ready to publicly commit to the world?

I hope so and I hope some of these steps help.

Happy reading.

21 Awesome Things About The Holidays

Deck the halls with boughs of awesome.

Here are twenty-one awesome things about the holidays. Let's get into it:

  
Plugging in the Christmas lights from last year and having them all work 

Nope, not even a year twisted into a ball of knots in the basement could take the sparkle out of these bright little bulbs. So untie them slowly, hang them quickly, and help get the whole neighborhood shining.

AWESOME!


When the neighbor shovels that little patch of the sidewalk

Sidewalks bring us together.

Fences split yards, lawns divide homes, and invisible property lines are scribbled on dusty blueprints in city archives. But somehow those little strips of concrete tie us all together and connect the dots between our lives.

It’s a beautiful moment when a friendly neighbor shovels the snow off of your walk after a winter snowstorm. Swaddled in snow-packed mitts, sweaty scarves, and salty boots, they’re just lending a helping hand of kindness and some friendly season’s greetings.

AWESOME!


When construction cranes get Christmas lights on them

They’re not selling anything.

Nope, Christmas lights on construction cranes just smile down on the city and cover us all in a warm and festive light. Flickering in the sky, flashing way up high, they hug us all together in a friendly yellow glow.

On top of that, it’s sort of fun thinking about how they got there too. Doesn’t it seem kind of dangerous? It’s like someone risked their lives just putting up lights for the people.

Thanks Spiderman!

AWESOME!


The Holiday Party Save

Do we need all those parties?  

Sure, we all love catching up with close friends in Christmas sweaters, but sometimes the office party feels like a meeting with veggie trays, and clinking drinks with second cousins gets old. Face it—there are times when you need to be saved, my friends. Yes, the Holiday Party Save happens anytime a friend yanks you from a bad holiday party conversation by pulling off a thrilling and daring rescue mission.

Here’s how it all goes down:  

Step 1: The Plan. Say tonight you’re heading to your uncle’s annual Christmas party with your new boyfriend. As you both walk into Stranger Conversation Territory, it’s important to make that deal up front: You save them, they save you. Don’t forget to shake.

Step 2: The Signal. You’re trapped! When you find yourself listening to neverending vacation stories, getting detailed stock-picking advice, or hearing about someone’s thesis, it’s time to get out. Signal your friend with an eager Smile ’n’ Raised Eyebrows glance, casual Nodding Head-Tilt beckon, or if absolutely necessary, a booming bloodcurdling “Get over here!” scream, like Scorpion in Mortal Kombat.

Step 3: The Save. Here’s the tricky part. Your friend comes over and has two options. First, they can play False Emergency and drag you away while apologizing to the chatty strangers. This is risky because it could look forced and you’ll need to disappear rather than just talk to someone else. Instead, they can try The Natural, which is where they drop a nice, normal transition into the conversation. “Should we go grab some food?” “Linda just got here, let’s say hi,” or “Where’s the bathroom?” usually work well.  

Remember: When you’re stuck, when you’re stranded, when all you see is gloom, just yell for your brothers and sisters and let them pull you across the room.  

AWESOME!


When that kid crying at the mall isn’t your kid

There’s nothing like a good old-fashioned holiday hissy fit in an elbow-to-elbow packed mall to help soothe your fraying nerves.

Whether it’s the snotty-nosed toddler wailing on Santa’s lap, the sweaty snowsuit screamer on the floor of the toys section, or your everyday baby bawler yelling to the food court heavens, it doesn’t matter.

It’s just a migraine moment in the middle of mall mayhem.

And whether you’re taking care of your baby brother, babysitting the neighbors, or wheeling around your own mutant offspring, we’ve all been there. We all know the stress, we see the staring eyes, we all know the pain, and . . . we do sympathize.

But it’s still great when that kid crying in the mall just isn’t your kid.

Hark! The herald angels sing.

Glory to the kid free king.

AWESOME!


Pulling out that old box of Christmas ornaments from when you were a kid

Let’s go back.

Crack open that musty cardboard box from the basement storage space and get ready to brainwarp back to the big eyes and bright lights of your youth. Yes, yank out that twisted clump of yarn, ceramics, and construction paper and get ready for a sweet stroll down memory lane. Hopefully your old box features some of these classics:

1. A chipped ceramic you painted in elementary school. Maybe it’s the shiny Santa Claus that you doused in too much lacquer back in third grade. The brush strokes make his beard look gray, and one of his eyeballs has a blue smear that makes him cross-eyed. But his smile still holds and that little ribbon you knotted through his hat is perfect for hanging him back up on the tree.

2. Homemade ornaments featuring some combination of construction paper, popcorn, and glitter. When you were young you cleared off the kitchen table and set up a home workshop where you stitched popcorn, glued sparkles, and taped up little rolls of construction paper. And even though the reds have faded to orange and the glitter has cracked away, there’s something beautiful about pulling out those squashed rings, baby handprints, or crayon drawings and letting your brain slip back to simpler days.

3. The hundred-year-old hand-me-down. You’re lucky if you have one of these wood-carved gems bouncing around the bottom of the box. Someone’s Great-grandpa whittled a toy train engine or rosy-cheeked soldier from some softwood and delicately painted it to perfection. Maybe the tree it’s carved from is two or three hundred years old and fell from the woods of a distant forest. High fives if you agree this beats the neon plastic from the dollar store any day.

Yes, when you pull out that box of Christmas ornaments from when you were a kid, it’s like taking a magical mystery tour back to your childhood. It’s a brief headtrip out of your serious grown-up body into the Freaky Friday fun times of yesterday.

AWESOME!


When strangers wish you happy holidays

Holidays are stressful. Gift shopping, mall hopping, money dropping, and through it all you’re planning in-law sleepovers, giant family dinners, and complicated travel plans.

It’s nice in these roaring revved-up moments when a complete stranger catches your eye and wishes you a heartfelt happy holidays.

Whether it’s the cashier at the grocery store, the receptionist at your gym, or the lady getting a perm beside you at the salon, it’s nice scoring that warm little season’s greetings to remind us we’re all chasing the same ol’ thing.

That’s right: Love, big hugs, family time, and cozy company right when we need it most.

AWESOME!


That moment near the holidays when there’s suddenly cookies, chocolate, and candy everywhere

Let’s get fat together.

Roll those rum balls, sprinkle sparkles on the shortbread, and dump the bulk bag of candy canes in the crystal dish by the secretary’s desk.

AWESOME!


Flipping channels and stumbling on that one Christmas special you loved as a kid

It’s a wonderful life.

When you’re bunkering in the basement to get away from the holiday madness upstairs, it’s always nice when the channel flipping pops you onto your favorite old flashback.

Which classic gem burrows into your heart?

1. That Rudolph stop-motion special. Sam the Snowman (no relation to Frosty) narrates this epic tale of outcasts Rudolph and Hermey the Elf as they stumble through the North Pole meeting Yukon Cornelius and the Abominable Snowman before taking refuge on the Island of Misfit Toys. Never forget the moral of the story: Follow your heart and become a dentist.

2. A Charlie Brown Christmas. Like most Charlie Brown cartoons, this one features monotone voices, confusing plots, and dry humor. Thankfully, jazzy piano music and dancing kids make it all come together.

3. Any non-Christmas movie that takes place during Christmas. Sure, Bruce Willis crawling around office ducts in Die Hard might not seem festive, but listen closely to the background music and you’ll hear some Christmas tunes. Let’s throw in Lethal Weapon, Gremlins, and Batman Returns, too.

4. How The Grinch Stole Christmas. All the Whos living in Whoville have a serious problem in that there’s a freakish monster living in the cliffs above their romantic mountain town — dramatically reducing property values by the day. If you don’t love the big rhyming sing-a-long finish to this one, your heart is officially three sizes too small.

5. Frosty the Snowman. Poor Frosty just doesn’t have the personality of Sam from the Rudolph special. And since they always air this one with Rudolph, the inferiority of Frosty jumps out even more. Honestly, if Frosty is your favorite old Christmas special, then I feel sorry for you. You had a rough childhood.

6. Whatever special is on the same time as Frosty on the other channel. A Garfield Christmas, John Denver and the Muppets, or Will Vinton’s Claymation Christmas automatically win.

Finding your favorite holiday special from when you were a kid is like uncovering a hidden stash of buried treasure at the bottom of the sea. It doesn’t matter if you’ve seen it a hundred times, have it on your computer, or own the DVD, either. There’s just something sweet about feeling like it was waiting there at this very moment … and feeling like the stars all aligned to give you a brief little dose of

AWESOME!


The Super Present Power Shop

You’re running late.

When it’s almost Christmas and there’s nothing under the tree it’s time to furrow your brows, steady your glare, and clench those fists for a big Super Present Power Shop.

Yes, this is where you bust into the mall in a sweatshirt-and-running shoes tornado and spin around at high speeds until successfully finding something for everyone on your list.

Black Friday’s long gone, online delivery windows are closed, and now it’s crunch time. Here are some tips to pulling it off:

• Good parkin’ is good startin’. Circling the frozen tundra in lot WW is a fool’s game. No, you need to find the secret YMCA entrance, get a drop off and pick up, or arrive ten minutes before doors open to score a front spot. Don’t forget The PLPT.

• Skip the coat, grab the kicks. Leave your winter jacket in the trunk and sprint across the icy lot to the front door because thirty seconds of frozen lungs is worth avoiding three hours of overheating. Plus, those running shoes will help you run and dive for the last Baby Farts-A-Lot in the toy store.

• Plug in. Stuff some headphones in your ears and rock out to 2Unlimited or Technotronic to stay motivated. Remember: Nothing slows you down more than hearing Santa Baby for the third time in an hour so pump up the jam and let’s move this.

• Couples for couples. If you have couples on your list just divide the number of gifts by two. Beer mug for him, wine glasses for her? No, martini shaker for both. You get the idea.

• Close your list, open your mind. Focus is important so jot down your names and ideas before hitting the stores. Just make sure to leave your mind open for things to jump off the shelves. Breath mints,  People magazines, and IKEA golf pencils all make lovely stocking stuffers.

• Bag a Monster. It’s important to ask the first store you visit for the largest bags they have. They should go fishing for a couple minutes and pull out the king-sized ones normally reserved for toaster ovens and dehumidifiers. Use those monster to eat everything else you buy all day.

Okay, listen, listen — these are just a few tips to get you going. As you start perfecting your Power Shop you’ll grow more advanced techniques like stuffing your pockets with peanut butter sandwiches, phoning for inventory checks while waiting in lines, and buying someone a sled so you can drag all your presents from shop to shop.

But no matter what kind of Power Shop you pull off, one thing’s for sure: when you crash back into your couch surrounded by full bags and a crossed-off list well… it’s time to unclench your muscles, droop your eyes, and just smile back slowly at your mall-conquering moment of

AWESOME!


Putting a Santa hat on your pet or grandparent

It’s party time.

And those Christmas sweaters are just the beginning.

I mean sure, tossing on a thick woolly for the holiday party is a sure way to spread the cheer — especially if your sweater features hypnotic swirls of red and green, a giant floating snowman head, or an intense action sequence of Santa flying his reindeer through a blizzard.

But to really get that party going and that eggnog flowing you’ve got to crank it up a notch. Yes, we’re talking about tossing a Santa cap on your golden retriever or grandpa, we’re talking about tossing one on your labradoodle or grandma, and we’re talking about everyone donning their gay apparel to whip this holiday bash into a whole new level of

AWESOME!


Snow falling on Christmas eve

Jumbo snowflakes falling thick and heavy on Christmas Eve is a special sight. They blur the world for a moment and lay a fresh blank canvas over everything. So if you’re sitting inside listening to carols on the radio, munching Christmas cookies, or chatting with family and friends, take a moment to look out the window and just enjoy the scene.

AWESOME!


Ripping your present open like a wild animal

First, some apologies.

We’re sorry, Endurance Wrapper. You spent thirty minutes getting the present just right with your scissor-frilled ribbons, crisply folded corners, and those adorable little bows. You put time in and we didn’t respect that with our raccoon-with-rabies slaughtering of your gift.

We’re sorry, Auntie Paper Collector. We know you quietly keep all the discarded bows and paper to fold back into little piles for next year. Nobody minds the creased sun-faded reindeer wrapping paper because we know you’re saving money and the planet. But this time we didn’t leave you with much. Unless you’re collecting saliva-smeared scraps, squashed boxes, and torn bows.

We’re sorry, Garbage Collecting Dad. We see you trudging around the living room with the World’s Lightest Garbage Bag, scooping up all the tiny bits of tissue paper and sticky ripped price tags. We know your job would be a lot easier if all presents moved to a Gift Bag Only Policy.

We are very, very sorry to you all.

And now that we’ve apologized our conscience is clear.

Because the truth is we love ripping presents open like a drugged-up reindeer.

AWESOME!


Trying on your new clothes as soon as you unwrap them

Stiff creases, unhemmed pants, and itchy tags can’t dent your mood.

Now it’s time to change real fast, clear the kitchen runway, and strut your stuff in a private fashion show for your friends and family.

And dog.

AWESOME!


The In-law Nap  

The In-law Nap is any nap you manage to pull off at the in-law’s house. As long as it’s not during Thanksgiving dinner, Christmas present unwrapping, or while the birthday cake is served, it is a completely legal nap and fully counts as spending quality time visiting the in-laws.  

Whether you skip out on setting the table, ditch helping with the dishes, or just miss a couple hours playing cards with Grandma . . . it doesn’t matter.  

All that matters is you pulled it off.  

Yes, you answered a phony phone call in the other room for twenty minutes, you snuck into the kid’s fort and fell asleep in the cushion barracks, or you hid on a pile of jackets and scraggly blankets in the spare bedroom.  

All that matters is you pulled it off.  

All that matters is that you’re  

AWESOME!


Drinking with Grandma

It’s time for some intergenerational egg nogging.

Get ready to light the yule log, sail the gravy boat, and get your eighty-five pound grandmother a sloshy glass of rummy nog.

Now, whatever your age, whatever your tastes, whatever your pleasures, whatever your fates, let’s all agree on one thing today: grabbing an occasional festive drink with your mom’s mom or your son’s son bridges boundaries and crosses divides.

Once upon your time your grandma used to boogie. Once upon a time your grandma threw it down. I’m saying before you danced on tables, she danced on them, too. And before you learned to mix things, she was mixing two.

So when the holidays hit and the families combine it’s time to bring out the punch bowl and time to have a good time. Because we’re not here forever and we’re not here very long. We don’t get many chances so toss one back before granny’s gone.

I never knew my grandparents but I heard stories they were great… so I know if they were here now we’d party hard before it got too late.

AWESOME!


When your guests do the dishes even after you told them not to  

It’s time for Christmas dinner.  

Yes, sweaty and flushed, you run around baking bread and breaking eggs before that doorbell bing-bongs, the guests ping-pong, and everyone sits down to eat up your delicious holiday meal.  

Of course, you enjoy the dinner—you love it, it’s great—but you don’t really enjoy it. No, you’re running around refilling glasses, folding napkins, scooping seconds, warming pies. You’re cleaning crumbs, wiping babies, and keeping an eye on The Kids Table. While everyone sits and chats, you’re a Tasmanian devil of dining room insanity, whipping into a whirlwind and making sure everyone enjoys their meal.

By the end, you’re completely and utterly exhausted. Your bones are bleeding, your skin is stinging, and your body is aching for a tender hug from a cushy couch.  

That’s why it’s great when your guests offer to do the dishes after the meal.  

“No, no, no,” you say. “Sit down, sit down, sit down.”  

But they insist, but you insist, but they insist, but you insist, but they insist . . . and then finally you just stare back at them with hollow, broken eyes and give up.  

Now you crashland on the couch, listening to carols as your guests fill the sink and bubble up the suds. And what a beautiful moment of sweet relief it is when you walk back in there and see everything sparklingly clean.  

Plus, for the rest of the week you get to enjoy the Treasure Hunt that comes with finding your own dishes in all the wrong cupboards. But it’s no big deal, so just smile and enjoy those Gravy Boat Rescue Missions and Wooden Spoon Search Parties with a smile.  

Yes, this one goes out to guests who wash the dishes even after we told them not to. Today we say thanks for the love, thanks for the memories, and thanks for scrubbing the crusty stuffing dish.  

AWESOME!


When the Christmas tree gives the only light in the room

Turn out the lights.

Pull the curtains open and watch as jumbo snowflakes drift past the window, snow-covered kids walk by dragging sleds, and winter winds whisper through the evergreens. Smell the turkey crisping in the oven, listen to scratchy carols spinning in your head, and hear footsteps from the family slowly come together in front of the sparkling tree…

Swipe your daughter’s bangs as she lies in your lap, smile at grandpa sipping eggnog on the ottoman, or cuddle up with your cousins in a pile of cozy blankets and comfy sweats on the couch.

Sip that crystal glass of eggnog, sniff the pine of the tree, and relax and share a quiet moment of bliss with someone touching your hands … or your heart.

AWESOME!


Successfully regifting a present to someone who wants it  

What do cellophane-wrapped mugs of mini candy canes, Season 3 of Mr. Belvedere on DVD, and framed photos of someone else’s dog have in common?  

They’re just what we never wanted.  

But that’s okay, that’s okay—because someone else might! Yes, now it’s time for some Regifting Magic, people. It’s time to regift like you’ve never regifted before. You’re a regifting machine if you follow these three steps to freedom:  

1. Smile sweetly. Never look a gift horse in the mouth. Instead, look them in the eyes while saying thank you over and over. You may also find it helpful to practice these lines (for these items): “I’ve been meaning to try that place!” (gift card to Taco Bell), “How did you know I liked this shade of green?!” (puke green sweater), and “It’s perfect, it’s perfect—honestly, how have I even been wearing shoes all these years?!” (shoehorn).  

2. Add it to your gifts-to-give pile. When you get home, make sure to write a thank-you card promptly and then toss the gift in the closet with your motorized self-twirling spaghetti fork, Streetlamps of the World page-a-day calendar, and novelty light-up ceramic angel. Let your inventory bulk up a bit so you’ve got good regift variety, and be sure to hide the stash from future regiftees. Post-it Notes with the name of the person who gave it to you can also help prevent the dreaded Boomerang Gift. Don’t let it happen to you.  

3. Annnnnnd . . . regift! Remember that one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. When you look at it this way, it feels like you’re doing very important gift-giving charity work. You’re a misfit present coordinator! Now, you need to be about 90 percent sure the regiftee will love the present. After all, there’s nothing wrong with gift cards to Taco Bell and light-up ceramic angels. It’s just that one goes to your backward-cap skateboarding rascal of a little cousin and the other goes to your Grandma who loves tacos.  

AWESOME!


Driving around town to see all the Christmas lights

Every city has a street.

It’s the quiet cul-de-sac where all the neighbors play it big for Christmas and decorate their homes with the greatest light show the world has ever seen. Word gets out through the local paper or radio station and soon everyone knows it’s just the place to go for a late night cruise down Neon Light Lane.

It’s the one place everyone enjoys traffic jams.

Sitting bumper to bumper around the quiet crescent, you push your hat above your forehead, press your mittens to the window, and stare out at the twinkling scene. Reds and greens flicker and flash on your darkened face as snow reflects classy floodlights, roofs beam with strings of white, and inflatable Santas bob and wave from the middle of lawns.

And there’s always one house that is just a bit better than the rest. It’s probably the family that got the parade route started with the big splash every year. I like thinking the neighbors leaned on their shovels with furrowed brows when they first saw lights spelling Merry Christmas being draped across the roof, but over time their Grinchlike hearts melted and they felt the Christmas spirit themselves.

Somehow over time the street grew and grew and grew until it became the sparkly beauty we see today. There’s something fun and something sweet about bundling up and just driving down the street. Hear the carols softly on the radio, feel the smiles in the car, and just take a moment to relax and remember how lucky we are.

AWESOME!


The sound of snow crunching under your boots

Dim streetlights cast blurry shadows for your cold walk home.

Snow-packed mitts, floppy wool hat, and a drippy, sniffly nose cover your shuddery frame as you shuffle down empty side streets on your way to the cozy warmth of your waiting bed. Everything is an eerily pitch-perfect silence buried under a shadowy sheet of bright white. Pine trees sway softly, Christmas lights flicker, and the biting air ice-scrapes your frost-nipped nose.

Somehow the solid crunch of your winter boots against the packed road snow fills the night with a relaxing and familiar sound that marks tiny little progress towards cuddling up under warm blankets and falling deep asleep.

Like cracking frozen puddles, pushing soft drink lid buttons, or popping a spoon in a jar of peanut butter, the sound of snow crunching under your salty winter boots scratches a primal itch that just feels so satisfying.

So stuff your hands in your pockets, curl your head to your chest, and crunch loud and crunch proud deep into the dark, winter night.

AWESOME!

Earlier versions of some of these appeared in 1000 Awesome Things and The Book of (Holiday) Awesome

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Feeling anxious about the holidays? Check out this video on how to deal with social anxiety at family gatherings during the holidays:

The Very Best Books I Read In 2019

Welcome to my third annual list of “The Very Best Books I Read This Year.” (Here are my 2017 and 2018 lists.)

Now, books make great gifts but if you want some other intentional living gift ideas check out my Unconventional Christmas Gift Guide.

These are my favorite books I read this year. I hope you find one or two you like.

Happy holidays,

Neil

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19. The Common Good by Robert B. Reich. Think of a beautifully safe small town where nobody locks their doors. Now imagine the first person who comes through breaking and entering. Pretty easy pickings! Nobody locks their doors. Trust plummets. Arms race erupts. Locks. Security systems. Video cameras. This type of trust evaporation and arms racing has happened everywhere and Robert Reich gives an incredibly lucid portrait of exactly what happened when to get us where we are now. I call it trust, he calls it the common good, but either way, this is a vital read to help understand the world we live in. (Sidenote: One of my highlights of 2019 was giving a SXSW talk with Frank Warren called “Building Trust In Distrustful Times”. I used this book to develop some ideas in that talk.)

18. Alice’s Adventures In Wonderland by Lewis Carroll. I read this book as a child… and stopped. I didn’t like it. I read this book as a teen… and stopped. I didn’t like it. I read this book this year… and couldn’t stop. I loved it. Proof a book has to catch you at the right time. My whole life I thought Alice was a children’s book and … it’s not! The twisted references, complex mind games, and crazy absurdism are deliciously adult but baked into simplistic prose. But just because something looks like vanilla pudding doesn’t mean it’s not crème brûlée, you know what I mean? There is so much layered complexity here. Did you know Lewis Carroll was an Oxford-educated mathematician? Just read this section on Wikipedia about the style, themes, and allusions in this book. A hundred pages of bliss. Hope it catches you at the right time.

17. Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng. A picture-perfect family in Shaker Heights, Ohio is slowly peeled back to reveal all sorts of spaghetti-noodle machinations on the inside. You will feel love, you will feel pain, and (best of all) you feel yourself rubbing against bigger ethical questions that will make you wonder “What would I do in that situation?” A book that will bubble in your blood. (PS. Get it before they ruin the cover ... set to debut as a mini-series starring Reese Witherspoon in 2020!)

16. Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry by Mildred D. Taylor. Like Little House in the Big Woods by Laura Ingalls Wilder, this is an autobiographical scenescape book. It tells the story of a young black girl growing up in rural Mississippi in the 1930s and serves as a deeply immersive vitamin for growing empathy. Characters pop, dialogue crackles, and it reads like an action movie with the constant acceleration to the finish. I finished it in the middle of the night and then let out a huge deep breath. (Sidenote: This is one of The Hate U Give author Angie Thomas’s three most formative books.)

15. Savage Season by Joe R. Lansdale. This book felt like a Quentin Tarantino movie. Two loudmouth, straight-talking friends down in the Texas countryside get sucked into a bumbling plot to find some lost money and everything goes horribly wrong. Fast-paced action, snappy dialogue, and a constantly swerving plot. You’ll feel dizzy and satisfied at the end. And like a Quentin Tarantino movie, it’s definitely Rated R. A great book to escape into another world.

14. Birds Art Life: A Year of Observation by Kyo Maclear. A fragile, unique, small memoir of discovering urban bird watching while wrestling with middle age. On its surface, this book seems … strange. A memoir of urban bird watching? But there’s more here. Portlandia co-creator Carrie Brownstein says “We’re living on a million tiny stages. Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, Facebook, YouTube. Dinner plates are showcases for our food, beds become venues for our slumber, selfies are curtain calls for our faces.” And as Kyo writes in this book “our economic growth model that assumes if you make something small (unless it is boutique and artisanal, and thus financially large or monumentally miniature), it is because you are somehow lacking and frail.” That is simply not true. We need to reject that idea as our world amplifies into 10x-ing everything, moonshots, and scale. This is a quiet, meditative book about life’s tiny beautiful things. A grounding perspective reset when the world feels too big.

13. P Is For Pteradactyl: The Worst Alphabet Book Ever by Lushlife aka Raj Haldar. A is for Aisle. E is for Ewe. T is for Tsunami. And below each beautifully illustrated drawing is a tricky, head-scratching sentence. Like for the letter T it says: “The charging tsunami washed away all of Tchaikovsky’s tchotchkes.” The world is never what it seems. This book pulls up that curtain nicely for children.

12. Totto-chan: The Little Girl at the Window by Tetsuko Kuroyanagi. This is a non-fiction book that feels like a fairy-tale. Originally published in 1981 in Japan (where it sold nearly 5 million copies in its first year) it was finally translated to English thirty years later. Kuroyanagi was one of Japan’s most popular TV personalities for decades and this is a memoir of her childhood of joining a completely unconventional school near Tokyo during World War II. If you believe that trust and control are inversely related (like I do) you will love this book. You can read it as an innocent story of an unconventional childhood or a prickly indictment of the entire factory-style education system.

11. The Person and the Situation: Perspectives of Social Psychology by Lee Ross and Richard E. Nisbett. Years ago I was watching an NFL playoff game when they flashed a graphic onscreen that stuck with me. They showed two quarterbacks, drafted the same year, with the same type of college cred. One of them had one head coach on one team over his entire career and had been a huge success and won a handful of Superbowls. The other had the pleasure of playing under something like a dozen coaches across half a dozen teams. And guess what? Pretty much zero success. And we all hail the first guy as a hero! Best quarterback of all time! But is he? Is it really the person that we can objectively see here? Or is it the situation? What if I told you that when you perceive the actions and intentions of others you are pretty much mostly wrong? You do what we all do! You overvalue the person. And you undervalue the situation. This is a Big Idea book that will reorder how you look at the world. It will lay out the fallacies, assumptions, and leaps of logic you are constantly making. And it will do so in a kind, warm-hearted, empathetic, grizzled old professor type of way. It feels like you are sitting in a great college class. (Sidenote: This is one of Malcolm Gladwell’s three most formative books. Our 3 Books chat is right here.)

10. Meanwhile: Pick Any Path by Jason Shiga. Did you like Choose Your Own Adventure books when you were a kid? If so, you’ll love this post-modern graphic novel with 3856 story possibilities (seriously!) all told through images and rampant flipping between pages. It’s head-twisting, it’s frenetic, it’s mad-scientist, but if you’re into puzzles or games (or your child is) then this is for you.

9. Comedy Sex God by Pete Holmes. I try to read across as many genres as I can but one genre that’s been largely missing is the Celebrity Memoir. It’s not that I don’t like celebrities. It’s not that I don’t like memoirs. It’s just that I don’t like the celebrity memoir. Why? I guess I’m cynical about them. The book often feels part of a larger marketing plan cooked up in a Hollywood boardroom. Somebody’s having a moment! And so there’s movie billboards, an 8-episode podcast, a Vanity Fair feature, and, yes, a crappy book. Why do I go on this rant? Because Pete Holmes (Crashing, Dirty Clean, You Made It Weird) is a celebrity. And this is a memoir. But it’s not a celebrity memoir. It’s an incredibly well-written and hilarious coming-of-age story from a comedian at the top of his game. This book comes at you fast with a lot of uncomfortable moments and Pete’s unflinching honesty. The book talks about (yes) comedy, sex, and God because everything Pete does is underpinned by this gigantic gnawing “What is this?” feeling that we should really have about the whole universe. What is the universe? Why is it expanding? Expanding into what? Why are we here? How did we get here? What happens next? These are huge questions most of us put out of our mind to get through the day but Pete keeps touching and tapping up against them in this beautiful book.

8. Less by Andrew Sean Greer. When writer Arthur Less gets an invitation to his ex-boyfriend’s wedding he decides to accept a slew of half-baked authorly invitations around the world rather than shamefacedly attend as the awkward dateless former lover. What follows is an incredibly hilarious and woven tale through distant countries. First off, it feels like you are visiting everywhere he goes. How does he pull this off so well? You’re in Morocco, you’re in India, you’re in Japan. You’re traveling. You’re right there. You feel it. Second, it’s hilarious and laugh-out-loud maybe sorta like Barney’s Version or A Fraction of the Whole or Catch-22. And, finally, the finishing move: the entire book is written by an eloquent first-person-floating-over-the-scene narrator whose identity isn’t revealed until the final pages.

7. The Power of Myth by Joseph Campbell with Bill Moyers. In the mid-80s, near the end of his life, famed professor and mythologist Joseph Campbell (Hero With A Thousand Faces) sat down at George Lucas’s Skywalker Ranch to record a six-hour PBS special exploring his ideas on religion, spirituality, symbolism, our connection to the planet, our connection to our past, and our existence in the universe in one super long conversation with journalist Bill Moyers. This book is a transcript of that conversation. Hugely mind-expanding with ideas about how we make sense of our world and what’s really below the surface of everything we see.

6. The Night Riders by Matt Furie. This children’s book has zero words in it … and is probably the book I read most often to my kids all year. What’s it about? Well, uh, okay, there are these two friends, a frog and a mouse, and they wake up in the middle of the night, eat some bug cereal for breakfast, and then walk out of their mushroom house, click open their garage door opener, and then hop on their bikes to go on a wild, fantastical, totally absurd late-night adventure featuring scary-not-scary dragons, a secret underground computer lab, and some dolphin surfing… all before finding a cliff to watch a beautiful sunrise at the end of their all-nighter. A wild night out without going out. Completely provokes the imagination because there are no words so your kids make up all the dialogue and plot details.

5. Range: Why Generalists Triumph in a Specialized World by David Epstein. I think one of the ugliest things in the world today is the polished resume. Polished LinkedIn profiles! Polished everything! Too much polish. I like blemishes. Blemishes are interesting. Weird jobs, strange hobbies, gap years. Have you read Jordan Peterson’s bio? Regardless of what you think of the dude, talk about an interesting resume. When I interviewed candidates at Walmart I was most interested in those gaps and rough edges and the stuff painted outside the lines. Because that’s where the person had come from, how they grew, how they developed. Crucible moments where their character was forged. I think the increasing specialization of our world, at younger and younger ages, results in far too much fragility. Cognitive entrenchment! Being really great at one thing often means you’re pretty bad at lots of things. The jack of all trades is the next king of the world. A powerful book for those feeling wobbly in their career, wondering what’s next, or for anyone thinking all the tiny things they’ve done don’t amount to much. Actually, they amount to a lot. This book shows you why.

4. Howard Stern Comes Again by Howard Stern. Howard Stern has essentially taken his forty years of hosting a daily morning show, chiseled away 99.99% of his interviews, and shaped the remaining few dozen into this exquisitely beautiful carving. Jerry Seinfeld, Amy Poehler, Ellen DeGeneres, Jon Stewart, Chris Rock, and so many others let their guard down, ditch the talking points, and let the conversation bloom into vulnerable, revealing, and hugely insightful discussions offering an endless platter of illuminating insights on motivation, artistry, habits, and relationships. And if you’re interested in learning how to be a better interviewer then you’ll gain a ton here, too. Howard sounds like a guy hanging on the barstool beside you but in this book he reveals his deep preparation method and you get to watch it in action.

3. Don’t Touch my Hair by Sharee Miller. How do you teach children about boundaries? Read them this book. A wonderful story about a girl named Aria who has big, bouncy, curly hair that everybody wants to touch. After she has a big scream one day (“Don’t touch my hair!”) she learns that people need to ask permission to touch her hair and that she can feel confident saying yes or saying no. Pairs well with C is for Consent by Eleanor Morrison, which I also loved.

2. Ernest Hemingway on Writing by Larry W. Phillips. I currently have this book in the gold medal spot on the writing book podium ahead On Writing by Stephen King (silver) or Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott (bronze). Ernest Hemingway thought it was bad luck to talk about writing. So he didn’t! Or he thought he didn’t. But twenty-five years after he died journalist Larry W. Phillips combed through Hemingway’s personal letters to friends, editors, fellow writers, and critics, as well as interviews he conducted over his career, and pulled out the many wise and remarkable thoughts Hemingway shared on writing over his life. He then sort of shaped and sculpted them together by theme (“Working Habits”, “The Writer’s Life”, “Characters”, etc.) to produce this slender 140-page volume of endless nuggets. I circled so many quotes and made so many notes in the margins that I just ended up leaving it on my bedside table when I was done in the hopes that it will slowly merge into my subconscious. A gem for anyone that writes and wants to write better.

1. Chasing The Scream: The First And Last Day of the War on Drugs by Johann Hari. I didn't put an official ranking beside my top books this year but if I was forced to then this would probably take top spot. An incredible book just stuffed to the brim with big ideas and big characters. Do you think drugs should be illegal? Which ones? Why? What happens when they’re not? What happened when they weren’t? Who made them illegal? Why? And what happened when they did? It turns out that precisely zero of the answers to these questions are obvious. This is a massively illuminating and mind expanding exploration of our relationship with drugs. Everyone should read it. It is at once a detailed history of the drug war, a buddy-beside-you-on-a-bus account of one man’s obsessive across-the-world dive into the abyss of the war on drugs, and a series of hopeful stories full of compassion and love that will honestly surprise you as you’re crying.