Here are twenty-one awesome things about the holidays. Let's get into it:
Plugging in the Christmas lights from last year and having them all work
Nope, not even a year twisted into a ball of knots in the basement could take the sparkle out of these bright little bulbs. So untie them slowly, hang them quickly, and help get the whole neighborhood shining.
AWESOME!
When the neighbor shovels that little patch of the sidewalk
Sidewalks bring us together.
Fences split yards, lawns divide homes, and invisible property lines are scribbled on dusty blueprints in city archives. But somehow those little strips of concrete tie us all together and connect the dots between our lives.
It’s a beautiful moment when a friendly neighbor shovels the snow off of your walk after a winter snowstorm. Swaddled in snow-packed mitts, sweaty scarves, and salty boots, they’re just lending a helping hand of kindness and some friendly season’s greetings.
AWESOME!
When construction cranes get Christmas lights on them
They’re not selling anything.
Nope, Christmas lights on construction cranes just smile down on the city and cover us all in a warm and festive light. Flickering in the sky, flashing way up high, they hug us all together in a friendly yellow glow.
On top of that, it’s sort of fun thinking about how they got there too. Doesn’t it seem kind of dangerous? It’s like someone risked their lives just putting up lights for the people.
Thanks Spiderman!
AWESOME!
The Holiday Party Save
Do we need all those parties?
Sure, we all love catching up with close friends in Christmas sweaters, but sometimes the office party feels like a meeting with veggie trays, and clinking drinks with second cousins gets old. Face it—there are times when you need to be saved, my friends. Yes, the Holiday Party Save happens anytime a friend yanks you from a bad holiday party conversation by pulling off a thrilling and daring rescue mission.
Here’s how it all goes down:
Step 1: The Plan. Say tonight you’re heading to your uncle’s annual Christmas party with your new boyfriend. As you both walk into Stranger Conversation Territory, it’s important to make that deal up front: You save them, they save you. Don’t forget to shake.
Step 2: The Signal. You’re trapped! When you find yourself listening to neverending vacation stories, getting detailed stock-picking advice, or hearing about someone’s thesis, it’s time to get out. Signal your friend with an eager Smile ’n’ Raised Eyebrows glance, casual Nodding Head-Tilt beckon, or if absolutely necessary, a booming bloodcurdling “Get over here!” scream, like Scorpion in Mortal Kombat.
Step 3: The Save. Here’s the tricky part. Your friend comes over and has two options. First, they can play False Emergency and drag you away while apologizing to the chatty strangers. This is risky because it could look forced and you’ll need to disappear rather than just talk to someone else. Instead, they can try The Natural, which is where they drop a nice, normal transition into the conversation. “Should we go grab some food?” “Linda just got here, let’s say hi,” or “Where’s the bathroom?” usually work well.
Remember: When you’re stuck, when you’re stranded, when all you see is gloom, just yell for your brothers and sisters and let them pull you across the room.
AWESOME!
When that kid crying at the mall isn’t your kid
There’s nothing like a good old-fashioned holiday hissy fit in an elbow-to-elbow packed mall to help soothe your fraying nerves.
Whether it’s the snotty-nosed toddler wailing on Santa’s lap, the sweaty snowsuit screamer on the floor of the toys section, or your everyday baby bawler yelling to the food court heavens, it doesn’t matter.
It’s just a migraine moment in the middle of mall mayhem.
And whether you’re taking care of your baby brother, babysitting the neighbors, or wheeling around your own mutant offspring, we’ve all been there. We all know the stress, we see the staring eyes, we all know the pain, and . . . we do sympathize.
But it’s still great when that kid crying in the mall just isn’t your kid.
Hark! The herald angels sing.
Glory to the kid free king.
AWESOME!
Pulling out that old box of Christmas ornaments from when you were a kid
Let’s go back.
Crack open that musty cardboard box from the basement storage space and get ready to brainwarp back to the big eyes and bright lights of your youth. Yes, yank out that twisted clump of yarn, ceramics, and construction paper and get ready for a sweet stroll down memory lane. Hopefully your old box features some of these classics:
1. A chipped ceramic you painted in elementary school. Maybe it’s the shiny Santa Claus that you doused in too much lacquer back in third grade. The brush strokes make his beard look gray, and one of his eyeballs has a blue smear that makes him cross-eyed. But his smile still holds and that little ribbon you knotted through his hat is perfect for hanging him back up on the tree.
2. Homemade ornaments featuring some combination of construction paper, popcorn, and glitter. When you were young you cleared off the kitchen table and set up a home workshop where you stitched popcorn, glued sparkles, and taped up little rolls of construction paper. And even though the reds have faded to orange and the glitter has cracked away, there’s something beautiful about pulling out those squashed rings, baby handprints, or crayon drawings and letting your brain slip back to simpler days.
3. The hundred-year-old hand-me-down. You’re lucky if you have one of these wood-carved gems bouncing around the bottom of the box. Someone’s Great-grandpa whittled a toy train engine or rosy-cheeked soldier from some softwood and delicately painted it to perfection. Maybe the tree it’s carved from is two or three hundred years old and fell from the woods of a distant forest. High fives if you agree this beats the neon plastic from the dollar store any day.
Yes, when you pull out that box of Christmas ornaments from when you were a kid, it’s like taking a magical mystery tour back to your childhood. It’s a brief headtrip out of your serious grown-up body into the Freaky Friday fun times of yesterday.
AWESOME!
When strangers wish you happy holidays
Holidays are stressful. Gift shopping, mall hopping, money dropping, and through it all you’re planning in-law sleepovers, giant family dinners, and complicated travel plans.
It’s nice in these roaring revved-up moments when a complete stranger catches your eye and wishes you a heartfelt happy holidays.
Whether it’s the cashier at the grocery store, the receptionist at your gym, or the lady getting a perm beside you at the salon, it’s nice scoring that warm little season’s greetings to remind us we’re all chasing the same ol’ thing.
That’s right: Love, big hugs, family time, and cozy company right when we need it most.
AWESOME!
That moment near the holidays when there’s suddenly cookies, chocolate, and candy everywhere
Let’s get fat together.
Roll those rum balls, sprinkle sparkles on the shortbread, and dump the bulk bag of candy canes in the crystal dish by the secretary’s desk.
AWESOME!
Flipping channels and stumbling on that one Christmas special you loved as a kid
It’s a wonderful life.
When you’re bunkering in the basement to get away from the holiday madness upstairs, it’s always nice when the channel flipping pops you onto your favorite old flashback.
Which classic gem burrows into your heart?
1. That Rudolph stop-motion special. Sam the Snowman (no relation to Frosty) narrates this epic tale of outcasts Rudolph and Hermey the Elf as they stumble through the North Pole meeting Yukon Cornelius and the Abominable Snowman before taking refuge on the Island of Misfit Toys. Never forget the moral of the story: Follow your heart and become a dentist.
2. A Charlie Brown Christmas. Like most Charlie Brown cartoons, this one features monotone voices, confusing plots, and dry humor. Thankfully, jazzy piano music and dancing kids make it all come together.
3. Any non-Christmas movie that takes place during Christmas. Sure, Bruce Willis crawling around office ducts in Die Hard might not seem festive, but listen closely to the background music and you’ll hear some Christmas tunes. Let’s throw in Lethal Weapon, Gremlins, and Batman Returns, too.
4. How The Grinch Stole Christmas. All the Whos living in Whoville have a serious problem in that there’s a freakish monster living in the cliffs above their romantic mountain town — dramatically reducing property values by the day. If you don’t love the big rhyming sing-a-long finish to this one, your heart is officially three sizes too small.
5. Frosty the Snowman. Poor Frosty just doesn’t have the personality of Sam from the Rudolph special. And since they always air this one with Rudolph, the inferiority of Frosty jumps out even more. Honestly, if Frosty is your favorite old Christmas special, then I feel sorry for you. You had a rough childhood.
6. Whatever special is on the same time as Frosty on the other channel.A Garfield Christmas, John Denver and the Muppets, or Will Vinton’s Claymation Christmas automatically win.
Finding your favorite holiday special from when you were a kid is like uncovering a hidden stash of buried treasure at the bottom of the sea. It doesn’t matter if you’ve seen it a hundred times, have it on your computer, or own the DVD, either. There’s just something sweet about feeling like it was waiting there at this very moment … and feeling like the stars all aligned to give you a brief little dose of
AWESOME!
The Super Present Power Shop
You’re running late.
When it’s almost Christmas and there’s nothing under the tree it’s time to furrow your brows, steady your glare, and clench those fists for a big Super Present Power Shop.
Yes, this is where you bust into the mall in a sweatshirt-and-running shoes tornado and spin around at high speeds until successfully finding something for everyone on your list.
Black Friday’s long gone, online delivery windows are closed, and now it’s crunch time. Here are some tips to pulling it off:
Good parkin’ is good startin’. Circling the frozen tundra in lot WW is a fool’s game. No, you need to find the secret YMCA entrance, get a drop off and pick up, or arrive ten minutes before doors open to score a front spot. Don’t forget The PLPT.
Skip the coat, grab the kicks. Leave your winter jacket in the trunk and sprint across the icy lot to the front door because thirty seconds of frozen lungs is worth avoiding three hours of overheating. Plus, those running shoes will help you run and dive for the last Baby Farts-A-Lot in the toy store.
Plug in. Stuff some headphones in your ears and rock out to 2Unlimited or Technotronic to stay motivated. Remember: Nothing slows you down more than hearing Santa Baby for the third time in an hour so pump up the jam and let’s move this.
Couples for couples. If you have couples on your list just divide the number of gifts by two. Beer mug for him, wine glasses for her? No, martini shaker for both. You get the idea.
Close your list, open your mind. Focus is important so jot down your names and ideas before hitting the stores. Just make sure to leave your mind open for things to jump off the shelves. Breath mints, People magazines, and IKEA golf pencils all make lovely stocking stuffers.
Bag a Monster. It’s important to ask the first store you visit for the largest bags they have. They should go fishing for a couple minutes and pull out the king-sized ones normally reserved for toaster ovens and dehumidifiers. Use those monster to eat everything else you buy all day.
Okay, listen, listen — these are just a few tips to get you going. As you start perfecting your Power Shop you’ll grow more advanced techniques like stuffing your pockets with peanut butter sandwiches, phoning for inventory checks while waiting in lines, and buying someone a sled so you can drag all your presents from shop to shop.
But no matter what kind of Power Shop you pull off, one thing’s for sure: when you crash back into your couch surrounded by full bags and a crossed-off list well… it’s time to unclench your muscles, droop your eyes, and just smile back slowly at your mall-conquering moment of
AWESOME!
Putting a Santa hat on your pet or grandparent
It’s party time.
And those Christmas sweaters are just the beginning.
I mean sure, tossing on a thick woolly for the holiday party is a sure way to spread the cheer — especially if your sweater features hypnotic swirls of red and green, a giant floating snowman head, or an intense action sequence of Santa flying his reindeer through a blizzard.
But to really get that party going and that eggnog flowing you’ve got to crank it up a notch. Yes, we’re talking about tossing a Santa cap on your golden retriever or grandpa, we’re talking about tossing one on your labradoodle or grandma, and we’re talking about everyone donning their gay apparel to whip this holiday bash into a whole new level of
AWESOME!
Snow falling on Christmas eve
Jumbo snowflakes falling thick and heavy on Christmas Eve is a special sight. They blur the world for a moment and lay a fresh blank canvas over everything. So if you’re sitting inside listening to carols on the radio, munching Christmas cookies, or chatting with family and friends, take a moment to look out the window and just enjoy the scene.
AWESOME!
Ripping your present open like a wild animal
First, some apologies.
We’re sorry, Endurance Wrapper. You spent thirty minutes getting the present just right with your scissor-frilled ribbons, crisply folded corners, and those adorable little bows. You put time in and we didn’t respect that with our raccoon-with-rabies slaughtering of your gift.
We’re sorry, Auntie Paper Collector. We know you quietly keep all the discarded bows and paper to fold back into little piles for next year. Nobody minds the creased sun-faded reindeer wrapping paper because we know you’re saving money and the planet. But this time we didn’t leave you with much. Unless you’re collecting saliva-smeared scraps, squashed boxes, and torn bows.
We’re sorry, Garbage Collecting Dad. We see you trudging around the living room with the World’s Lightest Garbage Bag, scooping up all the tiny bits of tissue paper and sticky ripped price tags. We know your job would be a lot easier if all presents moved to a Gift Bag Only Policy.
We are very, very sorry to you all.
And now that we’ve apologized our conscience is clear.
Because the truth is we love ripping presents open like a drugged-up reindeer.
AWESOME!
Trying on your new clothes as soon as you unwrap them
Stiff creases, unhemmed pants, and itchy tags can’t dent your mood.
Now it’s time to change real fast, clear the kitchen runway, and strut your stuff in a private fashion show for your friends and family.
And dog.
AWESOME!
The In-law Nap
The In-law Nap is any nap you manage to pull off at the in-law’s house. As long as it’s not during Thanksgiving dinner, Christmas present unwrapping, or while the birthday cake is served, it is a completely legal nap and fully counts as spending quality time visiting the in-laws.
Whether you skip out on setting the table, ditch helping with the dishes, or just miss a couple hours playing cards with Grandma . . . it doesn’t matter.
All that matters is you pulled it off.
Yes, you answered a phony phone call in the other room for twenty minutes, you snuck into the kid’s fort and fell asleep in the cushion barracks, or you hid on a pile of jackets and scraggly blankets in the spare bedroom.
All that matters is you pulled it off.
All that matters is that you’re
AWESOME!
Drinking with Grandma
It’s time for some intergenerational egg nogging.
Get ready to light the yule log, sail the gravy boat, and get your eighty-five pound grandmother a sloshy glass of rummy nog.
Now, whatever your age, whatever your tastes, whatever your pleasures, whatever your fates, let’s all agree on one thing today: grabbing an occasional festive drink with your mom’s mom or your son’s son bridges boundaries and crosses divides.
Once upon your time your grandma used to boogie. Once upon a time your grandma threw it down. I’m saying before you danced on tables, she danced on them, too. And before you learned to mix things, she was mixing two.
So when the holidays hit and the families combine it’s time to bring out the punch bowl and time to have a good time. Because we’re not here forever and we’re not here very long. We don’t get many chances so toss one back before granny’s gone.
I never knew my grandparents but I heard stories they were great… so I know if they were here now we’d party hard before it got too late.
AWESOME!
When your guests do the dishes even after you told them not to
It’s time for Christmas dinner.
Yes, sweaty and flushed, you run around baking bread and breaking eggs before that doorbell bing-bongs, the guests ping-pong, and everyone sits down to eat up your delicious holiday meal.
Of course, you enjoy the dinner—you love it, it’s great—but you don’t really enjoy it. No, you’re running around refilling glasses, folding napkins, scooping seconds, warming pies. You’re cleaning crumbs, wiping babies, and keeping an eye on The Kids Table. While everyone sits and chats, you’re a Tasmanian devil of dining room insanity, whipping into a whirlwind and making sure everyone enjoys their meal.
By the end, you’re completely and utterly exhausted. Your bones are bleeding, your skin is stinging, and your body is aching for a tender hug from a cushy couch.
That’s why it’s great when your guests offer to do the dishes after the meal.
“No, no, no,” you say. “Sit down, sit down, sit down.”
But they insist, but you insist, but they insist, but you insist, but they insist . . . and then finally you just stare back at them with hollow, broken eyes and give up.
Now you crashland on the couch, listening to carols as your guests fill the sink and bubble up the suds. And what a beautiful moment of sweet relief it is when you walk back in there and see everything sparklingly clean.
Plus, for the rest of the week you get to enjoy the Treasure Hunt that comes with finding your own dishes in all the wrong cupboards. But it’s no big deal, so just smile and enjoy those Gravy Boat Rescue Missions and Wooden Spoon Search Parties with a smile.
Yes, this one goes out to guests who wash the dishes even after we told them not to. Today we say thanks for the love, thanks for the memories, and thanks for scrubbing the crusty stuffing dish.
AWESOME!
When the Christmas tree gives the only light in the room
Turn out the lights.
Pull the curtains open and watch as jumbo snowflakes drift past the window, snow-covered kids walk by dragging sleds, and winter winds whisper through the evergreens. Smell the turkey crisping in the oven, listen to scratchy carols spinning in your head, and hear footsteps from the family slowly come together in front of the sparkling tree…
Swipe your daughter’s bangs as she lies in your lap, smile at grandpa sipping eggnog on the ottoman, or cuddle up with your cousins in a pile of cozy blankets and comfy sweats on the couch.
Sip that crystal glass of eggnog, sniff the pine of the tree, and relax and share a quiet moment of bliss with someone touching your hands … or your heart.
AWESOME!
Successfully regifting a present to someone who wants it
What do cellophane-wrapped mugs of mini candy canes, Season 3 of Mr. Belvedere on DVD, and framed photos of someone else’s dog have in common?
They’re just what we never wanted.
But that’s okay, that’s okay—because someone else might! Yes, now it’s time for some Regifting Magic, people. It’s time to regift like you’ve never regifted before. You’re a regifting machine if you follow these three steps to freedom:
1. Smile sweetly. Never look a gift horse in the mouth. Instead, look them in the eyes while saying thank you over and over. You may also find it helpful to practice these lines (for these items): “I’ve been meaning to try that place!” (gift card to Taco Bell), “How did you know I liked this shade of green?!” (puke green sweater), and “It’s perfect, it’s perfect—honestly, how have I even been wearing shoes all these years?!” (shoehorn).
2. Add it to your gifts-to-give pile. When you get home, make sure to write a thank-you card promptly and then toss the gift in the closet with your motorized self-twirling spaghetti fork, Streetlamps of the World page-a-day calendar, and novelty light-up ceramic angel. Let your inventory bulk up a bit so you’ve got good regift variety, and be sure to hide the stash from future regiftees. Post-it Notes with the name of the person who gave it to you can also help prevent the dreaded Boomerang Gift. Don’t let it happen to you.
3. Annnnnnd . . . regift! Remember that one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. When you look at it this way, it feels like you’re doing very important gift-giving charity work. You’re a misfit present coordinator! Now, you need to be about 90 percent sure the regiftee will love the present. After all, there’s nothing wrong with gift cards to Taco Bell and light-up ceramic angels. It’s just that one goes to your backward-cap skateboarding rascal of a little cousin and the other goes to your Grandma who loves tacos.
AWESOME!
Driving around town to see all the Christmas lights
Every city has a street.
It’s the quiet cul-de-sac where all the neighbors play it big for Christmas and decorate their homes with the greatest light show the world has ever seen. Word gets out through the local paper or radio station and soon everyone knows it’s just the place to go for a late night cruise down Neon Light Lane.
It’s the one place everyone enjoys traffic jams.
Sitting bumper to bumper around the quiet crescent, you push your hat above your forehead, press your mittens to the window, and stare out at the twinkling scene. Reds and greens flicker and flash on your darkened face as snow reflects classy floodlights, roofs beam with strings of white, and inflatable Santas bob and wave from the middle of lawns.
And there’s always one house that is just a bit better than the rest. It’s probably the family that got the parade route started with the big splash every year. I like thinking the neighbors leaned on their shovels with furrowed brows when they first saw lights spelling Merry Christmas being draped across the roof, but over time their Grinchlike hearts melted and they felt the Christmas spirit themselves.
Somehow over time the street grew and grew and grew until it became the sparkly beauty we see today. There’s something fun and something sweet about bundling up and just driving down the street. Hear the carols softly on the radio, feel the smiles in the car, and just take a moment to relax and remember how lucky we are.
AWESOME!
The sound of snow crunching under your boots
Dim streetlights cast blurry shadows for your cold walk home.
Snow-packed mitts, floppy wool hat, and a drippy, sniffly nose cover your shuddery frame as you shuffle down empty side streets on your way to the cozy warmth of your waiting bed. Everything is an eerily pitch-perfect silence buried under a shadowy sheet of bright white. Pine trees sway softly, Christmas lights flicker, and the biting air ice-scrapes your frost-nipped nose.
Somehow the solid crunch of your winter boots against the packed road snow fills the night with a relaxing and familiar sound that marks tiny little progress towards cuddling up under warm blankets and falling deep asleep.
